A stressful day

What a day! My husband came home last night, bad mood, as usual, so after greeting him and determining just how black the cloud is over his head, I retreated into my room and fell asleep (escape). Then this morning, he was still grouchy, said he had some errands to run, which was fine by me. I was looking through jobs on the internet, applied to a receptionist job. Then my mom called, she wanted me to take her shopping, and as I was getting ready, Andy came into the room and cornered me. We haven't had sex in ages. He is not even nice to me, and most of the time, just downright mean and cruel. And all of a sudden, there he was, all hands. I pushed him away, playfully at first, but he didn't get the hint. I became actually scared and revolted by the idea of having sex with him. I finally said, NO, loudly and pushed his hands away and he finally backed off, but not before getting in a dig about how totally asexual I am. And that was that, thank goodness. He went back to play his xbox. I went to pick my mom up, with my insides just shaking and I called Filo on my way there to see if I can come by for a hug (I really needed a steadying, reassuring hug), but he said, it's not a good time. Which seems to be the answer I'm getting from him most of the time anyways. Sigh. Why can't I just turn my back on him and forget him already? It's clear he doesn't want me that much, even though he keeps telling me he does. It's very hard to deal with the mixed messages, or maybe they are not mixed at all. Fuck, I just don't know. I'm frustrated and I really, really need to find a job and move out, I can't stand this anymore. I want to live by myself, just me and my daughter and no one else. I want to break away from all the men in my life, and yet somehow I seem unable to. To Andy, I cling because of financial security and allow him to treat me like shit for it. To Filo, I cling because, hell, I don't even know why, other than I really, really like his body and his mind, but in a way, he is cruel as well with his indifference and constant rejection, with just enough acceptance once in a while to keep me hooked. And to P., I cling for the friendship and closeness and kindness, even though his drinking binges, his insecurities and his slightly perverted tendencies have long convinced me that he is not the right guy for any long-term relationship. I feel burdened and I want to be free, but yet not willing to give up what I get out of each relationship. Well, with Andy, I've pretty much worked through it and decided that money is not worth it to be treated like this, so as soon as I have a job, I'm outta here. But the other two.... Just writing all this down is depressing me.
Anyways, my girl has a friend over and they are playing outside, I can hear them through the open window. They are playing on the deck, hanging off the side and screaming: "I'm at the edge of the world." LOL. ahhh. To be six! When your biggest problem is whether your friend can come over and play! I think I'm gonna go outside and play with them. Gotta get out of this funk.