Frustrated

Barb, not for your delicate sensibilities. Consider yourself warned.

I think I lost it!!!! My ability to... ahem... bring myself to satisfaction... these days, I'm horny as heck, and I'm usually very orgasmic (multi, actually, not to brag, but I'm very, very easy to... ermm... please). So the last three times I tried, NOTHING. I come THIS close, I feel the little buzz in my head and then that beatiful rush that's supposed to come after, just doesn't happen. Usually, I'm quite "utilitarian" about this, when I'm doing it on my own. I just get into bed, turn the lights off, turn my little buzzing bullet on and dive south. 5, max 10 minutes, I'm done and off to sleep with a smile on my face. Not these days... sniff. I thought it was my bullet, maybe the battery is dying. Changed them to good Duracell ones... NOPE. Then I thought, OK, I'll just work on it a bit more. I put on a sexy teddy and caressed myself sensuously before getting serious. NOPE! Not even my favourite fantasy managed to put me over the edge. Then I thought, NOW I'm MAD. I just put the bullet against my clit and left it there, no matter how intense it got. Again, got JUST THIS close, then nothing. Seriously, I'm worried. I'm afraid to try again tonight. Maybe I'll give it a few days rest and see. Sigh... Meanwhile, I have this uncomfortable little cramp now, deep inside me. FRUSTRATING.

At home

with a pukey kid. Lydia woke up at 3 am yesterday morning, puking and with a high fever, which continued throughout the day yesterday. She was looking a bit better last night and was able to keep some pasta down and some Gatorade (which I usually don't keep in the house, but it's good for electrolytes, so she thought it was a treat!), so I thought she was over it, but this morning, she woke up again with a fever. She is a pro though, she has this little bucket and whenever she needs to puke, she just grabs it, so I didn't have to change bedding at all! Good girl! She slept for most of the day yesterday, which was great, it helped her heal and gave me a chance to lie down with her, since I was pretty beat as well.
btw, it's amazing how many people are up at 3 am - I was looking for the address and phone number of a 24hr Shoppers, and I went on msn just out of curiosity... well, G. was up, my friend in NY was up, I was like, do you guys ever sleep???? So after Lydia feel asleep again, G. and I had a phone conversation about old WWI German helmets. We looked them up on ebay and G. was telling me which ones were fake and which ones were authentic, and little interesting bits of information about the era and the type of soldier who would wear them. There was one with a bullet hole through it, I wondered if the wearer died or the bullet hole went in when no one was wearing it... It didn't say in the details. When I see old things like that, I often wonder about the people who owned/used them. I love browsing antique and garage sales, though I rarely buy the stuff, I have nowhere to put it or display it to its advantage... G. LOVES WWI helmets, he already has two and if he sees an interesting one, he'll buy it, but he is not too sentimental over it, if he gets a good offer, he'll sell it, too. So finally around 4, we both went back to bed.

All is well in my blog world...

my side bar is again where it should be! Without any interference from me! Whew, another dogded HTML editing! LOL.

And I give you:
Another stolen meme from J-Girl. Thanks, J-Girl!

1)How old do you wish you were?
Not sure... Younger, perhaps, but with the same life experience and knowledge... hmm. OK, 27.
2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
At work. We all had the internet and the radio on all day and nobody was working. A guy even joked: the terrorists did a great job of grinding the economy to a halt.
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Depends on how much I wanted the thing I was going for. If it's a bottle of water on a hot day and I'm thirsty, I kick it (not too hard, but just to let it know I'm pissed). If it's a chocolate bar I didn't really need, I shrug my shoulder and tell myself I deserve it.
4) Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes.
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be?
Somewhere on my body I could easily cover with clothes... small of my back probably. I love those designs that look kinda tribal, all spiky yet pretty at the same time. But I will never get one because 1. I don't really believe in tattoos 2. I'm a complete chicken when it comes to needles.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language what would it be?
German (it actually came up today and I realized how I miss it, I used to speak it but I forgot), French (because a lot of good jobs are bi-lingual) or Japanese (I always thought it would be a great challenge).
7) Do you know your neighbors?
Yes. The ones beside us have a loud little boy called Sean who I love even despite his annoying voice. The ones across the street are a Hungarian/Canadian couple with a pair of adorable 13 month-old twins, a boy and a girl... AWWWWW. Whenever I have an urge to hold a baby, I go there. And then cheerfully give it back to the mom.
8)What do you consider a vacation?
an overnight stay (preferably more than one night) with a beach nearby, where I don't have to do cooking or housework.
9) Do you follow your horoscope?
No, it's so silly.
10) Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes
11) Are you touchy feely?
OOOOH YEAH. I loove to cuddle and get physical.
12) Do you believe that opposites attract?
Yes, but only briefly.
13) Dream job?
Something meaningful and mentally challenging, with lots of variety.
14) Favorite channel(s)
The Women's Network, Discovery and (ashamed to admit) the Weather Channel
15) Favorite place to go on a weekend?
Beach, back deck, neighbours for a chat and on Sunday nights, the Talk Exchange
16) Showers or Bath.
Showers.
17) Do you paint your nails?
Sometimes. I think painted toenails are sexy.
18) Do you trust people easily?
Yes
19) What are your phobias?
Needles
20) Do you want kids?
Have one, and I don't want any more.
21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
No. Typing is faster.
22) Where would you rather be right now?
Somewhere far away with mountains and ocean. Victoria came up in a conversation today and though I've never been there, it sounds awesome.
23) What makes you feel warm and safe?
A long, close hug from someone I love.
24) Heavy or light sleep?
Heavy with a loud snore
25) Are you paranoid?
Sometimes
26) Are you impatient?
Not really, except when PMS-ing

oops, I just noticed there is no 27... hmmm. where did it go... need to check j-girl's blog.
Nope, no 27 there either...

28 ) How do you feel about interracial couples?
Good for them! If there were more like them, maybe there wouldn't be a need for a question like this.
29) Have you been burned by love?
Burned, no, not really.
30) Whats your life motto??
Live and let live.
31) What's your main ringtone on your mobile?
Just a generic ring, nothing special. Number 6 on the original menu, I think.
32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping.
33) Who was your last text message from?
I don't get text messages, I cancelled that service a long time ago, it was $5 a month and I rarely used it.
34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
My own.
35) What color shirt are you wearing?
Light turquoise blue.
37) Name five things you have on you at all times?
bra, panties, glasses, top, bottom... I mean, daytime, when I'm out. Nighttime and at home, I might not have five things on.
38.) What color are your bed sheets?
Blue
40) What is your favorite part of chicken?
Thighs.
41) What's your favorite town/city?
I have many. I like Toronto, London (ON) in Canada, Munich and Garmish-Partenkirchen in Germany, Suzdahl in Russia, Budapest in Hungary.
42) I cant wait till...
I can hug him again
43) Who got you to join myspace?
I didn't. I stole this from J-Girl's blog
44) What did you have for dinner last night?
Watermelon
45) How tall are you barefoot?
163 centimeters
46) Have you ever smoked crack?
No
47) Do you own a gun?
Absolutely not.
48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee with lots of milk
49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
My not so secret weapon is my boobs. My more subtle secret weapon is my mind.
50) Do you have A.D.D.?
No
51) What time did you wake up today?
7, then I realized it's the weekend and went back to bed til 9
52) Current worry?
Will I ever have the courage to move out?
53) Current hate?
I don't hate anyone or anything.
54) Favorite place to be?
In my lover's arms.
55) Where would you like to travel?
Oh, I can't even list... Egypt, Scotland, Italy, Morocco, Japan... etc. etc.
56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
Anywhere but here.
57) last thing you ate?
A slice of Hawaiian pizza at the Alex P. Keaton pub.
58) What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't sing in the shower. I save my singing for the car. There, I sing whatever is on the CD.
59) Last person that made you laugh?
Derek from the Talk Exchange
60) Worst injury you've ever had?
Broke my right ankle when I was 12. I was trying to get away from a guy who was showing "himself" to me and as I was desperately trying to get far away from him on my bike, I fell. And, he came to "help" me, with his enormous penis hanging out of his shorts, and he picked me up, fondled me everywhere and deposited me in front of our apartment building. I was screaming the whole time, but nobody was on the street to help me. I don't know why he didn't rape me, I guess I was either lucky, too loud, or that wasn't his intention to begin with. I didn't tell my parents how it all happened until I was in my twenties. My ankle was in a cast for six weeks.
61) Does someone have a crush on you?
hmmm. I hope so.
62) What is your favorite candy?
Werthers.

Party Pictures

Party Pictures

My Party Girl

Yesterday was a big day for Lydia. In the morning, we had our annual garage sale - a lot of houses on the street participate, we put up big signs and advertise in the paper. We usually keep it short and sweet - from 8 to noon, no longer, especially yesterday, since we were expecting 7 kids for 2. Lydia wanted to do a lemonade stand, we put out a little table, she made the sign the night before - LEMONADE 50c. I made the lemonade (the simple way, with frozen concentrate, pink and yellow). She was soooo excited. She got up around 8:30, she ran out to see the garage sale in her pj-s, then I came in with her and helped her look for her lemonade t-shirt (a pink elephant on a purple shirt, and it says Lemonade 15c. - must be an old design... LOL). Then she sat out, and was really disappointed because people were coming by with coffees in their hands, and nobody wanted to buy lemonade. Finally, the neighbours across the street bought a cup, then Andy took pity on her, then I suddenly got the urge for a refreshment (the other people were right - coffee and lemonade DON'T go together.). Then slowly, as the morning got warmer and more people came, she had some traffic. All she made was $6, but she was very happy with that. After we packed up the garage sale, we went to pick up her cake (Fairytopia Barbie), had a quick lunch and made the sandwiches and veggie tray for the party. She was a great helper, putting out the plates and cups on the deck on the table, but she kept coming up with things that we could do: Mommy, can we put up christmas lights? Mommy, can we make different kinds of sandwiches for everybody (other than the 5 kinds I was already making), Mommy, can I take a look at my cake (for the fifteenth time), so at one point, I lost it, slammed the fridge door and said NO, you can't look at the cake - I was afraid she will drop it. She of course started bawling, so I comforted her, said I was sorry, and sent her outside to help Andy fill up the water balloons. Finally, it was time for the party, Erin arrived, then the little girl down the street, Alyssa (5), without her 7 yr old sister, Kareana, who was having a total FIT about her bathing suit... (see, it starts early - bathing suits are very stressful things). Then my friend Dianne showed up with her two kids, Kyle (5), the only boy, and Hannah (7). Kyle was shy at first, uncharacteristically, but warmed up soon enough. Keana (10) came, too, and finally, Leila showed up, too. Yeeey! Everybody got juice or ice tea, and then Keana said: Umm.. I think Lydia should be allowed to open one present at the beginning of the party - mine. I said, OK, one present. And... IT WAS A POOL!!!!! A crocodile sprinkle blow-up pool. Of course we had to blow it up (thank goodness for the air compressor Andy has), and put water in it, then we set up the Sponge Bob sprinkler and put out the two baskets of water balloons. The kids had a great fight, then lounged in the pool, played under the sprinkler, while Kyle did his best to spray everybody out of a spray bottle and a water gun (adults included). The girls of course squealed, Kyle did his evil laugh, everybody had a great time. Then we put out the sandwiches, Dianne and Andy helped, the pizza arrived and was DEVOURED in about 5 minutes. Some more play, then finally it was time for cake and presents. She got spoiled, as usual, and was very happy with her new toys. I was ready for the kids to leave though by the time the parents started showing up, but everybody had such a great time that they kept begging to stay, so we ended up entertaining some of the parents, too (thankfully I had some beer in the fridge), but it was ok. We sat in the shade on the deck and the kids played some more. It was an exhausting but very fun day. I was ready for bed around 10:30, but Lydia insisted she wasn't tired (kept rubbing her eyes and yawning, but still, wouldn't go to bed), she wanted to play with her new toys. But as soon as we got her settled on the couch with her pjs on with her blankey and turned on the tv, she was out in five minutes.

What is HAPPINESS?

I've been thinking about this a lot. Who is really and truly happy? What are those qualities that are common to happy people? I'm not talking about fake / always-idiotically-grinning / annoyingly cheerful people. I'm talking about those who weather life's storms with a calmness that makes them stand out, those who make their decisions with quiet yet strong confidence, those who don't start crying or freaking out over small every-day annoyances. Those who are... serene... maybe. Although serene is a weak word - it assumes that the person is quiet and passive. Is happiness simply ignoring the problems and going with the flow? Is happiness just accepting your lot in life and not look too much into your own soul to see what's missing? Is happiness finding a cause and throwing yourself into it to the extent that everything else will seem unimportant? Certainly, zealously religious people seem to do this and they seem happy. Activists, volunteers, those who do stuff for their community seem happy.
And, I thought often: do I want too much? I want a job that fulfills and makes me feel like I'm doing something important. I want a husband who is home and there for me in every sense of the word, a true life partner who I can talk to and love and be loved by. I want a kid who is not so stubborn. I want a mother who listens and doesn't try to preach at me. And yet, how many people in this world are lonely, childless or orphaned? And, if I would have all those things, would I be finally happy? Or would I then look for more alone time, privacy, a more assertive child, a mother who is not so involved in my life?
I have a friend who divorced a couple of years ago and she is now in a new relationship. Whereas her ex was aloof and distant and commitment- and closeness-phobic, this new man can't get enough of her presence and she finds the constant attention suffocating.
If there is such a thing as "happy medium", how come it's not in the same place for everyone? How can we find it, capture it and keep it, so it stays with us always?
I never had a problem finding happiness in moments of time... but I'm unhappy with my life overall, and yet too scared to change it. How do I get past the fear? Is being fearless equals being happy?

The fat girl's guide...

to buying a swimsuit.
Sigh.. it's that time of year again. For normal people, it means beach, really skimpy clothing, bikinis, ice cream, barbecues, parties. For the fat girl, it means trying not to sweat enough to melt away into a puddle, trying to wear light enough clothing but not show too much, and for the beach, ahhh yes, the beach... wearing these "outfits" that can not really be called swimsuits. More like body armour disguised as swimsuits. You can get all kinds: suits that look like little skirts and tank tops, suits that look more like a dress, suits with enough "tummy" control to take your breath away, and best of all, suits with HUGE, funny-looking shaped cups cleverly hidden inside to supposedly hold your boobs in. NOT. Before you know it, your boobs are hanging UNDER the cups or peek out to the sides or if you - and the guys who happened to be around - are lucky, they threaten to spill out on top.
A few years ago, I tried to beat the system and defiantly wore my actual shorts and a tank top (one of those with the shelf bra inside) to the beach, but they take too long to dry and people look at you like you're trash for swimming in your clothes. I could only get away with it when Lydia was a baby and I just sat on the shore with her with the water gently lapping around us - that was ok. But now that she is a big girl and discovered how fun it is to jump the waves and go deeper in for a nice soak, I can't legitimately do that anymore.
So this year, I decided to get an actual swimsuit. I already have one with the little skirt and top, but it looks more like a tennis outfit than anything else, and I thought, surely, the selection has improved in the past couple of years...
My first trip was to Sears. OK. I understand, I'm a big girl. Size 18. But does that mean that I only want to wear black, navy or dark brown for a swimsuit? You look over to the "normal" size swimsuits: turquoise, yellow, red, pink, purple, green, whatever hue fo the rainbow you're looking for, you'll find it. On 15 racks. And then, there is the "Plus Size" section - one rack with the black, navy and brown ones. Yeeey. That makes you feel just peachy right off the bat! I picked up a couple of them and headed towards the change room. Fluorescent lighting, wonderful! Brings out all the puckers and rolls on your pale flesh. I made sure I wore heels to "elongate the body" and make the calves look sexier, if nothing else. First one, a navy number. Looks like a knock-off from old days past, when they had these "bath houses" and the instructions for a swimsuit started with: take 6 yards of navy blue gabardine. Yeah, covers everything allright. To the point of covering EVERYTHING. I'm not usually a vain person, but I know I have my good features, so I'd like to show more of what I like and less of... the belly. In this one, I just looked like a big navy blue brick. That's a definite NO. The other one, a black one with a black-and-white pattern crossover fabric on the front, and a supposedly "cute" fake tie on the sides, like it's a wraparound. The bottom fit nicely, tummy tucked in, but the cups... well, they just kinda flattened my boobs, squished them down and made them look like I was about fifty. NO. Clothes back on, next store. So it went for the couple of hours that I had, I even went to one of these fancy swimsuit stores that claim they had a suit for EVERY body. Apparently, not mine though. Again, shelves and racks full of normal size suits, and in the back, the "fat suits". On one rack. At least, there was some colour here, but what they made up in fashion, totally lacked in support in all the wrong places. I could already picture the boobies floating out of their confinement to freely swim in the lake, baring all. (actually, a nude beach sounds pretty good right about now). Plus, the suits started at $90 and went up from there, which was waaaaay over my budget. Still, if one of them was "the dream suit", one that fit well and looked acceptable, I even would have sacrificed that much for it.
On to Addition-Elle. Their "young" MXM line can be pretty cool, but sometimes, it's a bit over the top... so it was with the bathing suits: halter top, for heavens sake! What boobs will it hold up???? Maybe a 12-year-olds???? They were sliding UNDER the seam, making it look like I had four boobs instead of just two... And their conservative line was along the same lines as Sears - black, navy, brown. OK, admittedly, there WAS some beading on the brown one.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Penningtons on my lunch hour... I'll skip lunch, maybe the suits will look better... or, better yet: get a plain black tank and get a nice cover-up tunic and be done with it. I'll just pretend to be strolling on the beach and only take the cover-up off at the last minute before diving into the water.
I know, I know, I sound horribly vain, obsessing about the bathing suit thing... I mean, really, once you're on the beach, it's just the water, the sand, the sun, the kids, the splashing... but still... is it a sin to want to look nice while I'm playing ball with the girls?
Actually, my favourite beach is Pinery - no matter when we go, it's never overcrowded and it's just a beautiful stretch of sandy beach... I can't wait. Black swimsuit or no. Summer, here I come!

what the heck

happened to my side bar? Everything moved down to the bottom... I didn't touch the design file, I swear!!!!!! J-Girl!!!! HELP!!!!!!

I'm tired

We had company on the weekend, a Hungarian couple. Hedi is my friend from waaaaay back, in high-school and I was a little bit responsible for them ending up in Canada... she came to visit one summer and loved it so much that they immigrated here after they got married. so we are very close. she knows everything about me. Her marriage is not exactly peachy, and to avoid any conversation with her husband about relationships, she chose not to tell him what I've decided and that our marriage with Andy is over. Thus, Rudy knew nothing coming here. And Andy said NOTHING to him either. They arrived, we sat down to eat, we talked about work and stuff, and nobody mentioned anything about anything important. Later, the guys started playing xbox and Hedi and I retreated to the computer room, where we updated each other on the latest things. I was surprised by what she said to me: She said I'd be crazy not to take advantage of the offer he gave me, about still living under the same roof, especially if he moves down to the basement. Now, understand, Hedi is a realist, through and through. Both feet planted firmly on the ground. I do trust her judgment. She said, look, he is rarely ever home anyways, why not just see if it's gonna work...
And on Friday something else happened that totally blew me out of the water. Andy offered to buy me a car. A brand new one. And he would keep the old Toyota (which is not so old, 1999 model and nothing wrong with it, except melted crayon on the back seat). He said he will pay for the car, and I keep it, and it will be my payout for my share of the house. Plus, if I decide to move, all the furniture, appliances and stuff goes with us... While I'm still living in the house, he is paying all the expenses, but no extra child support. If I decide to move out, he will pay child support.
I agreed to the car. Even though I'm still hesitant. On the one side, there are the issues that separated us in the first place. On the other side, financial security, a new car, not moving my child out of the house she's always lived in, and all I have to do for it is tolerate him one day a week.
Fuck... everybody has a price, and I guess mine is a new car... I'm really disgusted with myself.

I promise

this is the last post I will do about the hamster for a while, but I took pictures of her yesterday, so I wanted to post one so everyone gets to see the now famous captured escapee:
Peanut (new name given by Lydia and Grace, G.'s daughter. Grace announced it with a drumroll and said Lydia is not allowed to change the name any more, so Peanut can learn to listen to her name). My friend Hedy did a quick check and confirmed that yes, Peanut is a girl.

Curiosity Caught the Hamster

This hamster is famous now... In the office, people were asking daily about the progress of catching it, whether the cats found it, if it's still eating the food nightly, etc. Even my boss, Mike, helped by finding a large cardboard box with flaps, because it was suggested that I set up a trap by putting the treat at the edge of the unsupported flaps, thus capturing Oreo. So, last night around 9:30 I trodded downstairs (I didn't put food out the night before to make sure Tinkerbell was good and hungry) to set it up with stairs leading up to the top of the box, lined with treats. As I was working on this, I heard a scratching noise. Not in the workshop - in the laundry room, which is NOT a cat-free zone. I looked out to the laundry room, both cats were actually sitting in there, looking nowhere in particular, though their ears were tilted in all kinds of directions; they were trying to figure out where the noise was coming from, too. (Obviously, they are useless as pest control officers of our house, because they couldn't figure it out.) It was definitely rodent noise, tiny, quick little scratches. I went to the small garbage can under the sink, it was slightly tilted and resting on a bag. I looked inside, and.... there she is, Princess Hammie, trying desperately to climb up the slippery side of the plastic garbage can. She looked up briefly when she saw me looking and continued scratching. I grabbed the can and went upstairs. Lydia was in bed, but not sleeping yet. I said: Look who I found! Her eyes grew round and large and she screamed: Hammie Pie! She immediately got up and brough peanuts for Houdinina and we watched as she cracked the shell and stuffed a peanut in each cheek. I left her under the watchful eye of my daughter and went downstairs to get the cage (which I'm thinking we should WELD shut now, because she'll still be able to get out, the little shit). So last night, I lay in my bed and listened to the soft rustling noises as Tinkerbell was settling in once again in her cage. We have a pet hamster we can actually see now!

My inner European?

LOL, this is funny... turns out I'm not Russian/Hungarian after all - I'm French!!!!

Your Inner European is French!

Smart and sophisticated.You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.

Who's" Your Inner European?

hmmm

Andy (my husband) called me today at work. He said he thought about "stuff". I thought Uh OH... But he was actually quite nice... he had a proposition for me. He said, if I stay in the house with Lydia, he'll continue paying the expenses (mortgage, hydro, heat, etc) in place of child support. I would not owe him anything, he would not owe me anything, it would help him keep the house (it would be hard for him to keep the house bills up on his own AND pay me child support), and it would definitely help me financially, since I wouldn't have to pay rent. He said he will convert the house back into a duplex (it was before the previous owners), clean up the basement and renovate the downstairs bathroom. There is a kitchen there already.
At first, I didn't know what to think.. Then I thought, wow, it WOULD help me a LOT not having to pay rent. It would help Lydia to not take her out of the home she's lived in most of her life. As long as he keeps up the schedule he has now (he is RARELY home, he is a truck driver), it could actually work.... That's the positive... THEN I thought... YIKES. If I start dating openly, it could get uncomfortable. Even if we do have separate living spaces. Then, what if he still expects for me to have sex with him since we're still "under the same roof". Plus, his temper. He can be a nice, calm guy one second, a brooding, growling hermit the next, and an angry, raging monster a moment after that... What if in one of his rages he decides that the arrangement isn't working for him and tells us in the middle of the night to get the *&^% out?
Even though legally, he couldn't kick us out of our home, it would still be ugly. And of course, there is the main reason why I don't want to stay with him in the first place - his putdowns, his sarcastic, mean, hurtful comments he hurls at me any time out of the blue. That's the thing I wanted to get away from in the first place.... sigh... I have a lot to think about... again...

Pictures

Me at 8 months old

Dad, 41
Mom, 26, when they met.

Memoirs - Russia

Even though I'm probably not old enough yet to write my memoirs, I decided to do a few posts about my past and my family. The idea came from J-Girl's last post where she described her mother, and her feelings to her. I can TOTALLY relate. My mother was a knock-out in her younger years... even up until just recently. a petite, but mature and beautiful figure, impish, cute freckled face, red hair... No wonder my Dad fell in love with her at first sight. Her beauty and their passion for each other should have somehow been a blessing, but it caused a lot of emotional problems for me later on... but let's start in the beginning.
My Dad was in the Hungarian army. He was an engineer of radar technology, and he travelled a lot with his job. In 1964, he was sent to Russia (then USSR) to the Military University in the city of Vladimir, close to Moscow, to take some courses. He was living in Budapest, Hungary at the time and he was married with two teenage children. He was 41 years old, and though he was balding, he was still a very handsome and charming man. Blue eyes, black hair, amazing intellect and a sexual libido that far exceeded that of his wife's (she was raised by nuns and had strict schedules for when she had to "endure" his attentions - only one Wednesday and one Saturday a month, and if he wasn't home and missed it, there was no make-up make-out).
So when he was sent to Russia for months he thought it was the perfect opportunity for him to find a temporary girlfriend and have a little fun. There was a young waitress in the university cafeteria, her name was Zoya. She was a pretty woman, in her 30s, black hair, brown eyes, tall, statuesque body. He asked her out. When they were on their second date, Zoya said she needed to meet her little sister at the factory she was working at, so Dad went with her. He saw the small figure emerge from the factory (it was a place where they hand-painted Matryoshka dolls, you know, the ones where in a large wooden doll there is a smaller one, and a smaller one, they all open in the middle) and he later told me that he immediately felt a curiosity, or an "inkling" that he met the ONE. He looked at her face and he was disappointed - she looked very, very young, maybe 16. They went home, and she took off her coat - her firm, full breasts were well displayed in her sweater so he judged her to be around 18 at that point. He asked her age and was surprised to find out that she was 26 years old. They fell in love. Quickly, irrevocably. Zoya, seeing their attraction to one another, stepped aside graciously. She died of infection following throat surgery a few years later. That winter and spring, Vera (my Mom) and Joseph (my Dad) were in a haze of spring fever - they went boating, hiking, movies, restaurants. Their love was a passionate, white-hot wave that engulfed them both. When Joseph had to go back to Hungary after the semester was over, they both suffered greatly. They continued writing letters to each other, and my Dad took every opportunity to travel to Russia - he signed up for another year at the University. Their relationship lasted for four years when Vera told Joseph that she wants to have his child. She assured him that she wasn't going to ask for support, or help, or anything, she just loved him so much that she wanted to have a child with him. He agreed, and on a cold November night, I was conceived. Vera was very happy to be pregnant, even though her financial situation was dire, and she was ostracized at work for being an unwed mother. She gave birth to me on a hot July afternoon, after what seemed like endless hours of labour. She named me Ekaterina, after Catherine the Great. When she went home with me, there was no baby room, no plush toys, no bottles, no crib, no mobile - she was living with her sisters and they were very poor and couldn't afford anything. A neighbour gave her a crib which they set up in the corner of the living room. She had no milk due to poor nutrition, so another neighbour fed me - she had a baby boy a few months before and had more than enough milk. At the time, they lived in a small log house in the outskirts of Vladimir. The house had two rooms - a kitchen with dirt floor and a living room. The house was in poor condition - when I was just a few months old, the roof fell in (my Mom picked me up and took me to the kitchen just minutes before it caved in... Neighbours again helped fix the roof and they even built another room in the back. I can not imagine how difficult it must have been for Mom - water had to be brought in from the well at the street corner, in the winters, the chickens and rabbits lived in the kitchen, toilet was in the outhouse in the back of the yard. My Dad's picture was right above my crib from the first day on. He was very happy that I was born, in his first letter after my birth, he described how he cried when Zoya called him with the news, and how happy he was that I was a girl - he wanted a girl, because his relationship with my sister was always better than with my brother. Still, he was unable to visit at that time; he finished University and traveling between countries was restricted in those days, even within the Eastern Block. He frequently sent money and packages for us, on the picture I scanned in, I'm wearing a nightgown he sent me - it was several sizes too big, more fitting for a two-three year old. So it happened that I was two and a half before I met my father. My Mom told me when he came into the room and she asked: where is Papa? I pointed to the picture on the wall, like I was taught. I didn't know who the guy was that came in...
By then, my Dad's marriage was completely estranged. My brother got married, and my sister was 16. He tried to convince his wife to give him a divorce so he can marry my mother, but she would have none of it. It was finally my sister who advised her mom to let him go. So shortly before my third birthday, Mom and I travelled to Budapest to move there permanently. I don't remember the trip, and I only remember glimpses from that time - the first apartment building we lived in, the orange plaid blanket on my bed, colourful crayons my Dad bought me and the daycare with the toys.
With the resiliance of childhood, I got used to the new living situation quickly - it was much better to live in an apartment with hot/cold water running from the tap, a toilet, and heat in the winter. I picked up the language easily; in a matter of months, I was speaking both languages and would easily switch from Russian to Hungarian and back, depending on which parent I was speaking with.

still on the lose

Tessa picked up the two cucumber pieces AROUND the trap, and the one going INTO the trap, but she wasn't stupid enough to actually go for the ones INSIDE. She did knock the box around a bit, probably looking for ways to get the cucumber without being trapped inside... OK... I'm now thinking of tripwires, huge buckets falling down and covering her if she moves the bait, or if she goes inside her cage, the door slamming shut, or something... 24 hour surveillance camera with alarmbells... hiring guards to guard the cucumber round the clock... rat poison to get this over with and just get a new hamster... LOL. Houdinina, your days are numbered!!!! Come out with your paws in the air!! STEP AWAY from the cucumber!!!! You are under arrest!

A better hamster trap?

I went the "professional" route in the quest to recover the MIA Hammie. A live mouse trap, purchased at Canadian Tire, for 5.99... it's down in the basement, loaded with strategically placed cucumber pieces... I already checked once - nothing.

All the girls at my work daily ask about the hamster's progress, and today, Deb from Accounts Payable actually asked an expert: Chris from a pest removal company that we use all the time for the properties we manage. Chris has been in the critter removal business for over 10 years and he knows lots about all kinds of animals. He said, upon hearing the story of Tinkerbell, and I quote: "ah, those are crafty little buggers". LOL, I believe ya, Chris...

In other news, I was not only glowing today, but my mind kept wandering back at last night's events and I smiled and blushed and... missed a very obvious number on my Bank Reconciliation, was staring at it and couldn't see it from being there... LOL. Lost at least half an hour looking for the difference... ah, sweet love... sigh... He surprised me yesterday. I was about to say goodbye when... anyways... You know, as painful and uncertain this relationship can be for me, it's also... beautiful. I wouldn't trade this bittersweet feeling for anything, certainly not something as mundane as my peace of mind. At least not today...

The hamster

once again outsmarted us... I'm beginning to have all kinds of respect for Houdinina. We set the trap now with more tempting treats - cucumber slices and sunflower seeds. And put a higher bucket in, just in case... Well, this morning I went downstairs to check on it, and.... the food leading up to the steps was gone... the food on the steps was gone... the CUCUMBER AND SUNFLOWER SEEDS were GONE!!!! OUT OF THE BUCKET!!!!! AND... NO HAMSTER in the BUCKET!!!!!! Nibbles must have happily stuffed her cheeks with all the goodies and then proceeded to climb/jump or whatever the heck she did and took them to her secure snug little hiding place... The little bitch!!!!!
I complained to G. about the hamster situation and he said he had a mousetrap somewhere (live one, not the kind that will break her little neck), but then he couldn't find it... So on my lunch hour, I'm gonna head on down to petsmart and see if I can find a PROFESSIONAL mouse trap... Obviously, if we ever find Oreo (new name given by Lydia yesterday), and intend to keep her, the trap will come in handy quite often.

In other news.... Ahhhhh. I'm glowing today.... mmmmmm. Not gonna tell ya why. LOL. Wink. sigh.

Sarah McLachlan

I just LOVE all her songs... I've been listening to this one lately:

STUPID

Night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that youre no good for me
but youre the only one I see

Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
and you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places create
an oasis that dries up as soon as youre gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you

Chorus

Everything changes everything falls apart
I cant stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know

Chorus


and:
ICE CREAM

Your love
is better than ice cream.
Better than anything else that I've tried
and your love
is better than ice cream
everyone here know how to fight

and it's a long way down
it's a long way down
it's a long way
down to the place where we started from.

Your love
is better than chocolate
better than anything else that I've tried
and oh love is better than chocolate.
Everyone here knows how to cry

and it's a long way down
it's a long way down
it's a long way
down to the place where we started from.

the runaway hamster

drama continues... this morning, the bucket trap was empty, and there was no sign of hamster presence, so I was a bit discouraged. I tried to keep up the smiles and the hope for Lydia's sake, but I've been imagining Tinkerbell trapped somewhere under pipes or heaven knows what else in the workshop, not being able to get out... Lydia is upset too, she brought home a picture of herself with HUGE crocodile tears running down her face - that's what she drew when the subspute (her word for substitute) teacher asked them to draw whatever they want... Then we got home and got PROOF that the Hammie Pie was still alive! The carrot had been nibbled on and there are a couple of hamster droppings beside the trap, but Houdinina decided to completely ignore the bounty at the bottom of the bucket... Stupid she is not.... We are both happy at this sign of life (the cats are happy, too, they spend most of their times by the door of the workshop, listening and sniffing, hoping that either the door magically opens or the hamster comes out... ), but Lydia still just wants Tessa safe and sound back in her cage...

A really large cucumber

Don't worry Barb, this is not as naughty as the title suggest, safe to read...

My Mom and I have this thing with watermelons. We can NEVER pick the good ones. My Dad used to buy the watermelons back home at the market, and he always came home with a huge, red, juicy, sweet one for us. Whereas Mom and I... we have methods... The watermelon is a nice shiny dark green, with a yellow spot - check. The vine stump is dried up - check. Tap it and it makes a hollowish sound - check. Dad did the same thing. And then we would take it home and it would be... NOT a watermelon... more like a fat cucumber.. So it happened today. I picked one up at the store, did all the tapping, sniffing and looking, and picked one out that I thought looked good. I brought it home, and Lydia and Leila wanted some - they were thirsty after all the hamster hunting (see below). I cut it open, it smelled nice. Then it cracked open and it was... PINK. Not a nice juicy red, not even a dark pink... not even mauve... No... a light, puny, pale pink. The girls had a taste (I only cut the center out for them) and deemed it yucky. Well, if I wanted cucumber, I would have bought a cucumber and not carried a giant large round thing home!!!! This is not even good for a salad...

Hamster Trap

Lydia got a hamster a couple of weeks ago. It was a guilt hamster. Andy and I were talking about splitting up (in Hungarian, so she didn't understand, but she probably knew something was going on). She chose that day to whine (once again) about a hamster. So we all went to the petstore (against my better judgment, but I didn't voice it) and got a cage and a whole bunch of tubes and funky houses (a luxury condo, really) for this hamster. Then Lydia picked this adorable little critter, grey and white, a girl. A teddy bear hamster, which just means she is fluffier then a regular one. 10 dollars for the actual animal, over a hundred (!!!!) for the STUPID cage and tubes, food and treats, but I didn't want to argue with him. We got home and the two of them had a great time putting the cage together while I babysat the hamster (which wasn't a huge chore; the thing was sleeping in the box). Then I put the pine shavings and the bedding (hamster fluff) into the cage and put her into her new home. Then Lydia spent a long time trying to find a name and after consulting the baby names webpages on the internet, we named her Tessa.
Now, I always had hamsters growing up, so I didn't mind at all that we had a new pet (in addition to the two cats and the fish, which are really just the cats' tv). It was decided that the cage will be in my room (Lydia said she won't be able to sleep with the hamster up all night, and it had to be in a lockable room so we can close the door and keep the cats out (who, btw were very, VERY interested in the new smell and all the activity). So late evenings, after Lydia went to bed, I had a fun time watching the little critter move things around, stuff her pouch with food and move it here and there. Busy little things, hamsters. She was either running in her wheel, chewing on her cage or rearranging her living quarters, making a sleeping, food storage and lavatory space for herself. Of course, additional snack food had to be in the sleeping quarters - a girl after my own heart.
Tessa went through several names (each time Lydia talked to another friend of hers, the hamster would get renamed - we had Tinkerbell, Nibbles, Hamster-Pie, Cutie, Hammie).
Well, last night Andy came home late and he was trying to fall asleep... and all he heard was the hamster chewing on her cage (even through two closed doors!!!!). I couldn't hear a thing, I had earplugs in, plus I snore loudly enough to drown out any other noise ANYWHERE. So he came into my room (I didn't even stir), took the cage out and took it down to the basement (into his workshop, which is closed to wives, kids and most importantly, cats). He took the tubes off and left them upstairs and although he used the little round plug to close the opening where the tubes attached, it must not have been tight enough... He left me a note saying the RAT is down in the basement. I found the note in the morning when I got up and went downstairs to check, and sure enough, there was the cage... but NO HAMSTER!!!!! SHIT!!!!!!
Thankfully, our mornings are a fast blur, so Lydia didn't have time to check on Hammie Pie or whatever her name is right now, and went off to school without a glitch. I called Andy later in the morning to ask him where he thinks the hamster is (if he at least knew if it actually made it down to the basement, or if it fell out somewhere on route, in which case the hamster is SOL and the cats will find him... He said he was sure it made it to the workshop.
So this evening, the awful task of telling my little girl about the runaway hamster fell to me. I assured her the hamster was OK, we are just not quite sure where she is... She took it remarkably well, she called her best friend immediately, and the two of them did a quick search down there (with my strict supervision, seeing that it's a workshop with sharp tools, etc.). No hamster.
Now my friend Tracy from work had an excellent idea: to set up a plastic bucket (high, with smooth sides, not climbable), build steps leading up to the top (made more tempting by little morsels of food), and then put a whole bunch of hamster food on the bottom. Ideally, the hamster would follow the trail of yummies up to the bucket, then drop into the bucket and be trapped!!!!!
And now... we wait... the girls keep checking on the trap, so I'm thinking the hamster won't show her furry little face until it's night time and everyone is in bed and it's all quiet. I'm just HOPING there will be a hamster in the bucket by morning! But I know what the hamster's new name will be: Houdini (or, Houdinina, for a girl).

I Lost it

today. Lydia worked herself up into a TOTAL hysteria, because her friend couldn't come over... Usually, I can handle it pretty well, I can stay cool, firm but loving, but today, it was the straw that broke the camel's back... As she was writhing on the floor, making a HUGE scene, I yelled at her to STOP it RIGHT now, and then I started bawling... I ran to my room, threw myself on the bed and pretty much did exactly what she was doing... It's amazing how quickly her tears dried up!!!!!! Little brat!!!!! Once I've calmed down, I came out to the living room and sat on the couch with her and we hugged. I said, it's not her fault that I'm upset, I don't want her to feel responsible for my moods. But I also said that Mommy is going through some hard adjustments (new job, etc, I didn't mention the split yet to her), and that she could help a little bit by not throwing a hissy fit if something doesn't go her way.... She said she'll try but it's sooooo haaaaard when she has nobody to play with.... LOL... Ahh, to be 6... sorry, almost 7...
I got the application for the coop, I'm working on filling that out and I pretty much have all the papers I need to submit with the application. Baby steps...

song titles

I stole this idea from j girl. Thanks j girl, I needed something to take my mind off things tonight….

How it works is you name a band or artist, and then the answers to the questions have to be in the form of titles of their songs.

Artist/band: Pink

Are you male or female: Stupid Girl(s)
Describe Yourself: Misundaztood
How do some people feel about you: Can’t Take Me Home
How do you feel about yourself: Just Like a Pill
Describe where you want to be: Stop Falling
Describe what you want to be: Respect
Describe How you Live: Don’t Let Me Get Me (cuz I’m my own worst enemy)
Describe how you Love: Love is Such a Crazy Thing
Share a few words of wisdom: God is a DJ

well THAT was interesting!!!!

through unforeseen circumstances, I got to meet G.'s ex. We had a date with G., his daughter Grace and my girl and me at Angelos (nice Italian eatery/store) and then we wanted to go swimming... So, we get there, they are late, I thought, OK, no problem, we wait a little. Waited ten minutes (thankfully, brought some colouring book with me and crayons to pass the time - for me, of course LOL). Then finally, we got up to get some food, and in they walk. G, Grace and.... F*&&! It's Ann. I've seen pictures of her, so I knew immediately who she was... She shook hands with me, and said VERY nice to meet you, and I was very civilized and said, smiling, yes, very nice to meet you too, meanwhile, shooting dirty looks at G., like, what the HELL is going on???? He looked PISSED. So anyways, Ann and the girls sat down and G. and I stood in line for pasta, and he told me the whole story (which I won't go into, it's not mine to tell, but let me just say that she WAS being unreasonable, though she didn't know until they were almost there that they were gonna meet us). So she was kinda thrust into it too, which made me feel a bit better, that it wasn't planned that way... I mean, I knew I'll meet her eventually, but this was a bit sudden... So anyways, going back to the table, we were very civilized, chatting with big smiles (my jaw hurt!!!!), while the girls were having a great time, stuffing food into their faces, chatting, totally oblivious to the undercurrents going on at the table. On one side of the table, the girls, the other side, Ann and me, with G. in the middle. Cozy!!!!! So I thought, ok, we'll eat, she'll go home and we can go swimming... but NO, she thought a nice little swim would be great, so she came, too!!!! Isn't this nice!!!!! I considered not going, but Lydia was so excited over going swimming and playing with Grace, I just couldn't... So we met in front of the University and got in the pool area. In the change room, she came up to me and said she apologizes for the uncomfortable situation, I said, oh, no problem, I understand... what was I supposed to say???? But I did feel uncomfortable, like I'm the "other woman"... even though G. has moved out months before we ever met.... to top it off, she is slim and trim and petite, and very bubbly and happy, and here I am, big and clumsy, all belly and boobs.... So, we got into the pool, G. of course extracted himself from the situation and went lane swimming, and there we were, just girls... we chatted, about kids, and the pool, how nice the water was, yeah, it was all just peachy. She was actually very nice and I think she was relieved that I was nice to her, too. The girls played in the water, G. came over and played with them, then finally, Ann went over to swim and G. complained how uncomfortable this all was, but frankly, I could not find it in my heart to feel sorry for him.... He could have found a way to somehow either not bring her, or let me know... I do have a cell phone with me at all times.... Then we ushered the girls out of the water, cuz it was time to go home.... in the change room, she apologized again, I said, no, really, don't worry about it... and we said goodbye in the parking lot, I waved at G. from as far away as possible, the girls hugged, I said, very nice to meet you Ann... and drove home...
I feel a bit shaken. It's my insecurities, I know... I felt fat and ugly, thinking what she mihght think of me, and what might G. think, seeing us together (maybe comparing us). And when I saw them together, they looked... like a family.... like they belonged together... In my mind, I know that what broke up the marriage happened long before we met, but somehow, I felt that if I wasn't in the picture at all, maybe they'd get back together.... I'll have to tread carefully and somehow get it out of G. sigh...