Laughs and Farts

Yesterday, Barb, Tracy, Joe and I went out to celebrate my new job. We went to college together and I'll be working with Tracy, and the four of us got together from time to time to catch up on each other's lives and have a few laughs. It's always a riot and we always have a great time. Last night was no exception, but, as Barb put it, we sunk to a new low.... LOL. It all started innocently enough, we went to Crabby Joe's and had dinner (I had quesadilla for an entree so I had room for dessert and had this AMAZING Pecan Tart with vanilla ice cream. Yummy!) So even then, we already started on the laughs, we grilled Joe about his sexlife and any new boyfriend prospects, Tracy was telling us how her 15 yr-old daughter has bigger boobs then she does, and how she spends all her waking hours not in school on MSN with her friends (teenagers!!!), I told them the latest about Lydia, Barb was talking about work and her Mom and we teased her about her lovelife, so it was all good. Then I noticed that this guy at the next table was checking Tracy out, so she did a test, she got up to pee and we had to observe the guy - yes, he was totally checking her out! He was cute, too, sortof, dark hair, beard and a nice friendly laugh. He had his sunglasses pushed up to the top of his head. Unfortunately, by then we already got our bill and couldn't linger any more, the restaurant was really busy and the girl kept saying, whenever you're ready.... LOL. So we decided to go a Tim's up the road. As we were leaving the restaurant, Joe let a loud one fly in the parking lot, so we all laughed hysterically again, and then Tracy was asking Joe if the guy's sunglasses were on top of his head, would that mean that he was gay. Joe said he is not sure, and Barb said, well, no, because I always wear MY sunglasses on the top of MY head! So again, we burst out laughing, because while Barb meant to say that she is not a gay man, so it doesn't mean anything, Tracy and I saw the irony in it (cuz Barb is a lesbian) and laughed hysterically. So that was that, we had to conclude that the cute guy with the beard might be conflicted, cuz he had his sunglassed on the top of his head... for heaven's sake! The laughs and jokes were pouring out of us a mile a minute, and we drove to Tim's and it just got worse. We were all nursing a coffee at Tim's at the corner table, and the rest of the people there were looking at us disapprovingly, they probably thought we were drunk as a skunk, meanwhile, we didn't even have drinks at the restaurant, we were just being idiots without an excuse! By then, I kinda had to squeeze my cheeks a couple of times, but I didn't want to leave the table because it was so funny, I didn't want to miss a thing, so when Joe said something really funny, and I burst out laughing, well, something else burst out (really, really LOUD) at the other end! OOOPS! Joe screamed and dove towards Barb to avoid any "aftereffects" and Tracey was laughing so hard she had tears runnind down her cheeks, I turned beet red and laughed even harder, and Barb was, like, Huh? What the heck was that? So we laughed even harder! WELL! After that, it all went downhill, we all exchanged embarrassing bodily function stories and I learned some new expressions I never knew before (like SBD - silent but deadly and SHART - a fart that results in not just air coming out - EWWW). Then Tracy let one fly as well, but you could tell it was on purpose and wasn't nearly as loud as mine, so I won, hands down! LOL. We laughed and laughed until our cheeks (the ones on our faces) hurt, and I can still feel my stomach muscles. Barb said laughter lowers the bloodpressure and I said, in that case, it's a wonder I'm still sitting cuz my blood pressure must be so low I should faint! Then we said goodbye reluctantly, promised to do this again real soon (scheduled a pot luck for June) and I drove Barb home. It was a great night!

My girl is FUNNY!

This morning, Andy stopped at Lydia's door and said: "There is a funny smell in your room, can you smell it?" Lydia said: "No." Andy said, annoyed: "Well, I can!" Lydia flippantly answered: "Maybe it's you!"
I did admonish her for being disrespectful, but gosh, it was hard to keep a straight face, it was sooo funny!!!!

Flames' ABCs

I stole the idea from J-Girl's page, who stole it from Ben... I love these... I know, it's nerdy, but I do...

Accent: light Hungarian accent with a hint of Russian background

Booze: I’m a cheap drunk, half a glass of white wine and I’m DONE. But if I do drink, I like blush wines and light-coloured beers

Chore I Hate: changing the litter box and folding laundry

Dog or Cat: Cat. I have two now, and I’m in danger of turning into one of those crazy old ladies who have 20 cats…

Essential Electronics: Computer, absolutely

Favorite Cologne: I like light, fresh flowery scents in perfume. My favourite flower smells are lilac and freesia.

Gold or Silver: gold, preferably with some pretty and expensive stones… LOL

Hometown: born in Vladimir, Russia. Grew up in Budapest, Hungary

Insomnia: When stressed or very horny.

Job Title: As of Monday, Bookkeeper!

Kids: One girl, six, going on 16

Living Arrangements: A sweet little bungalow on a busy street, my heart is breaking at the thought of leaving it, but I’ll be moving soon into a coop (it's a positive move though, so I'm not complaining. I'm just not very good with change).

Most Admirable Traits: Compassionate and a good friend

Number of Sexual Partners: Currently, 1 regular, and 1 really hot lover when the mood happens to strike him and he lets me close. During my lifetime so far: 12

Overnight Hospital Stays: When I was pregnant, last month of pregnancy on bed rest, in a room with three other preggers and a half-broken air-conditioner, in June.

Phobias: Needles. I literally pass out; lose consciousness when I get a blood test or IV.

Quote: Lots of good ones, one of my oldest favourite is from Audrey Hepburn (actually, she was not the one who came up with it but she quoted it often:
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives and the passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.
Religion: I am trying to figure out what the heck I believe in. I'm pretty much done with organized religion and churches. But I do believe in people’s inherent ability to be kind.

Siblings: 1 half-sister and 1 half-brother, both much older then I, and we never lived in the same house.

Time I Wake Up: 7 am, but starting Monday, it will be 6:30.

Unusual Talent or Skill: I give really great blow jobs, I’m told. ;-) I’m a fairly good writer.

Vegetable I Love: Green Beans and Snow Peas.

Worst Habit: Procrastination.

X-Rays: Dental, broken ankle when I was 12.

Yummy Foods I Make: Hungarian Goulash is my specialty, and I make really good soft tacos, chicken with vegetables, cabbage rolls, mother-in-law squares (no actual human being is in the ingredients, it’s a pastry that’s traditionally made by the mother of the groom for weddings in Hungary, and the recipe starts with 2 lb of butter and goes downhill from there, but it’s OH SO GOOD!)

Zodiac Sign: Cancer. Family-oriented, sensitive and moody. I withdraw into my shell when I’m hurt.

A wet dream

Wow. Just a couple of days ago, P. and I were talking about wet dreams. I said I don't really get them that much, unless I'm very horny and haven't had any for a long time. Well, last night, wouldn't you know it, I had a wet AND lesbian kinda dream! It was about my best friend Hedi, we went to high-school together back in Hungary and we lost contact for a while, and then about 10 ys ago, when I went back home for my Dad's funeral, I looked her up again. She came to visit and loved Canada so much that she and her husband immigrated here as well. They live in Oakville now. We are great friends, we tell each other everything, no secrets, though I wonder if I should tell her about this one.... LOL. Of course I will, she'll just laugh...
So in this dream, she and I were at her uncle's house (her uncle died long ago, and his house was in Philadelphia, but in this dream it was in London). We went into the guest bedroom and I was showing her my "toys", and before you know it, we were naked and rubbing each other's clits! Now, in my waking hours, I'm not into women at all, so this was kinda surprising, a bit uncomfortable, but kinda enjoyable nonetheless. Then we used the toys on each other as well, and then we got interrupted by two girls (her cousins, presumably), tumbling out of the closet!!!! Get it? Out of the closet? LOL. I was annoyed and relieved at the same time for being interrupted. LOL

ZITS

I don't know what is going on with my face lately. I get one HUGE gigantic gynormous mountain-size zit after another!!!! I just finally got over one on my cheek, and now another one is on my chin!!!! They are the really awful kind, the ones that are deep under layers of skin, you can't squeeze them out, they are just in there, throbbing and HUGE. My face looked positively swollen last night! I put some zit gel on it, it calmed down a little, but it's still red and painful.... You know, one would hope that wrinkles (ahem, not that I have any, of course) and zits wouldn't exist on the same face!!!!!!! It's just not fair! And of course, when you have something growing on your face, you are just that much more self-conscious, thinking everyone is staring at it.... LOL. Mom never fails to mention it, of course, with this pitying look on your face: "Oh, you have one of those again. Make sure you don't pick at it." "Yes, Mom" (rolling eyes)

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

I got the job I wrote the test and interviewed for yesterday!!!! Arnsby's Property Management, Oxford Street West (about a half-hour commute), as a bookkeeper.
Starting on Monday! Yeeeey... ermm. well, yeey, but also, end of lazy days and having all this time on my hands... On the other hand, I can put in my application to the housing coop I want to move into... A new chapter in my life is about to start and I'm excited and a bit scared.

Help!

J-Girl and anyone else who reads this... How do you add a picture to a post? And, how do you get the blogs you read and other links and stuff to your side bar?
Thanks!!!

Being a Woman

OK, is there ANYTHING in this world more humiliating than a visit at the gyn? I had the "pleasure" yesterday for my post-surgery follow up. So there you are, ushered into this little room, with the paper-covered table looming large, occupying an entire wall. You are given one of those lovely blue gowns (if you're lucky, if not, it's a paper sheet to cover your... ahem... things). So you change and take a seat on the table. I usually put my feet up, too, sitting lengthwise, so there isn't a lot of bodily adjustments when the doctor comes in. You are naked, save the thin gown, and barefoot, and very, very vulnerable and usually cold, too. You try to look around casually, but everywhere you look, you are just reminded of why the heck you are there: the posters of the female reproductive system and the breast, ads for condoms and safe sex, a chart of different birth control methods on the walls. The pregnancy due-date calculation wheel and the different requisition slips on the desk. The (aaarrrrgggghhh) lubricant, the latex gloves (extra large, gulp) and the container of pee-testing strips on the counter. Then the doctor comes in, fully dressed, of course, no thin little blue gown for him, thank you very much, although, let's face it, I would probably freak if he was wearing one, but anyway. So he comes in, you tell him why you're there (although my doc usually is up on things, he knows). He tries to crack a couple of jokes to "break the ice" but frankly, even if you manage a half-smile, you'd rather be ANYWHERE else on this Earth than here... And then, the moment of truth comes, you put your feet up on those darn stirrups, stare at the ceiling (tiles and neon lights), and try to pretend you're somewhere else... Thankfully, my doc doesn't chat too much while he is down there, saving you the humiliation of trying to think of some witty comment to say about the weather, or where you're going on vacation.... I usually try not to think about what's going on, but it's really difficult when you have metal things shoved up where metal things really shouldn't go... So finally, when he is all done with you, he tells you the "findings" while you're still shivering, now from the cold AND the unpleasantness of it all, so you don't even listen, just think about putting your clothes on and getting the heck outta there! Thankfully, everything is fine, so I don't have to come back for a follow-up follow-up, that's all I wanted to hear. Then you thank him for doing this to you and then he leaves and you put on your clothes as quickly as possible. You leave the room, relieved that it's all over and look at the other unfortunates out there, still waiting for their turn.

Whew, what a day!

It started with Lydia not wanting to get up in the first place, and then the morning went downhill from there... Not the right cereal, the pears were too hard, it was a repeat show of Lazy Town, the socks were uncomfortable, the sweaters were no good, the favourite snowman sweater was nowhere to be found, her hair was in her face but she didn't want it brushed... arrrrgggghhhh. Finally, I got her off to school (late, so we had to stand for O Canada in the hall). Then Andy called, he wanted me to pick him up from the truck shop (darned thing needs new shocks or something or another). Then I had to rush like crazy to make it to my pre-interview test to the Boys and Girls Club, thankfully, just down the street. I think I did ok, though I messed up one entry pretty bad, the rest of them should be OK. It would be nice to get the job, I would LOVE to work for a non-profit for a change, I've had enough of the greedy bottom line, shareholder-pleasing big corporations. Plus, it's, like, five minutes from home... So after I've done that, it was almost time to pick her up again (early dismissal day), then just enough time to feed her and take her over to her friend's house, drop Andy off at the truck shop to pick up the big rig with the new shocks, and then to Arnsby's Prop. Mgmt. for my second interview of the day!!!!! YIKES!!!!! I did OK on the test, and both ladies who interviewed me were very, very nice, and I met my old college friend Tracy, she works there too!!!! So that would be a good place to work, as well. Then on my way home, who is coming down on Oxford but my other good friend from college, Barb!!!! I gave her a ride home, picked up the kids (mine and her friend Leila) and now they are playing in the back yard with the neighbour boy and I have a moment to myself (until they want something, juice or whatever). Whew.

30 second rule

more like 30 minutes to get through the list...
Jeopardy Girl tagged me, so here it goes...
My first "chain mail" through blog, whoo-hoo!

The 30-second Rule

Rules: Bold the following that are true about you, italicize things you wish were true, add one true thing about you, and then tag five more people.

I miss somebody right now.
I don't watch much TV these days.
I love olive rice.
I own lots of books.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana.
I've watched porn movies.
I have been in a threesome.
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes.
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm TOTALLY smart.
I've broken someone's bones.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
I hate the rain.
I'm paranoid at times.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really, really fast.
I have fresh breath in the morning.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
I like the way that I look.
I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
I know how to cornrow. (er, I know how to cornflake.. it counts? =)
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I think prostitution should be legalized.
I think Britney Spears is pretty.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single.
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
I enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop than eat.
I would classify myself as ghetto.
I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal. (or Blog)
I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in (a) God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
I currently like someone. (I like many people...)
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. (I'm having enough trouble figuring out THIS portion of my life)
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I have scared people off with my enthusiasm.
I am shy around the opposite sex. (in certain situations)
I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
I have tried alcohol or drugs before. (just alcohol)
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
I own the "South Park" movie.
I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbour or chum.
I enjoy some country music. (old stuff, mostly)
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I watch soap operas whenever I can.
I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I have dated a close friend's ex.
I like surveys/memes.
I am happy at this moment.
I'm obsessed with guys.
I have pajamas with turtles on them
I am punk rockish.
I am preppy.
I go for older guys/girls, not younger. (generally, but not much older)
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I can work on a car.
I love my job.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can.
I have jumped off a bridge. (though, not a high one)
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
I believe in prophetic dreams.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient on a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.
I went to college out of state.
I am adopted.
I like sausage.
I am a pyro.
I love the Red Sox.
I have thrown up from crying too much.
I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
I love kisses. (especially on the neck)
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colors.
I love Dear Abby.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I think school is awesome.
I think pigtails serve a purpose.
I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I don't like multi-textured ice cream.
I think John Cusack is adorable.
I f**king hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays. (but I'll eat there if people drag me)
I watch Food Network way too much.
I love coaching youth sports.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I would not be friends if they weren't family.
I wear a toe ring.
I have a tattoo.
I love vaginas.
I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I know who Santos L. Halper is.
I read trashy romance novels and I am ashamed.
I love wrestling.
I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
I am an artist.
I have a goal to collect every Johnny Depp movie ever made.
I have an unhealthy Taco Bell obsession.
I have had a crush on a cartoon character when I was a kid.
I have spent more on anime and manga than many spend on computers or other high end products.
I only clean my room when neccesary.
Weight is my enemy!I'm a serious chocoholic.
I absolutely adore animals.
I love surprises.
I love to be seen.
I often act without feeling for people.
I like arguing for the sake of arguing.
I think most girls look better with spectacles
My skin is peeling because i had been under the sun.
I want to ORD.
I like men who are much taller than me.
I’m worried that I’ll mess up my kid’s psyche the way my parents messed up mine.

OK, now the tagging part... I'm afraid I don't know five people who blog, so I'll need to do these by email...

Pauline
Dianne
Sandra
Barb
Graham

Black-Eyed Peas

My friend Pauline and I have this code. When we are really pissed off at our spouses, or just men in general, we send each other a black-eyed pea recipe, based on this Dixie Chicks song:

Mary Anne and Wanda were the best of friends
all through their high school days,
Both members of the 4H Club, both active in the FFA
After graduation Mary Anne went out lookin' for a bright new world
Wanda looked all around this town and all she found was Earl
Well it wasn't two weeks after she got married
that Wanda started gettin abused
She put on dark glasses and long sleeved blouses
and make-up to cover her bruise
Well she finally got the nerve to FILE for divorce,
She let the law take it from there
But Earl walked right through that restraining order
and put her in intensive care.
Right away Mary Anne flew in from Atlanta on a red eye midnight flight,
She held Wanda's hand and they worked out a plan,
And it didn't take 'em long to decide, That Earl had to DIE
na na nana naaaaa na, Goodbye Earl.
Those black-eyed peas?
They tasted all right to me, Earl.
You're feelin' weak?
Why don't you lay down and sleep, Earl?
Ain't it dark wrapped up in that tarp, Earl?
The cops came by to bring Earl in,
they searched the house high and low.
Then they tipped their hats and said,
"Thank you ladies if you hear from him let us know"
Well the weeks went by and spring turned to summer
and summer faded into fall
And it turns out he was a missing person
who nobody missed at all.
So the girls bought some land at a roadside stand out on Highway 109
They sell Tennessee ham and strawberry jam and
they don't lose any sleep at night 'cause Earl had to die!
Goodbye Earl. We need a break! Let's go out to the lake, Earl.
We'll pack a lunch and stuff you in the trunk, Earl.
Well is that all right? Good, let's go for a ride, Earl! Hey!

This one is from RecipeZaar:
Black-eyed Pea Salad Recipe #35039
This is a nice little salad, change the ingredients to suit your mood. I add corn kernels and small corn on the cob, pea pods..mix it up and see what you like.
3 1/2 cups cooked black-eyed peas, drained
1 red bell pepper, minced
1 green bell pepper, minced
3 green onions, minced
1/2 cup minced celery
1 cup seeded and diced tomatoes
3/4 cup parsley, minced
5 tablespoons white vinegar
3/4 cup olive oil
2 teaspoons minced orange zest
salt & freshly ground black pepper, to taste
My Note: Arsenic or other poison is to be added AFTER you've set some aside for yourself - no need to waste all that effort and food, it will only take one serving anyway....

4-6 servings

15 minutes 15 mins prep

Into large bowl, place peas, red and green peppers, green onions, celery, tomato and parsley. In small bowl, whisk together vinegar, oil and orange zest.
Add to salad and mix gently. Season with salt and pepper.
Cover and chill. Remove from refrigerator 30 minutes before serving; taste and adjust seasoning if necessary.

Daisy

My black kitty seems to need a lot of cuddle time lately. She is first at the door to greet me when I come home and looks up at me with her round head slightly tilted, like, look at me, I'm so cute. And the last few nights, she decided to spend the night with me. I don't let them sleep with me, I value my snooze time too much to have two cats crawling over me all night, so I close my door and they stay in the living room. But Daisy devised a plan. Sometime during the evening, she sneaks into my closet, and there she sits, quiet as a mouse, doesn't even come out to listen to Lydia's bedtime story, like she usually does. Then she waits until I go to bed (probably falls asleep in the closet), waits until I'm almost asleep (so I don't have the strength to get up and send her out), and then, she comes, first very quietly, jumps up on the bed and presses herself to my leg, then makes her way up, and by the time she gets to my upper body, she purrrrrs like crazy. So what else can I do but pet her and then we both sleep. (until she decides that it's time for her to groom herself, or some other annoying thing, then she settles down again).
Tonight though, around 2 am, Lydia also came in (said she had a bad dream, but she didn't sound too upset, so I wonder), and at that point, Daisy decided it will not be fun to have a thrashing kid in the bed with us, so she ran out. Lydia settled in and slept. Occasionally, a small foot ended up in my stomach, or an arm across my chest, or a head on my hip. I listened to her breathing and smiled. She is still small enough to need me, no matter how independent and mature she seems to be when she is awake.

Bestiality, Sex and Scientology

Well, weren't we just true to form at the talk exchange tonight? Even though I was an hour late due to babysitting issues, we discussed all of the above, plus hermaphrodites, transvestites and hunky wrestling-type men who dress like women. It was a fun discussion, a bit more informal because D. was somehow willing to let us go off-topic (he usually doesn't), and I liked this format much better. Probably because of the size of the group as well, it's easier to have an informal discussion with less people. I ordered the crabcakes for the first time GOSH they were sooo good, with avocado dip on top of them, mmmm. And D. explained in detail what he knows about Scientology. WOW! What little respect I had for Tom Cruise (wasn't much, I assure you, to begin with) is all gone now if he truly believes in all that CRAP. Honestly!!!!! Xenu and volcanoes and a giant vacuuum and alien souls occupying our bodies, fuck, it's straight out of sci-fi, but without the sci. (j-girl, that comment with the vacuum was FUNNY!!!!) And John Travolta, too, who I totally had a crush on in my younger years when I saw Grease for the first time. How sad.
Afterwards, I went up to P.-s place and we talked and cuddled and he told me about his week, it was really, really rough and he decided to go to AA. Finally. I hope he'll do well, but so far, I was able to push back any attempt for him to make me save him. He asked if he could call me if the urge takes him to reach for a drink, and I said, I do consider him my very close friend, and I love him dearly, but I can not accept the responsibility and the guilt if I fail to dissuade him. It's not my battle to fight, I have my own shit, thank you very much. And you know what? It felt GREAT to be capable of saying no. And you know what else? The world didn't end, and neither did our friendship, so it was wonderful. Gosh, maybe I will get to be a "normal" person after all, at least when it comes to personal boundaries.

The Wedding

Last minute, A. decided that he wants to go, too. I wasn't too thrilled, but he WAS invited, even though I know he hates Sandra's guts. So we all got dressed up, me in a pretty navy dress with a bit of sparkly embroidery on it and my new fabulous sandals in three different shades of blue. Sexiest shoes I've ever had. Put on make-up, too, but I didn't feel very sexy at all. My face looked tired and pale. L. was very excited, she could hardly wait to get dressed, she was so cute. White dress with blue flowers and blue ribbons, and she let me crimp her hair. With all that hair, she looked like Hermione from the first Harry Potter movie, small, cute, smart face and lots of hair. She also had new sandals, white with sparkly beads on them. We were right on time, a lot of people were already there and we were escorted to our seats. Shortly after we sat down, Marilyn and her family came, Shannon, her 8 yr-old with them, so Lydia had someone to talk to and compare outfits and shoes (and so did I, LOL - Marilyn and I both agreed that Sandra's side of the church was MUCH better dressed and MUCH better looking than those OTHER people -Allan's relatives and friends - not really, but hey, isn't that what people do at weddings? criticize the OTHER side?) So Marilyn was pointing out his sisters and his mom, she met them at the shower that I didn't go to because I had my surgery that weekend. Looks like a nice family and they all seemed to be very happy to welcome Sandra into their fold. The ceremony started a bit late, L. was starting to get bored, and then finally, the pastor, the groom and the best man came in, and then the maid of honor, and then.... THE BRIDE. Sandra looked beautiful, strapless dress with boobs pushed up, very HOT, and a little see-through shrug with long princess sleeves. No veil, but her hair was put up in a very pretty updo and sprayed with sparkles, it looked gorgeous. Like a princess. The flattest shoes she could find, because Allan is just slightly shorter... Allan had this radiant grin on his face the whole time, it was so cute. Sandra was so nervous her flowers were shaking, but her voice was strong when she said the vows. When the pastor talked about loving and respecting each other, I felt a knot in my throat, and when they promised to be faithful to each other, I felt the tears well up. Yes, my marriage is not loving and not the least bit respectful, and I have NOT been faithful. It hurt. I could only stop crying by reminding myself that I will look like a mess if my makeup starts dripping. After it was done, and the pastor announced them, the music for walking out was: At Last!!!! everybody chuckled, it was cute....
Afterwards, at the reception, A. was his own self, not saying boo to anyone and looking sullen, so we left early, not even waiting for the cake. Part of me would have loved to stay, but another part just wanted to get out of there, away from the happy families and the promise of a new marriage.
In the afternoon, we went over to my friend Barb's house and had lots of fun with her, Linda and her daughters, and A. could play his xbox game in peace.

I wish I could pray

I wrote this post on Friday night... It was a rough night for me but I survived, thanks to a friend on msn and my new ways of coping I learned in therapy.

I wish I could believe that there is someThing or someOne, all powerful, out there listening and answering prayers. I feel awful just now. I just finished making a card for my friend Sandra's wedding tomorrow. It's really hard to celebrate a marriage that's just beginning when mine is falling apart. I feel like someone died. And something did die. My marriage, hopes and dreams, and my love for him.

I'm getting frustrated!!!!!

1. I need a JOB. NOW. Not just any job, a job that is full time, with benefits, and preferably enough money so I can finally move out. A. and I are just barely existing together, wouldn't call it a marriage or even "living" together. Every word he says hurts me and/or irritates me. I know it's partly because of my attitude, because before, I was always able to explain away or brush aside the hurt he caused me and now I'm not willing to do that anymore. But after what I've learned in therapy, shutting up and taking it is no longer an option. He noticed it, this change, my willingness to finally stand up for myself and he challenges it on every turn, whether it's with sex or nasty comments, or whatever. He actually told me, if I screw up (and you really never know what constitutes as screwing up with him, just whatever pisses him off at the moment) he will "punish" me with sex. What kind of a comment is that???? I don't want to hate him, but more and more, I can just feel the negative feelings building up in me. I hate this power play. I don't want to be a doormat anymore, but I don't want to be challenged all the time either. Crap. Why is this so complicated?????
I talked to my shrink about this whole thing, the sex and the power and he said not to worry, really, my sexuality is great, and what we have with A. is not about sex, it's about power. So we did a session on power and it all went back to my Dad and I bawled and bawled and it was awful, but afterwards, I felt much better and stronger. Hey, maybe once I can finally move out, I can get over Filo and kick P. out of my life and start over... Now, if only I could figure out what the heck is a "normal" relationship is supposed to be like....
2. My other frustration is that nobody reads this stupid blog. Why do I even bother... Oh well, it's therapeutic anyway.

So Deep

Today I was flicking through the channels with no particular interest in mind, and there was an interview with an actress. She is an older lady, very beautiful and serene, an Oscar winner. Can't remember her name, but she said a couple of things that really struck me. First, she said: "I was blessed with a really bad childhood" and went on to say that people who have good childhoods and families might be more complacent, less likely to shake things up or want to change their lives. I thought, YES. Here is a person who took what was her lot in life and did something to it. Created something good out of the bad and is able to look at it in a positive way because of what she was able to do! And then she said: If you don't give of yourself to the world, you rob the world of that which is you. Only you can contribute that certain thing that's you. And if you don't do it, it will destroy you. If you give of yourself, it will free you. Not exact words, but I thought it was really profound.
Must find out the name of this person... I think I'll browse the Oscars website....

Happy Chocolate Bunny Day, everyone!

My girl was up at 7 this morning, ready to go egg-hunting. Luckily, A. got up even earlier to hide all the eggs in the backyard. He then went back to sleep, and I went outside with her (not appreciating the dewy morning too much, though her happiness and enthusiasm did rub off on me). She got the loot inside, opening each egg and announcing what was in it (chocolate, more chocolate, a bouncy egg-shaped ball, a fuzzy chick and other treasures). Then we had a traditional breakfast with ham and hardboiled eggs and A. was reminiscing about the time when he was a young boy. His Mom put all the Easter breakfast items in a big basket (the ham, butter, yeast bread, wine, eggs) and they took it to church and the pries blessed it, and only then they could take it home and eat.
After breakfast, we raided the chocolate stash. MMMM.

Yes, this is a love poem

How glorious he is, this lover of mine.
How sweet his words, how soft his hands.
In a world apart, away from space and time
His kiss on my neck sends shivers down my spine.

Enchant me and arouse me, my sweet love.
Take my body and play on it like a harp
An instrument that will sing sweet music
And there will be a generous reward.

I will kiss and caress every beautiful inch
Of your body so lovely, your belly so flat
Your muscles bunch and your eyes flinch,
Your flesh trembling under my touch.

How well we please each other, you and I
Friends and lovers, only we know why.
Our love is not for the world to see,
We cherish it gently, away from disapproving eyes.

Happy Baby

I'm happy today. Glowing and smiling. Let it be my secret why, but it's wonderful.
We are going to paint eggs today, my girl can hardly wait for those hardboiled eggs to cool. We are going to try to paint faces on some of them with a stencil, and some of them will get traditional Russian "paintjob" with the help of these plastic sleeves that you melt on with boiling water. I also have sparkly eggpaint, that should be fun!

Dr. DiCarlo

Yesterday, I had the privilige to listen to an amazing lecture: Dr. Christopher DiCarlo's presentation on "We are all African". He is SUCH a great guy! (not to mention very handsome LOL). He talked about the origin of all humans, explaining how DNA markers (these old, common pieces of DNA that don't get "shuffled" when a new human being is made out of an egg and sperm). I don't pretend to understand all the science that went behind it, but Dr. DiCarlo made it very logical and clear to even a person who never studied science or biology. He teaches Cognitive Thinking in the University of Ontario in Oshawa. I would LOVE to listen to his lectures, that would be WONDERFUL. He had a slide that was really interesting: the natural connectedness of all systems: from the human cells to the universe. So, we are all "made of starstuff", all of our molecules were part of a star a long-long time ago. That was such a nice thought, made me feel important and connected to the universe and everything in it. He explained how the genetic markers can be used to trace the genealogy of every human being on Earth, and how the Ice Age and other global events made it possible for life to evolve in Africa. He also explained how this discovery might help unite people, eliminate racism and hatred, and allow a new sense of morality and ethics to develop without the bindings of religion. Of course, it wouldn't happen overnight, but he also suggested some steps that humanists and forward-thinking people can take to propel that change in our own community. For example, lobbying at school boards to teach Evolution in the classroom, and initiating talks and debate with people who think differently. Btw, his book he is writing right now is titled: How to become a really good pain in the ass!!!!! LOL

Sortof a Poem

Why?
Why do I love you?
Why am I drawn to you with an invisible yet unbreakable string?
I’m hoping for a touch, a sign, a smile; hang on to dear hope.
Then you to drop the string and leave me to fall.
My soul aches for your love, my body yearns for your caress
My mind reaches out for your friendship.
You say we are friends yet you keep me at arms length.
Only letting me close just when I’m ready to let go.
Why don’t you feel the way I do?
Why don’t you need me as desperately as I do?
I want to know you, know your body, your soul, your thoughts.
I want to hold you close in my protective arms.
But when you say no, not today, no, not a good time, no, not a good day, my heart sinks into a deep abyss and no other caress, no other pair of arms, no other heart can heal me.
Embrace me. Hold me. Love me or set me free.

IQ test

Your IQ Is 125

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average Your General Knowledge is Genius

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

better now

Whew, getting out with the girls was a great idea! We walked down the street to another friend of theirs, and there were three other girls there from school! So the five of them had a GREAT time, playing in the little playhouse (it has REAL windows and REAL lights inside and a string of christmas lights on the outside - so kewl!). And the other mom and I sat on the deck and watched them play, it was so relaxing. Summer is coming! There will be more evenings like this and I can't wait! I told her about my frustration with the jobsearch, she offered me a beer and some advice, and there, all was right with the world. Men? What men? Who needs them when you have kids and friends? LOL.

A stressful day

What a day! My husband came home last night, bad mood, as usual, so after greeting him and determining just how black the cloud is over his head, I retreated into my room and fell asleep (escape). Then this morning, he was still grouchy, said he had some errands to run, which was fine by me. I was looking through jobs on the internet, applied to a receptionist job. Then my mom called, she wanted me to take her shopping, and as I was getting ready, Andy came into the room and cornered me. We haven't had sex in ages. He is not even nice to me, and most of the time, just downright mean and cruel. And all of a sudden, there he was, all hands. I pushed him away, playfully at first, but he didn't get the hint. I became actually scared and revolted by the idea of having sex with him. I finally said, NO, loudly and pushed his hands away and he finally backed off, but not before getting in a dig about how totally asexual I am. And that was that, thank goodness. He went back to play his xbox. I went to pick my mom up, with my insides just shaking and I called Filo on my way there to see if I can come by for a hug (I really needed a steadying, reassuring hug), but he said, it's not a good time. Which seems to be the answer I'm getting from him most of the time anyways. Sigh. Why can't I just turn my back on him and forget him already? It's clear he doesn't want me that much, even though he keeps telling me he does. It's very hard to deal with the mixed messages, or maybe they are not mixed at all. Fuck, I just don't know. I'm frustrated and I really, really need to find a job and move out, I can't stand this anymore. I want to live by myself, just me and my daughter and no one else. I want to break away from all the men in my life, and yet somehow I seem unable to. To Andy, I cling because of financial security and allow him to treat me like shit for it. To Filo, I cling because, hell, I don't even know why, other than I really, really like his body and his mind, but in a way, he is cruel as well with his indifference and constant rejection, with just enough acceptance once in a while to keep me hooked. And to P., I cling for the friendship and closeness and kindness, even though his drinking binges, his insecurities and his slightly perverted tendencies have long convinced me that he is not the right guy for any long-term relationship. I feel burdened and I want to be free, but yet not willing to give up what I get out of each relationship. Well, with Andy, I've pretty much worked through it and decided that money is not worth it to be treated like this, so as soon as I have a job, I'm outta here. But the other two.... Just writing all this down is depressing me.
Anyways, my girl has a friend over and they are playing outside, I can hear them through the open window. They are playing on the deck, hanging off the side and screaming: "I'm at the edge of the world." LOL. ahhh. To be six! When your biggest problem is whether your friend can come over and play! I think I'm gonna go outside and play with them. Gotta get out of this funk.

Winter's Turn is Over

This morning, my daughter was extremely upset over the fact that there was snow on the ground and that I made her wear her winter coat and boots to school. She was spitting mad, and I had no patience for it, cuz I'm PMSing BIG time and I'm frustrated that I still don't have a job. So I said, you know what, there is nothing I can do about the snow and it doesn't matter whether you're throwing a hissy fit or not, it's not gonna change, just grin and bear it and get out the door so you're not late for school. She stomped out but still clearly upset, throwing dirty looks at me. I said, what, now the weather is my fault and you're mad at me for the snow? She said, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at winter! It's not FAIR, she yelled. Winter is a big bully and spring is just a baby and winter's turn is done now and he should go back to the END OF THE LINE and wait his turn again and let spring take her turn!!!!! Well, my frustration just dropped away, it was soo funny and yet such a fitting allegory for the seasons! Isn't it just amazing what goes on in her little head?????? We drove to school and she was still going on about it all, and she even told Mrs. Pincombe, who was really nice, she said, you know, there is always a snowfall just before the flowers are ready to come out, so when the snow melts it leaves the ground soft and wet so the flowers can poke their heads through. So my placated girl took her place in the line and went in with the others.

Shades of Green

You Are Olive Green

You are the most real of all the green shades. You're always true to yourself. For you, authenticity and honesty are very important... both in others and yourself. You are grounded and secure. It takes a lot to shake you. People see you as dependable, probably the most dependable person they know.

What Color Green Are You?

Chick Rocker

the escapades of all my fragments

You Are a Chick Rocker!

You're living proof that chicks can rockYou're inspired by Joan Jett and the DonnasAnd when you rock, you rock hard(Plus, you get all the cute guy groupies you want!)

What Kind of Rocker Are You?