The fat girl's guide...

to buying a swimsuit.
Sigh.. it's that time of year again. For normal people, it means beach, really skimpy clothing, bikinis, ice cream, barbecues, parties. For the fat girl, it means trying not to sweat enough to melt away into a puddle, trying to wear light enough clothing but not show too much, and for the beach, ahhh yes, the beach... wearing these "outfits" that can not really be called swimsuits. More like body armour disguised as swimsuits. You can get all kinds: suits that look like little skirts and tank tops, suits that look more like a dress, suits with enough "tummy" control to take your breath away, and best of all, suits with HUGE, funny-looking shaped cups cleverly hidden inside to supposedly hold your boobs in. NOT. Before you know it, your boobs are hanging UNDER the cups or peek out to the sides or if you - and the guys who happened to be around - are lucky, they threaten to spill out on top.
A few years ago, I tried to beat the system and defiantly wore my actual shorts and a tank top (one of those with the shelf bra inside) to the beach, but they take too long to dry and people look at you like you're trash for swimming in your clothes. I could only get away with it when Lydia was a baby and I just sat on the shore with her with the water gently lapping around us - that was ok. But now that she is a big girl and discovered how fun it is to jump the waves and go deeper in for a nice soak, I can't legitimately do that anymore.
So this year, I decided to get an actual swimsuit. I already have one with the little skirt and top, but it looks more like a tennis outfit than anything else, and I thought, surely, the selection has improved in the past couple of years...
My first trip was to Sears. OK. I understand, I'm a big girl. Size 18. But does that mean that I only want to wear black, navy or dark brown for a swimsuit? You look over to the "normal" size swimsuits: turquoise, yellow, red, pink, purple, green, whatever hue fo the rainbow you're looking for, you'll find it. On 15 racks. And then, there is the "Plus Size" section - one rack with the black, navy and brown ones. Yeeey. That makes you feel just peachy right off the bat! I picked up a couple of them and headed towards the change room. Fluorescent lighting, wonderful! Brings out all the puckers and rolls on your pale flesh. I made sure I wore heels to "elongate the body" and make the calves look sexier, if nothing else. First one, a navy number. Looks like a knock-off from old days past, when they had these "bath houses" and the instructions for a swimsuit started with: take 6 yards of navy blue gabardine. Yeah, covers everything allright. To the point of covering EVERYTHING. I'm not usually a vain person, but I know I have my good features, so I'd like to show more of what I like and less of... the belly. In this one, I just looked like a big navy blue brick. That's a definite NO. The other one, a black one with a black-and-white pattern crossover fabric on the front, and a supposedly "cute" fake tie on the sides, like it's a wraparound. The bottom fit nicely, tummy tucked in, but the cups... well, they just kinda flattened my boobs, squished them down and made them look like I was about fifty. NO. Clothes back on, next store. So it went for the couple of hours that I had, I even went to one of these fancy swimsuit stores that claim they had a suit for EVERY body. Apparently, not mine though. Again, shelves and racks full of normal size suits, and in the back, the "fat suits". On one rack. At least, there was some colour here, but what they made up in fashion, totally lacked in support in all the wrong places. I could already picture the boobies floating out of their confinement to freely swim in the lake, baring all. (actually, a nude beach sounds pretty good right about now). Plus, the suits started at $90 and went up from there, which was waaaaay over my budget. Still, if one of them was "the dream suit", one that fit well and looked acceptable, I even would have sacrificed that much for it.
On to Addition-Elle. Their "young" MXM line can be pretty cool, but sometimes, it's a bit over the top... so it was with the bathing suits: halter top, for heavens sake! What boobs will it hold up???? Maybe a 12-year-olds???? They were sliding UNDER the seam, making it look like I had four boobs instead of just two... And their conservative line was along the same lines as Sears - black, navy, brown. OK, admittedly, there WAS some beading on the brown one.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Penningtons on my lunch hour... I'll skip lunch, maybe the suits will look better... or, better yet: get a plain black tank and get a nice cover-up tunic and be done with it. I'll just pretend to be strolling on the beach and only take the cover-up off at the last minute before diving into the water.
I know, I know, I sound horribly vain, obsessing about the bathing suit thing... I mean, really, once you're on the beach, it's just the water, the sand, the sun, the kids, the splashing... but still... is it a sin to want to look nice while I'm playing ball with the girls?
Actually, my favourite beach is Pinery - no matter when we go, it's never overcrowded and it's just a beautiful stretch of sandy beach... I can't wait. Black swimsuit or no. Summer, here I come!