Things in Fours

I got this by mail from Barb, but it's so neat, I gotta post it!

Here are some things you didn't know about me...
For instance, did you know...

Four jobs I have had in my life:
* midnight baker at a grocery store (one of my first jobs in Canada)
* art salesperson (I SUCK at sales)
* chamber maid in a hotel (Munich, Grand Hotel Continental)
* Wendy's (for two days, after which I quit!!!!)

Four movies I would watch over and over:
* True Lies
* Walk in the Clouds
* Working Girl with Melanie Griffith and Harrison Ford (aaaaahhhh)
* the Harry Potter movies

Four places I have lived:
* Vladimir, Russia
* Budapest, Hungary
* Munich, Germany
* London, ON

Four TV shows I love to watch:
* Organize it! Helen Buttigieg
* Cooking shows
* Gilmour Girls
* I secretly love watching this show my kid watches, it's so corny, it's embarrassing, but here it is: 15/Love

Four places I have been:
* Venice, Italy (unfortunately, I was only seven, so I don't remember much of it, except the gondolas and the Doge Palace)
* Moscow, Suzdahl and St. Petersburg (when it was still Leningrad), Russia
* Philadelphia and Atlantic City, US
* Monte Carlo, Monaco (on vacation with my sister when I was 15 - I couldn't go into the casino, I wasn't old enough)

Four websites I visit daily:
* Sympatico (t0 read my email)
* Hotmail (as above)
* My blog and the blogs on my favourite list
* Not really a website, but my msn

Four of my favorite foods:
* thai food, if it's not too spicy hot (like those fresh springrolls)
* anything with seafood (shrimp, crab and salmon)
* sushi
* spaghetti

Four places I would rather be right now:
* Just one, really, on an ocean beach, listening to the waves, relaxing with someone I love.

Four Friends that have been tagged that I think willrespond:
J-Girl, Sandra (by mail), maybe G.?

You have been tagged. so here it goes...delete my answers, replace with your own and send it back to me and on to other friends!

Da Vinci Code

It was HARD work to get G. to come with me to see the movie. He's read the book and enjoyed it but he read all the crappy reviews and didn't want to see it. I told him I didn't believe the critics and wanted to make up my own mind whether I like the movie or not. I had to bribe, cajole and threaten and pout prettily until he finally gave in. I also promised him I'll finish the book he gave me MONTHS ago and we'll talk about it if he comes with me. We went to the Huron Marketplace Cineplex, to avoid the crowds, and even still, there was a lineup and the theater was more than half full about 20 minutes before it started. Going there, we discussed theories about why it would be a bad movie, and I could only think of one thing that could possibly make it bad: Tom Hanks... I'm sorry, I just CAN NOT imagine the guy in any kind of a romantic hero type role (I know I know, sleepless in Seattle, yadi yadi yada, still, to me, the guy will ALWAYS be Forrest Gump, Life is like a box of chocolates and those nerdy white sneakers). Anyways, the critics said Hanks and Audrey have no chemistry, well, for heaven's sake, of COURSE not, who DOES he have chemistry with????? Anyways, in the book, it wasn't really emphasized that there HAS to be a romance between them. Yeah, sure, he found her attractive, and sure there were some affectionate hugs in the aftermath of life-threatening situations, but heck, all that adrenaline, who WOULDN'T get horny? G of course defended Hanks, he brought up movies like Saving Private Ryan, etc., I had to agree, ok, he was good but it doesn't change my perception of him. So anyways, we had fun just getting there! In the lineup we ran into one of G's friends from work, but he was there for the XMen with a friend, so he didn't join us. Which was just fine, I wanted to cozy up to G. anyways. So after the obligatory previews and commercials (btw, have you EVER felt you forgot what movie you were there to see, there are so bloody many of them?????), finally it started. And you know what? I was RIGHT. The movie was great. Sure, there weren't any cars blown up and there weren't magical special effects, but there WAS a car chase (Audrey driving in REVERSE!!!!), there WERE gory bits (the monk beating himself with that ropey thing and tightening that awful spikey belt around his thigh was GROSS) and plenty of suspense, even if you already knew how it's gonna end. I didn't think the explanations were overly long or boring, after all, they WERE integral parts of the story. They COULD have put in less flashbacks from the character's memories, but oh well. G. was just shocked that the movie was good, and I gloated. LOL. I said, see, you can't believe stuff you read in the papers!!!! So on the way back to his apt, we discussed (half-jokingly, half-seriously) that there is an actual conspiracy and smear campaign stemming from the church and Opus Dei to try to prevent people from going to see it. (Yeah, and there are albino monks who execute people who liked it too much, LOL).
Hah, Ken the Breadman, I beat you to it! Now let's hear what you thought about it!

Sleepover interruptus

Yesterday was a BIG party day for Miss Lydia. She had her best friend Leila's party from 12 to 4, and then a sleepover party from 4 to the next day at her other friend Erin's house. She was sooo excited. On Friday night, she was already making lists (with drawings instead of writing the list) of what to take and what they will do, and could barely sleep from giddyness. Then on Saturday morning, she had everything packed into two small backpacks approximately 10 minutes after she got up at 8, and then it was pretty much four hours of: how long until it's time to go? Finally, the clock's arm slooooowly crawled to close to 12, so I got her, the backpacks, the stuffed elephants, the blankey's, the presents all into the car and off we went to Leila's. Leila and her puppy Abby were both hanging off their front porch, eagerly awaiting the guests, balloons were everywhere. They went to Harvey's for lunch, then bowling, then back to the house for cake and ice cream. When I came to pick them up and take them to Erin's, they were both filthy and very, very happy with the world. I dropped them off at Erin's (btw, the coop that I will be applying to, very nice) into brave Julie's (Erin's mom) care. There were two other girls there already, and they were all dressed up and jumping up and down in excitement. After viewing the new hamster, the little brother, and Erin's room, they were all set to stay. I went to G.s house and we went to see the Da Vinci Code (more on that in the next blog entry), then came home and settled down for a blissfully quiet night. I watched a bit of tv, I read in bed, then finally stretched out and fell into a deep, lovely, dreamless sleep. Until 1 am, when Andy barged in, shook me up and said, you gotta go get your kid! Apparently, Julie called, Lydia was in tears, she wanted to come home. So we got into the car (Andy drove, I was too dopey from waking up from a deep sleep) and in a matter of minutes, there we were, to rescue our little girl. Who by then was all smiles, tears all dried up, blankey and elephant and goodie bag in hand, ready to go. So was Leila, who, when hearing that Lydia will get picked up, didn't want to stay either, so we took her as well. We dropped her off at her house and finally (around 1:30) got home, and my little girl, with ABSOLUTELY no sleep in her eyes said: can I have supper????? I just groaned. With half eye open, I heated up some chicken in the microwave, threw some crackers beside it and gave it to her. She marched to MY room, up to MY bed, turned the tv on and settled down for her after-midnight buffet! EEEEK. I said, no tv, eat and go to bed. But of course, I didn't sound very convincing, half asleep, so I just laid down beside her while she was munching, and the tv stayed on. About 20 minutes later, I woke to her shaking my shoulder: can I have a bedtime story? Wha???? I said, no, (this time with more conviction, obviously, because she marched off to sleep). After all that, I was wide awake, of course, and it took me another 20 min. to fall back into sleep. Sigh... But she had a great time, I got to hear all the details on Sunday morning, so she said maybe next time, she'll actually stay overnight at Erin's. I just said, but if you don't, make up your mind BEFORE midnight, please! She just laughed, she thought it was really funny!!!!!! NOT!!!! Kid, you're messing with my SLEEP here!!!!!! Don't you know how dangerous that is? Mommy can turn into a growling momma bear if she doesn't get enough sleep!

Big discussions

All of a sudden, we have a lot to talk about, my husband and I. Hashing out all the details, money, house, kid, everything... Most of the time he is pretty rational about it, he thinks it's the right decision. We are very civil to each other, I hope it will stay that way. I assured him that I'm not out to "get him", I don't consider him my enemy and that I hope to still remain friendly after the separation; if nothing else, for our daughter's sake. There were a few things that surprised me, though I guess it shouldn't have, not really... He only wants his daughter once a month. For a day. Preferably NOT overnight... that hurts. I feel for her. On the other hand, I know how bad he can get with his black moods, so maybe it is better if her time with him is limited.... But I know it will hurt her. I will explain to her that it's not her fault and hope she'll believe it.
Sometimes, I have moments of relief, sometimes, moments of dread. I went back on the Prozac, just in case, for the next few months... I can't really afford to break down, so I thought I better... Once things are settled, and we've moved out, I can wean myself off once again.
Here's to new beginnings, no matter how difficult the birth of them is...

(Not) lost in translation

Translating is something I really love to do. I think it's because it combines a lot of my strengths: writing, research, communication and helping people. I love the challenge of finding that EXACT word or phrase that translates not just the meaning, but the FEELING of the words into a different language. I registered on a website called ProZ.com with Hungarian-English and Russian-English language pairs, and once in a while I get freelance translating jobs from it. Yesterday, I got a phone call from Texas, it's an agency I worked for before, and they sent me a university diploma and transcript to translate from Hungarian to English. It was fun AND a bit of extra money! Yeeey. As I was reading the course list, I found myself curious about some of the subjects: philosophy, history of economics, political theory. I wonder what politics they teach now at a Hungarian university, now that there is no communism/socialism. They are still teaching the Russian language, even at university level, and what was really surprising, they had Phys Ed! In university! For an Economics major!!!!! LOL. 2 hours a week. Well, it makes sense, they probably need it for stress relief after studying Linear Algebra and Finance and Calculus and Accounting and Demographics. Hopefully, no one can flunk Phys. Ed... I would... LOL. never been the most coordinated girl, unless you're talking about the colour of my shoes and outfit....

Unbalanced

is the word for this weekend. Emotions up and down. Yesterday, after A. left, I felt relieved to have told him. Then I swung into fear, then tears, then anger, oh, it was too much! I felt better again while I went to the Talk Exchange (it was pretty interesting, we talked about UFO's), and afterwards, I went to visit my friend Barb and we had a great chat. It was nice to just veg out on her couch and vent and listen to her relationship troubles as well. I resisted the urge to sob on her shoulders. Then I chatted a bit on line and my lover was on, and he didn't even ask how I was doing, only after I asked him if he got my email. I don't understand... He tells me he considers me a good friend "with benefits", but he just doesn't seem to care, not really. When we're together it's great, I feel really close to him and the sex is wonderful and we talk and cuddle, and then he steps back, keeping me at arms length until he decides it's time for him to let me close again for a few hours. I got off line and then I was really angry, not just about that, but that was part of it, too. Then I started crying, just sobbing and finally, after that I was able to fall asleep. Woke up a few times in the middle of the night, thinking about the move, the money, the amount of work it will all take and I was filled with anxiety. Maybe I'll go back on the anti-depressants after all to help me through this time...

One step closer....

I talked to my husband today and told him I'm planning on moving out. He wasn't surprised, actually, he took it better then I thought... After a few derogatory comments like "you'll never make it on your own", and "do you really think you'll ever be happy?", he said for me to find out how much he has to pay for child support, and that was pretty much it. Until the anger kicks in, but I won't think about that now. I feel free. Like a weight has been lifted off me. I'm also a mess, weepy and anxious, but it's OK.
I also got my first full paycheque from my new work, it's much less than I've made at IBM, but it will be enough... Next week, I'll go to the housing office on my lunch hour and put the application in for a Geared to Income or a Co-op. At the office (it's a property mgmt. place, don't know if I mentioned it), I saw how much rent people pay for geared to income, my goodness, it does sound pretty good, but I have to see what kind of places are to be had for that, I don't really want to move into a place that's not safe (inadequate heating, rough neighbourhood, etc.). I think a co-op will be a better option, but I'll have to check it out.
I feel like I'm opening up a new chapter in my life and it feels great.

Life is a musical

for my girl these days. Inspired by important films such as "Barbie as Rapunzel" and "Barbie in the Princess and the Pauper", and "The Lady and the Tramp", she feels compelled to burst out in song in any opportune (or inopportune) moment. She'll be running through the playground singing "Swing, swing, gonna get the swing" in a dramatic high-pitched tone; talking to her stuffed animals and teaching them a song about teachers (lyrics and music both "written" by her with liberal adaptation from other songs she's heard). Last night, at bath, she burst into a cheerful ditty that mostly had the words "soap" and "scrub-scrub-scrub" (always in threes) in it. This wouldn't be too bad, actually, if she hasn't been "blessed" with her father's absolute deaf ear for music. So whether a high-pitched aria or a hushed lullaby, they are all slightly or not-so-slightly off, adding to the annoyment (but also the amusement) factor for everyone listening. I greatly encourage her musical talent, don't want her to develop a complex about it and I want her to enjoy music, but sometimes I can't help but wince or smile....

Nostalgia

hit me today, must be getting old. LOL. We had this singer in Hungary, his name was Zoran. He was originally from Yugoslavia, a Serb, I think, but he grew up in Hungary. He (and a few others) were very critical of the government, even in the times when that was dangerous. They managed to slip a few songs past censure by hiding the meaning in allegories, or by being sarcastic. One of my favourite songs in my teens were one of these, although I didn't understand the hidden meaning until later. It was just after another round of "free elections" when yet again, the communist party was elected (well, who else would it have been????).
The song is called "Don't wait for May" (in my humble translation, which probably doesn't even come close to the quietly desperate feeling of the original). Now, if I can figure out how to load the actual song on there... though you English-speaking people wouldn't understand the words, it still has a lovely melody.

Zoran – Don’t wait for May

Get ready for a long winter, my love,
Because I think this winter will be a long one.
Put the warmth of my heart away for me,
And I will guard the light in your eyes for you.

Gather everything that’s left for us,
And slowly burn the dreams away.
Turn the flame down my love,
I think we will need the fire later.

Bridge:
Don’t wait for May, the winter is coming,
Don’t wait for May my love.
Dress warmly when you go out to the street.
And if you’re cold, cuddle in my bed with me.

Be serene, cheerful and quiet.
Smile sweetly even when you’re hurt.
Be a river, and when the harsh light hits you,
You’ll have a shield, hard and pure white.

Don’t wait for May my love….

Get ready for a long winter, my love,
I think this winter will be a long one.

Another one of my favourites is about generations growing up always waiting for a "better tomorrow"

Zoran - Better tomorrow.

It was a long time ago, we were living those anxious years.
My mother fearfully whispered: we will have a better tomorrow.

It was a long time ago, she doesn’t speak of it anymore.
But all her dreams still live in us: we will have a better tomorrow.

Better tomorrow, what trumpets is it waiting for?
What generation will it come to? What stars say that
one day, there will be a better tomorrow?

It feels good now. You still fit perfectly in my lap.
And you are worth more to me than the whole world,
and all my dreams live in you.

If feels so good. When you grow up, look farther.
Maybe on the globe you’ll live on, peace will one day reach around.

Better tomorrow, maybe it won’t run from us any more.
I opened the window of my soul; I want to believe that one day,
there will be a better tomorrow for you.

Those darn critics

Well, just when the Da Vinci movie is almost out (tomorrow, right?), I just read a review about it in the Free Press. And they really slammed it!!!!! Figures! I think if a movie is really popular, and there are high expectations, the critics feel obliged to say really bad stuff about it.... Oh well, when did I ever believe anything I've read in the paper anyways? I'm gonna go see it and find out for myself... I'll ask a couple of friends and we'll make a girls night out of it... not this weekend, maybe next week, when the crowds are a bit less... The movie I will absolutely NOT see is the Mission Impossible 3. I decided to boycott Tommy and his Scientology crap.

Aaaaarggggh

Barb, don't read this, you'll be blushing!

(special request from a friend - she said she doesn't want to read about my sex life - LOL)
I'M HORNY... GRRRRRRRR.

Honestly! Are there guys out there who are not sexually challenged, unavailable, or moody, or whatever!!!!! G. is not feeling well these days, so even though we've been meeting for chats and lunches and dinners, even cuddled, but NO SEX for the last three weeks. My husband, well, I just try to stay out of his way, no matter how horny I am, I won't sink that low.... and my HOT lover, the one I really want, well, I've been reluctant to call him because right now, I just can't handle rejection very well. sigh.
My vibrating bullet is working overtime in the evenings, and it's nice, but I crave the human touch... Not just a quick orgasm that satisfies the immediate urge. I want real loving. Hugs and kisses and cuddling and hot, hot sex, and a connection that lasts ever after the sweat had dried off. And talking after sex in bed. And taking a shower together and then kissing the water droplets off each other's body. Heaven help me, I want a real relationship. Not just a part-time, half-assed, good-for-now sort of a thing...
I know, I know, I'm the one who has to change things... I'm working on it... I'm just frustrated today.... Plus, I really doubt that I'm capable of a regular, full time, normal relationship anyways...

breathe... breathe... breathe... there... let the tears come....

Spreading the Word

Yesterday, I was at the Galleria, in the Library corridor, standing beside the table that was promoting the Humanist Association. It was really fun, I had a ball. There was an African movie premier in the Wolf Hall next door, so there was a lot of traffic. All kinds of people stopped by to take a look. One thought I was collecting money for children in Africa (because of the "We are all African" sign), but I told him I'm not collecting money for anything, and gave him a flyer with our next meeting information. One woman stopped by, then left, then came back and said apologetically that she is only picking up information for her son, because he says he is a humanist. She rambled on, saying she is quite comfortable in her faith and with her church, probably was worried that I'll try to talk her out of it and turn her onto some ungodly path... LOL. I said, take a look for yourself, too, and gave her a flyer with the Humanist Principles. She was reading them when she left... Another woman came up (she works in the library, so she's seen the display before) and said, oh, it's too bad I'm Jewish, or my husband and I would join, I think you have the right message. I said, being Jewish doesn't exclude her from being a humanist. She said, but I thought you were all agnostics, so I explained about the secular and non-secular humanism. She still didn't take a flyer though... :-( I chatted with a guy from Montreal, who said Londoners were much friendlier than people back there. He also took the meeting flyer and the other stuff too, the Humanist Association info. One guy acted like he was really interested and friendly, but in the end, he just wanted to ask me out on a date! EWWW. He was really yucky, too, kinda greasy. I said, sorry, I'm just here to promote humanism, not looking for a man... There was a really nice guy who was so interested, he wanted me to send back issues of the newsletter, and he wrote down his name and email address on the signup sheet! Now, if HE would have asked me out, MAYBE... LOL, he WAS cute, lanky, tall, lean, with chocolate brown skin and gorgeous eyes. There was a young kid (late teens, maybe, which was surprising, because most teenagers just looked at the display with total disinterest, or didn't even look, as they passed by) who said, oh yeah, I've heard of humanism before, so we chatted for a few minutes and he took one of everything and signed up for the newsletter too. There was a woman, totally Mother-Earth type, flowing tunic, big canvas bag, no bra, wild hair, Birkenstocks, she took all the flyers as well. It was also fun watching the people who walked by; the goth kids with their black clothes and tattoos; the little fashion plates with kitten-heel shoes, chokers and layered t shirts; the bums, stopping people to bum a quarter; the geeks, their heads buried in the books already, not waiting to get it home (I could totally relate); the business people, all dressed in workday clothes, too busy to look my way; parents taking their kids to the library after school. I love people. Love watching them and trying to figure out what they are like, or what they do.

Things I love in my life

In the last few days I've been in such a funk, I decided to concentrate on the things I love in my life.

Home:
Spring! It's here! The smell of lilacs and lily of the valley in my back yard. Fruit trees covered in flowers. No more heavy coats and shoes. Fresh air. The feel of my bare feet on the warm wood of the deck. The laughter, giggles and sounds of Lydia and her friends playing while I read my book, sitting on the patio chair. Sleeping with the window open. The scent of my tangerine body scrub shower gel in the morning, and the strawberry conditioner that leaves my hair feeling silky and sweet smelling. Driving with the window open. Two cats purring in my bed when I lay down for a ten-minute afternoon shut-eye break. The feeling of AHHHH when I sit down after I finished cleaning and look around. My big bed with the soft quilts and teddy bear.

My kid:
Her hugs at bedtime. Her excited little voice telling me about her day at school. Her laughter when she watches a funny show or hears a joke. The two of us singing "Brown-Eyed Girl" in the car. Her rosy cheeks and nose from playing outside. The scent of baby lotion on her skin that I still use on her after her bath (while I still can). The way she fits perfectly into my lap when she needs comfort. Her bum sticking up in the air in her morning stretch when I wake her up. Her tiny toes in a row, like pearls. Her questions that baffle, amaze, amuse and shock me. The feeling of still being her most important person.

Love:
The feeling of desire washing over me when my lover looks at me with heat in his eyes. His touch. His arms around me and the scent of his hair when he hugs me. His blue eyes looking into my soul. The scent of his house. His deep voice that vibrates down to my belly if I close my eyes when he speaks. His kisses, soft and tender everywhere. My mouth on him, his hot skin under my kisses. His bum, round and cute.

Friends:
The support and love we give each other. Hugs. Long chats over coffee. Exchanged Black-Eyed Pea recipes. Funny emails that perk up your day. Sunday afternoon MSN chats with the girls back in Hungary. (Silvie showing off her pregnant belly, Johanna's kids popping up in the background, Orsi's poetic descriptions of her trips). Chats about relationships, kids, mothers, books, movies, whatever. New friendships that are just blossoming and ones that are so old you have no secrets from each other and you still love each other.

My body:
The shape of my eyes and mouth. My boobs. My smile. My hands, hardworking and no-nonsense.

Work:
The feeling I get when all the numbers on the balance sheet match! The feeling of being useful. Quick chats by the coffee machine. My mind engaged in what I'm doing. The day going by so quickly. The feeling of accomplishing something. Crossing off another finished statement on my list with an orange marker. The opportunity of independence that comes with the paycheque.

"There will never be a perfect day, but there will be lots of perfect moments."

Armageddon Day

Yesterday, in honor of Mother's day, I spent almost the entire day with my Mom. (I don't get to see her on Sundays, they usually spend the entire day at church) I got her a cross-stich kit with the pattern and yarn to make a pretty picture (a rose). She loves cross-stitch and she is almost finished with her latest one, an elaborate picture of a rooster, so I know she'll be looking for a new project soon. I made her a card, I found the perfect idea at Michael's when I was browsing through the card accessories: a piece of embroidery fabric, yarn and tiny scissors, all in a mini size, to stick on a card. So I made an "embroidery card" for her in pinks and soft mossy greens, it was lovely. So anyway, I arrived there, in a skirt, conservative top (everything covered), no jewellery except a watch. Thankfully, Michael was mowing the lawn, had no time for Bible reading. The visit started out nice enough, Mom loved the gift and the card, we chatted about Lydia, school, work, Mom's sewing, Michael's family (he's got six kids and 17 grandkids), and she asked to go to Trail's End market. We both LOVE that market, it's way the heck out on Dundas East, and it reminds us of the markets back home in Hungary - not the fancy ones like Covent Garden for sure! No pavement, just dirt paths stomped down by hundreds of feet. Tables of colourful veggies and fruit, not arranged in any way, just dumped on the tables or in rough, many times reused paper baskets. The sights and smells of a real market. On the inside, there are giant coolers with meat and fish (not my favourite part for sure) and cold cuts. Little bakeries that serve coffee in plain paper or foam cups, no Starbucks or Timmies logo here, but the pastry is fresh and yummy... So we walked through the market, admired the flowers, planned Mom's garden, it was so nice. Then after shopping, we headed back to London, and that's when the bad part started. Mom asked if I've changed my mind about leaving Andy in the near future, I said no, I'm still planning to do that, and now that I have a job, it will be soon. Now, a few weeks ago, Mom surprised me by being supportive of these plans, but I guess now that the time draws nearer, she's either changed her mind or talked to Michael, or some biddies at the church. She started saying how I should remember what a marriage should be like, that I should be long-suffering and obedient to my husband and pray for him, and pray for my own patience and kindness towards him, etc. etc. That God doesn't want families to be broken up and the vows we took are for forever. What she said wasn't really new, I've heard it all before, but it just totally took me unawares, after the lovely way the day started.... I reminded her what she said a few weeks ago, that I was right and I shouldn't stay in such an unhappy state and especially to subject my child to systematic verbal putdowns and abuse, and that she will help me any way she can. She said, yes, of course, if I still feel this way, I should leave, but she thinks that if I pray enough, God will somehow magically (my words, not hers) put happiness and love in my heart, despite the way Lydia and I are being treated.... F&@#*!!! She even put an example to me, a woman from the church who was married over 30 years to this monster, who was an alcoholic and regularly beat her and the children. She had 9 children with this man, the last one is retarded, and she lost the next 3 pregnancies because he beat her so badly. And she still prayed for him and was a total doormat for all of their marriage, and she prayed for love from God and apparently got it, because still, she said she loved the man... So finally, after the guy died a natural death (and none too soon), she still mourned him and now she is living with the one retarded adult child and telling everyone about her history, putting herself up on a high pedestal of long-suffering saintly martyrdom. So, this is the example I should be following, and it will be so much easier for me, because at least, I'm not being beaten! Yippee! Sounds like a walk in the park, doesn't it?
And after all this (by this time, I just stopped talking, I didn't want to argue with her, it was pointless, like arguing with the mentally ill, since her brainwashed programming took over), she then started saying (supposedly, to cheer me up), that the world is gonna end soon anyways, because all the prophets at her church (yes, the ones that speak in tongues out loud, and the ones that collapse in the ailes of the church, sobbing and wailing in their "passion for God" or whatever it is), they are all saying that time is at hand, Christ is coming, and we should all be prepared, and then after minor unpleasantness, like natural disasters and fire and brimstone, we'll all live happily til the end of time.... You know, the lion curled up with the lamb and everyone singing and praying for all eternity... (makes me puke!!!)
Anyways, after I finally dropped her off at home and kissed her goodbye, I was just in a FUNK, and I still can't quite shake it... And I'm off my anti-depressants, which is great news, but right now, I wish I could just pop a pill and be done with it.

Humanist meeting

I went to the London and Area Humanist Association meeting tonight. The topic was Haiti, and Canada's role there... It's really astonishing how much we DON'T hear in the media about things that really matter! Here we are, supposedly peace-keepers (though Canada is rapidly losing that image, see out involvement in Afghanistan), and we are actually helping the de-stabilizing forces in that tiny little country. What I want to know is, why the hell is the US picking on Haiti? I mean, think about it... They have NOTHING. It's not like they are Kuwait or Iraq, there is no oil, no platinum mines, no diamonds, no nothing... 8 million people, starving because all the forests had been cut down and most of the land is eroded. Sweatshops that funnel money into the pockets of a small elite population, most of whom don't even live in Haiti. The democratic government (the one that was elected by a landslide majority of the people, despite of the fact that the elections were boycotted and sabotaged by the elite) was overturned with our and the American's "help". Poverty, crime, illiteracy (85%!!!!) starvation... The schools that were opened by that government had been closed after the coup. I felt sick just thinking about it.. There were several hypothesis about why this is happening, but really, how can we know the truth? It's so difficult to find out what's really going on with all the censorship and misinformation in the mass media....
Anyways, I signed up to volunteer at the information table next Monday night (5-7), at the Central Library corridor in the Galleria, downtown London, so if you want to learn more about humanism, come by and chat with me!!!! They need new members and I think it's an organization that deserves be promoted. I mean, there isn't a whole lot left to believe in in this world, if you really look at things rationally.... the only thing we have left is ourselves - humans. Why not be part of a movement that promotes critical thinking, an open mind, acceptance of humans of all kinds. Why not put the responsibility on our own shoulders to come up with solutions, instead of looking to a god or a government or some other "all powerful" source....
I had a great time tonight. Next month's topic is humanism and activism - how can we get involved and do something instead of just sitting on our hands complaining that everything is so corrupt... looking forward to it.
Check out the website link on my side bar. It has links to other Humanist groups elsewhere, if you're not here in London.

Daisy in a basket

Daisy was helping me wrap presents last Christmas. I was trying to fill the basket with a table runner, placemats and napkins for a friend's present, but while I was looking for the clear wrap in the next room, Daisy decided to move in. Just look at her face, as pleased with herself as anything!

some cat pics

Now that I've learned how to get the pictures up, I just HAVE to post some of my favourite cat pictures!

This picture is Prissy and Daisy in a harmonious moment, sharing the computer chair, hugging and napping. Back then, they were small enough to fit on one chair... now, not so much...

Clumsy Pris

Oh, this was hilarious! I was just getting comfortable in front of my computer when Prissy decided to come sit on the desk to get a chin scratch. But she noticed some birds outside and she sat up on the windowsill to watch. She made those funny little noises, her lips quivered, her ears were back, flat against her head, she was concentrating so much. But, her tail was wagging from all the excitement, and she didn't notice but it was hitting the empty waterbottle on my desk. Finally, after three wags, the bottle fell over, making a noise on the desk, which otherwise would have been negligable, but for Prissy, who was TOTALLY immersed in bird watching, it was a loud noise!!!!! She jumped, forgetting that she was on the windowsill (waaaay too narrow for her butt), lost her balance and tumbled off the sill, thankfully landing on the chair, not on the floor, so she didn't hurt herself. Only her pride suffered... After she got a hold of herself, she gave her coat a couple of licks and walked out the door, as dignified as possible, under the circumstances.

The Cat Chronicles continue

The cats miss me. All of a sudden, there is no one home all day to give them food and chin scratches, no one to curl up on the couch with and read a book, no one to follow around and see if she is doing anything interesting... They are BOTH at the door right away when we come home in the evening. Prissy throws herself in front of me immediately, for a belly scratch, and Daisy purrs even before I touch her. They even suck up to Lydia, who they usually avoid otherwise, unless she is holding food or a cat toy in her hands. In the evening, after Lydia is in bed and I sit down for a bit of reading or tv, they both come and sit with me. Sometimes ON me, sometimes beside me, whatever suits their mood that night.
This morning, both of them were extremely perky, I heard them even before I got up. Daisy LOVES bouncy balls, she kicks them around with her paws, sometimes even picks them up and carries them in her mouth and then drops them, I think she enjoys the noise they make. I enjoy it a bit less, especially 5 in the morning... Later, they were both observing me making lunches, sitting on both sides of the sports bag I left there last night. The bag was the PERFECT size. Just big enough to hide behind, crouching down, but not too big that they could still see each other, peeking over the top or the sides. It started innocently enough, a bit of peek-a-boo and hide and seek, and then Daisy decided to crawl into the bag. Well, that didn't sit well with Prissy, who was contemplating doing the same thing, and as big as the bag was, it wasn't big enough for two cats for some reason... At first, Prissy just kinda stuck her paw in there to gently nudge Daisy, but of course, she would have none of it. She peeked out, ears flat on her head and she let out a mean sounding hiss. Well, Prissy's ears went back immediately as well, and the nudges turned into regular whacks on Daisy's head. Before I knew it, there was hissing and thuds of kicks as they landed on furry bodies, so I stomped my foot and clapped real loud before there is any serious damage. (I don't think they would really hurt each other, a lot of it is just show, but I don't really want to find out) They both looked at me with annoyed looks on their faces, and Daisy had grey Prissy furs sticking out of her mouth. Both were clearly ready for more fight, tails wagging, ears still flat, eyes wide open! I had to clap and yell a few more times before they finally separated, one down to the basement, the other to the top of the cat house for a nice little post-fight grooming. But this evening, they were both sleeping curled up together on the big chair.

I was glowing

all day today. You always touch me to my core. Physically and mentally. Thanks Love!

Child Workers

I put my girl and her friend to work today: I told them they get two bucks each to wash my car. They, of course, jumped at the chance: they get to play with the spray hose, soap suds AND get money, how fun is that???? They were so cute, two girls with a mission, scrubbing the car and spraying it down. As soon as they got their money, of course, they wanted to go to the dollar store. They asked how many things they can get for their twooneys, and I said, you can get two things if I give you another 30 cents each for tax. For tidying up the living room and dusting. So they did that and we went to the dollar store and they spent their wealth right away... LOL. This is fun! Maybe I can get them to fold laundry tomorrow...

Finally

today at work, I felt like I can actually make sense of the whole thing. I outlined the main process in my notepad and I'm able to place all the detailed scribbly notes I took earlier this week where they supposed to go. So I'm pretty sure I'll be OK. The pay is not very much, about 60% of what I used to make at IBM, but oh well. If I really like being there, it's worth it. So far, everyone is really nice, now that the growly girl who trained me is gone. Everybody is pretty casual, there are swear words flying around once in a while (it doesn't balance or the printer jammed or someone nasty was on the phone), but they are all a fun bunch. The owner is great, a real gentleman, always very polite, but in a way that he is kinda making fun of himself. He was loading the dishwasher this morning in the little staff kitchen, so I stopped and stared at the sight... a man loading dishes, would ya look at that!!!! LOL. AND it was jean day (or track pants day, as I saw on some of the girls), plus, we got taken out for lunch (the accounting group), and the office mgr paid for it.
Lydia got adjusted really well, 5 elephant stickers this week! She goes to bed at a decent time, too, so it's great. A bit grouchy in the morning, but hey, so am I.

Music Night at Victoria

They had music night today, tied in nicely with my singing last night... LOL. My girl is in the Primary Choir, and they sang the same songs they did at Kiwanis - the one about germs, and the "Turn this world around for the children". They did well. Lydia CAN NOT physically stand still, she fidgeted and chewed her nails up there, or giggled with Leila. But when it came time to sing, she was focused on the teacher and you could tell which ones were her favourite parts, because she was nodding her head enthusiastically. There were other choirs too, (the Kindergardeners performed a story/song with beach balls, it was adorable) a band with drums and other percussion instruments, one skinny blond boy was really good, he had the rythm, man. There was a dance performance, too, Grade 7 girls, some of them were really good, but a couple of them looked like they want to be anywhere else but there on the stage... I don't know if it was truly so odious for them or if it's just "cool" to act like you don't want to be there... It was funny to see some of the kids, they had pink hair, or white blond streaks in their dark hair, or hair so black it could only have come from a bottle. Some were so into the music, you could tell they are really having a good time performing. One band did that song, the one where the lion sleeps tonight, it was really neat. It was towards the end and perked everybody up, it was getting really hot in the school hall and people were fading.
Then the whole lot of them disbanded, we chatted with some of the parents while the kids ran around in the school yard. One of the dads (lives on our street with his wife and two girls, one in Lydia's class) was talking to my breasts the whole time, I was like, HELLO, I'm up here, you know, those babies can't really talk... Well, it WAS getting a bit cool and I was only wearing a thin tshirt and cotton bra... LOL.
So I said goodbye before his eyes fell out of his head and we came home.
I don't have to pack a lunch for myself for tomorrow, our boss is taking us out, AND it's jeans day, so no wardrobe decisions, either. Yeeey.

A game I play

with myself every day driving to and from work. On a certain part of the road where the street starts on which a certain person lives. I tell myself if I don't glance in that direction, I won't miss him so much that day. Most days, I lose and gaze down the street with moony calf-eyes, it's sad, really. Not like I'm gonna see him from that far, even if he happened to be on the street. Today, on the way home, I DID NOT LOOK, but it made me miss him even more... Gosh, I'm truly pathetic when it comes to him....

Stamping Workshop

We had a workshop today. Once a month, 8-10 of us get together, make a card and learn a new technique in stamping. Today it was fairly simple but cute: making different patterns and effects with a rainbow-coloured inkpad. All nice springy colours, cool lilac and bright fresh green and white. We gabbed and stamped, admired each other's work, and how creative everybody got while playing with the colours and patterns. Depending on where you put the stamp, you get a different colour spectrum, yellow, red, purple, blue, green. It was so nice to immerse myself in something creative, I didn't even think of my marriage, work, my troubled love life or anything else. On the way home in the car, I did something I haven't done in a while: turned the radio off and started singing. These old Hungarian songs came into my head, ones I learned when I was in our high-school choir, and they needed to come out. I actually still have a singing voice... It felt great.
Hungarian folk songs have a lot of Turkish influence, so the melody sometimes has sharp up or down turns, it sounds very exotic, whereas Russian folk songs are more even toned and lend themselves to variations easily. It sounds lovely when a group sings the higher version and a few people pipe in with the lower one, it underscores the beauty of the melody. My cousin in Russia is a music teacher and we talked about the differences in the music. She learned a Hungarian song from me and taught it to her school choir back in Russia. She recorded the notes based on my singing, and I supplied the Hungarian words (written out in Russian alphabet, it looked hilarious!). It was about winter, and it has a haunting melody with sharp ups and downs and half-notes. She said they were a great success in the regional competition.

I ache for you

I want to hear your voice. I want to look into your eyes, your sweet face. I want your arms around me, your mouth on mine. I want to feel you, taste you, love you. So much I could cry.

Second Day

I actually had moments of clarity this morning regarding the Accounts Payables part of the process, so it was great for the first part of the day. But the woman who is training me got some bad news and for the rest of the day, I was pretty much left to my own devices. I got stuck on a couple of things, then she came back and grumpily and really hurriedly explained, then left again, to make phone calls or whatever. I hope whatever it is that happened in her life with sort itself out; she looked really distracted and stressed. And I also hope this doesn't mean that my training is done. LOL. Cuz then I'm gonna be in trouble!
Lydia was very good again this morning, so she's got two stickers on her chart already. (I promised her stars for the good days, but we found elephant stickers in the dollar store, so she chose those instead.)

First Day at Work

Well, I survived my first day back in the workforce. Lydia was very, very good this morning, even though she had to get up an hour early. She had her outfit picked out last night and the whining was to a minimum. She was quite happy to go to the sitter's, so all was well.
When I got there, the woman I was supposed to see wasn't in yet, the coffee machine was broken, so consequently, everybody gathered around it in the kitchen, really grumpy.... LOL. But soon I was introduced around and the woman who is training me showed up and started pouring information on me by the bucket. The software they are working on is fairly simple and user friendly, it seems, but GOSH, the amount of STUFF that I have to memorize is JUST MASSIVE. By lunch time, my head was spinning! I thought I was gonna get a brain overload, so I went out for a walk just to air my head out a bit. The afternoon didn't seem quite so horrible, probably because my brain just shut down and didn't let so much info in. Nevertheless, I survived, but I'm exhausted. Lydia and I went out for chinese food, cuz there was no way I was cooking anything after getting home! She was pretty happy about it.
She had a great day, actually, she got an award at school. Last month's theme was courage and Lydia got it in her class for "having the courage to take risks and challenges to become the best she can be". She is so proud and I'm so happy for her! We put the certificate up on her cork board.

Yesterday

I felt ugly and tired all day. Then by the time the Talk Exchange ended I developed a really bad headache. The talk was wonderful though and I really enjoyed it (Scientology and other weird cults). D. brought this book, an encyclopedia of all the sects and cults, it's amazing how many of them there are! And what's funny is, they can't really come up with new ideas anymore, so they kinda pick and choose rituals and thoughts from other religions and try to create their own. I mean, Huna and Christianity? Pentecostals and snake handlers (who btw. drink snake poison, in addition to playing with the snakes)? Aliens and UFO's and paranormal? Wow. Honestly, your average wiccan looks pretty normal... I've always been drawn to wicca, probably because it's female-centric and it has a lot of positive things (loving and respecting nature, healing, etc.). However, there is always a catch... somehow I really can't see myself worshipping the Goddess with weird rituals in a black robe and a knife... Just not into rituals much, I guess.
After the Talk, P. and I went to his house and I promptly fell asleep on his couch, he then woke me up to walk me over to the bed and we cuddled and I dozed from time to time, then he made me tea and we talked. He wished me luck for my first day of work and hugged me before I left. He is so good to me. One would think that would be enough and I wouldn't be pining for someone else... sigh.