Holy Crap it's HOT

Gosh, this is incredible! The heat is really getting to me, even though I have nothing to complain about: I have ac at work, in my car and at home, and also have two neighbours with pools, so I have some defenses, but it must be the barometric pressure (and probably my up-and-down emotions this past week), and my head is just constantly hurting.
Yesterday's Talk Exchange was interesting; really, really hot topic (Israel), lots of emotions and strong opinions, but I probably would have enjoyed it much more if G. hadn't come... He complained of a headache when I picked him up, so I gave him my Tylenol 3's and I think he took 3... Then he tried to kiss me and I realized he'd been drinking... SHIT! (We have a deal that we won't see each other when he's on a binge, because it's too painful/embarrassing/awful to watch a brilliant mind destroying himself). So on we went to the pub, where he ordered 3 beers, which he really, really didn't need. So towards the end, he slurred his words, he got louder and he didn't listen to anyone else but himself, and I thought I'd just die. I was mad at him, for not being honest, for being so obnoxious, for being a drunk...
J, the new gf showed up towards the end, and the two of us went for an ice cream (it's this FABULOUS place called the Marble Slab - you pick your ice cream flavour, the take a HUGE hunk of it - must be the equivalent of three scoops, and they slap it on this frozen slab and they add any topping you want and mix it in... and put it in a waffle cone!!!! GOSH. J. has been there before, she recommended the place and it was mind-boggling...) I had pistacchio ice cream with as much chocolate in it as they could cram in - choc. chips and oreo cookie pieces and hot fudge on top!!!! J. got chocolate ice cream with marshmallows. She and I talked about stuff along the way, talked about D., mostly, but not in a bad way, she just shared some anecdotes about her date with him and we laughed. And it was ok... and it was fun. I didn't feel jealous at all, which was a relief. We got back to the pub, and the guys were still there, just under the awning, talking, G. slurring words and being very self-important, as most drunks are, so I told him I'm going, if he wants a ride home he better come with me. He stayed behind, talking to poor unsuspecting Peter, while D, J and I walked to my car. D. kissed and hugged me and finally G. was coming as well so we said goodbye to them. I took G. home and I tried to have a talk with him, about the drinking and other things, but it was no use, really... I don't know how much he remembers the day after, or if any of it was even getting through. It makes me sad when he drinks... What a waste of a beautiful mind! I really thought I could handle his drinking, but I don't think I can... As I wrote to my friend Hedy today, I have three part-time guys in my life and they don't make one whole man. OK, I know, it's my fault for not being able to just dump them all and start fresh... I'm weak and I hate myself for it.

Police Stake-out

So last night, around 10:30, I was leaving my friend's house and he walked me out. I looked to my right and there was a guy, lurking behind a tree, with what looked to me like a camera... I'm like, hey, what the heck is that guy doing there? Then, another guy in dark clothing and a FREAKIN' machine gun in his hand motioned for us to go over to him... I was stunned, but we walked over, since clearly, he was a police officer. I was a bit nervous because we were.. ahem... smoking something not quite legal, so I thought, OK, are we getting busted???? The cop (a young blond, really tough looking guy) asked as where we are from, my friend said the house number. He asked what we are doing, and thankfully, D. had enough presence of mind to answer his questions calmly. He said he was just walking me out to my car. The cop shook his head no and told us there was a report of a person with a gun next door, and to stay off the street and not go back into his house or to my car until we are told it's safe... Then he asked D. a whole bunch of questions about the fence between his house and the neighbours. Then we went over and sat down on the lawn a couple of houses down and watched... it was like the movies. Cops in dark clothes, with bulletproof vests and assault rifles sneaking back and forth, giving hand signals and radio messages to each other, the guy behind the tree kneeling into shooting position several times. We heard shouting and sounds of running, dog barking in the back behind the other house. YIKES! Now, having grown up in a military-centered state, I have a deep-seated, not entirely rational (since I've never been arrested back home, thank goodness) mistrust of the police so I was quite freaked out... I called my sitter on my cell and told her I'll be late and then hugged D. as we sat on the lawn. Finally, about 10 min. later, we walked down towards the other end of the street, and D. asked if we can go back to his house now and the cop said, yup, they are making the arrest right now, so it's safe. As we were walking back, we saw someone being pushed into the back seat of a cop car. I told D. it's always an adventure to see him and we said our goodbyes, but it was certainly not quite the ending to our date I was expecting... I was pretty much wide awake, even though before we left his house, I was ready to fall asleep... so it was after 1 that I finally drifted off.

Happy Baby

We talked. Had a great discussion about what's going on and about the new girl... and... we're back on. So is the new girl, and she is cool with it. In fact, she wants to be friends. And he is cool with it, and I'm so happy I could fly. I'm keeping my lover and gaining a friend. Perfect.
I have this big grin on my face and I can't sleep... I'll pay for that later at work. But I couldn't care less at the moment.

A new day, a new dawn

I'm tired but calm. My head hurts. I feel like I'm hung over from emotions. I cried all my tears out, I raged, I wept, I listened to the most heartwrenching songs (unbreak my heart, addicted, behind these hazel eyes, heading west), I went through torrents of emotions, gazed at his picture and cried, I read all my blog entries about my love, re-living the good times and the bad, and I feel this morning I'm done. I still feel a bit of bitterness over how I found out, but maybe that's a blessing in disguise as well - at least I didn't cry in front of him. Getting dumped by the same guy twice would have been a new one for me. So there... I'm done. big breath in... Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm.
My friend Dianne recommended NLP - Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a friend of hers does it and it's supposed to help free up deep, buried emotions that still affect your life... it's kindof a meditation/hypnosis sort of thing, so maybe I'll try it and see why it is that I seem to fall hard for the guys who are unavailable to me.

Gross!

Vodka tastes AWFUL!!!! I had this bottle for about 4 years now in the basement (which shows how much I drink... lol), and I opened it for this occasion (self-pity party). I put some lemonade in it (you know, Mike's hard lemonade, or something like that). Well, YUCK!!!!! it's disgusting... It's.. bitter or too strong or something... My grandma used to be able to chug it down by the drinking glass, but I guess I'm not a true Russian... sigh... so much for drowning my sorrows in alcohol... I'll just go to bed, sober...

All a matter of perspective

I talked to a co-worker today, she had surgery (female stuff) and in a couple of months she is going for a mastectomy... And I read J-Girl's post about the loss in her family... and I realized how childish and how self-indulgent my whining and self-pity was yesterday... I'm not beating myself up about it, I felt crappy (still do), but really, how much does this matter in the big picture? Most people who know me had no idea that we were kinda/sorta an item, so I don't have the humiliation of people pitying me or comparing me to the new girlfriend. And, I knew it's not going to be forever, so it's probably better that it ends now than if it ends years from now and hurts even more. And, I'm still alive, he is still alive, and we both can get on with it. Yes, I guess today I'm in a rationalizing/getting over kindof a mood, though knowing myself, it's a slippery slope and I might sink back into the self-pity stuff once again.
Yesterday I had 3 kids again at my place and Lydia got very hyper and excited playing, so at one point, it was just too much. I went outside to the backyard, laid down on the soft grass and looked up at the sky. Blue sky, fluffy, everchanging, lazy soft clouds = instant calm. It was great. I was only lying there for about 10 minutes, but it felt like I had a good sleep or something... I saw shapes in the clouds, then they morphed into some different shapes and there was nothing around me except me and the sky.
I think this will be my new "meditation". When in stress, look up at the sky, day or night.

The end of an affair

It's over. My short but intense affair with my hot young secret lover is over. I'm feeling really down today, even though I always knew that this relationship wasn't healthy for me, did nothing for my self-esteem, made me feel yearning and pathetic and powerless, except those few blissful moments when we were together. I'm not good with losses. I'm afraid to let go of people and things. Even now, I yearn to be in his arms and be hugged and comforted but I know it can not be. We both knew we had to move on, and he did.
I don't want to hear "it's better this way", or "told you so", or "get over it"... I just want a hug. And a good long cry. Plus, I'm PMS-ing and have 5 zits on my face the last I counted. F@$%!

Sparrow Lake

Lydia and I spent four days up at G.'s family cottage. It was awesome. We got there on Sunday afternoon (it was almost noon by the time we finally left London, after picking up last-minute things at the drug store, etc.). G. decided to take the long, scenic way, which was much nicer than the relentless traffic on the 401. So the girls (Lydia and G's daughter Grace) settled in in the back seat, with snacks, drinks, books, colouring, stuffed toys, little plastic toys and G.'s laptop to watch a movie on. Still, by the end of the trip, both of them were restless and ready to get out of the car. G.'s mom was there (she lives at the cottage from late spring to fall), so I was a bit apprehensive. She greeted me coolly (G. told me earlier that she does not approve of him seeing anyone yet, the divorce not being final). I gave her one of my cards (a cute little summery card with flip-flops on it), thanking her for inviting us up, and a nice set with Lavender shower gel and body lotion, so that helped thaw her a bit. She is a dear lady, actually, 83 yrs old, tiny, energetic and very sharp. She reads the news and books and keeps up on world events and goes out for lunch with her friends. By the end of the four days, she warmed up to me and we hugged when I left... The cottage is on the Deep Bay of Sparrow Lake. I've never been to the Muskoka region before this, so I really, really enjoyed all the sights (the scenery, the lake, the trees, the beautiful layered rocks) and sounds (first time I heard a loon call in person, I only seen/heard them before on tv). During the day, we spend a LOT of time in the water (G. built a huge waterslide on a raft for the kids to jump and slide into the water). Lydia was very cautious at first, but on the second day, she was jumping off the raft like a pro and even tried the slide!!!! Heck, it was scary for me, and she just decided she's gonna do it and she did. She was sooo cute and sooo proud that she did it. Both girls got a nice tan, despite all my efforts to slop sunscreen on them. The second night, G. and I were sitting on the dock, listening to the water gently lapping, the birds, nature... and then, the skies were getting darker and darker, the wind stronger and stronger, and all of a sudden, there was forked lightning tearing through the gray sky, and we experienced a Muskoka storm. It was gorgeous, and it came upon us so quickly that by the time we felt the rain is picking up and ran for the cottage, within seconds, the clouds exploded and we got soaked and fell into the cottage, giggling like two naughty kids. The next morning, it was all done - the lake was crystal clear and so calm, the sky was blue and the sun came up with the promise of a perfect day. We took the girls to the Muskoka Wildlife sanctuary, a place where injured wild animals, or those who can not be released into the wild live. We were introduced to an opossum named Indiana, a lady in the states found a few baby possums and thought they would make great pets. But she didn't feed them the right foods (fed them with canned cat food), and some of them died, and Indiana was sent to the reserve, where they discovered she has some bone damage because of the poor diet. Indiana was sooo cute, ugly, but cute, hanging on to the girl's ranger shirt with all four paws and tail. We saw two wolverines (one rescued from a petting zoo, another found as an abandoned baby and raised by humans), a black bear, a cougar, a lynx, a bobcat, three wolves, a moose (did you know that a moose can run faster than a horse and can swim and dive down up to 6 meters under water?????) three bald eagles (all with sad tales of injured or amputated wing, blind eye, injured foot, so clearly they would not be able to survive in the wild). The beavers didn't come out, even though we spent a great deal of time peering down into the area where their dam was blocking up a pretty little stream. The girls enjoyed learning about all the animals and of course had to pick up two plush animals, Grace chose a lynx and Lydia "adopted" a wolf. In the evenings, we went on a Gator ride (a small all-terrain vehicle), all through the woods, looking for pretty rocks and plants, armed with bugspray and flyzappers. I'm obsessed with ferns. I think I have to say that fern is my favourite plant. I collected about five different kinds of fern leaves and pressed them into my book, and I'm sure there were more, but the deerflies were upon us and we had to go. I found rocks layered in black and white, or pink with sparkly quartz, sharp-edged newly blasted ones and round ones that have been tumbled by ice glaciers some long long time ago. We had a bonfire one night, with smores and G. playing his guitar. Then, after watching a movie with the girls and tucking them into bed, we would go and sit out on the dock, talking and taking in the amazing starry sky. When I first went out in the darkness and looked up, it took my breath away... you don't realize in the city how the lights affect your ability to see them, but there, there was hardly any interference and you could clearly see the Dippers, Orion's belt, Mars, and the last night I was there, we were lucky enough to see some shooting stars! G. and I were great together, so calm and quiet and peaceful, and he was very attentive and romantic. All in all, I wished we could have stayed longer, and obviously, Lydia did too, because she threw a huge tantrum before we left... So G. and Grace ended up escorting us out of the cottage area and coming into Orillia with their car and having lunch with us before we said our final goodbyes.

Temporary outage

I'll be at a friend's cottage starting today in Muskoka, coming back on Thursday, so I probably won't have access to the internet and blogging there. Have a great week everybody, talk/blog to you when I get back. Hugs, flames.

Who let the dog out?

this week, the boss and his wife were back at the office, after being away on vacation last week. As usual, E. (the wife) brought Holly, their beautiful Sheltie with her to work. Holly was born last Christmas (hence the name), and she is adorable and she knows it. (for those who don't know what a Sheltie looks like - I didn't either before getting to know Holly - it's like the dog from Lassie but smaller.) All day, she hangs out in E.'s office, laying down in different positions all over the floor, and from time to time someone goes by and announces to the people in cubicles what Holly is doing: like "Dead dog" - passed out on the floor; "upside down dog" - belly up in the air, paws against E.'s desk; "Cute dog" - pretty much any position she is in, especially when she sits there with head slightly tilted to the side... awwww. She usually waits until E. is on the phone with a client and then she starts chewing one of her squeaky toys for sound effects. The only active times in her office day are when she arrives and everyone makes a fuss over her (all you can hear is enthusiastic panting from Holly, and a constant "down" "down" command from E, who is trying to train her not to jump on people); when she goes out to pee with M, the boss; and when for some miraculous reason (she is not allowed to jump on the baby gate separating her from the rest of the office) the gate "accidentally" falls and she gets out. On Thursday this happened twice and Holly was in a playful mood. Everybody got involved in hunting her down, property managers running down the halls and accounting clerks chasing her between cubicles. Holly had a BLAST! Once in a while she looked back at us and she had a big grin on her face. Finally, M. caught her at the other end of the office and carried her back, and she was still grinning and panting happily. Yesterday I was heading to the printer when she arrived so I was in the entrance area. Holly likes me, so she headed straight to me. After greeting me with constant tail-wagging, she threw herself down, belly up, for me to rub her belly. E. immediately commented: Holly, really, how dignified of you, demanding to be rubbed, showing your private parts; and then to my surprise, added: just like your mom in her early days! (now for this to be really funny, envision E.: she is a lady, through and through, even on "casual" days you'd never catch her wearing anything scruffy, she is always put together nicely, fashionable yet conservative, lipstick and nails done.) It was a fun start to a busy day.

In a funk

it started out with one bit of bad news (not so bad, just not great...) G. said we are not leaving to the cottage on Saturday, have to wait til Sunday. OK. Then A. said I can't take the new car, and he is right, it makes sense to rack up the km's in the old one, and get stonechips and whatever can happen on a long road. sigh. Then yesterday I went to this meeting I go to, and my lover was there and he was very distant and rejecting, and then he asked me if I was OK... Yeah, I'm fine... except you are killing me, is what I wanted to say, instead, I said I had a headache, which was true but not the entire story. After the meeting, I went to G.'s apt and he asked what was wrong. I told him (he knows about lover, so it wasn't news to him, but I guess he didn't really realize the extent of my feelings (or insecurities) regarding him. He asked me a question that made me think hard: Why do you allow him to have such power over you? Why indeed. I don't know. Somehow he has the ability to completely unbalance me, make me keep yearning for something I'll never have. I don't even think (at least I really, really hope) he is doing it on purpose, he is just being himself and I'm just being yanked around by his moods (or his perceived moods, or my moods associated with him... fuck, it's too confusing... my therapist said a long time ago that he is not good for me, not because of who he is, but because of how I feel about him... but I thought, oh no, he can't possibly know how I feel. Because when I'm finally with him, in private, even when we are not having sex, not even touching, just doing something as mundane as watching a show on the couch, or talking, I just feel... like I'm soaring. My heart sings, I'm giddy and happy and so relieved to be finally with him. And when he touches me... sigh... I fall apart, but in a good way... and go home happy, drunk with his love, and I'm happy until the next time I see him, when, inevitably, he is distant and rejecting, or just... not interested. The best way to desribe it is, when he does want to spend time with me, it's like a bright light shining on me and when he is done with me, I fade into the background with all the other people in his life, because by then, it's someone else's turn to be in the spotlight (not even necessarily a woman, just any friend). I talked to him about this (or, I attempted to talk to him, though he is clearly not comfortable talking about his feelings, or mine for that matter). I asked him if I should just forget we ever were close, and he said, believe me, if I wanted you out of my life I would tell you. He assured me he has feelings for me, considers me a close friend with benefits (and, a lover with benefits), and those are the only words I go by when I lose hope - that at least he didn't tell me to f... off. I'm pathetic, truly...
And there is G. He is so understanding and kind and loving... yet my heart doesn't sing when I'm with him. I love him, and I love talking to him, love being with him, and I feel so comfortable and sheltered in his arms, cuddled up against his tall frame. And I'm not afraid of telling him the truth, and disagreeing, and ribbing him about stuff and laughing. I can be who I am with him (and even braver than usual) and it feels great.
Do I want too much? Am I looking for someone who doesn't exist???? A guy who makes my heart sing AMD knocks my socks off AND yet feels comfortable to the point where I can tease him and even disagree and argue, knowing that I'm safe in his love?
Someone told me once that marriage (or a relationship) is like a raisin loaf. You have to take the whole thing, not just pick out the raisins, because then, you pick it apart and there will be nothing left. Do I want too many raisins?

Is it me?

I don't know if anyone else ever feels this way, but a lot of times, when something happens (I'm talking about interpersonal relationships of all kinds), I immediately assume that I said/did something that made the other person upset with me and that's why there is limited or no contact. For example, these last few days, I was trying to contact a friend of mine and she didn't call me back. In my head, I knew that she is busy, tired, or whatever, but in the back of my brain this annoying little nagging voice piped up: YOU must have said something to offend her. You probably shouldn't have said (whatever it is that I said last time we met that was slightly maybe could be construed as offensive by someone who is completely hyper-sensitive, which none of my friends are). The voice is completely irrational and sometimes just plain stupid, but if I let it (and before therapy, I used to let it), it takes over the entire head and I obsess about it for days... This time, I tried to stomp the stupid little nag down, and it mostly did stay down, and then this morning, we exchanged emails with my friend, and as usual, it had NOTHING, absolutely nothing to do with anything I said or did, she was really just tired and busy and slightly depressed and didn't feel like talking to people. Totally understandable, and the normal, rational part of me knew that... I can't believe how much hard work it's taking to stomp that little nag down though... hopefully it will get easier with practice. I even visualized this whiny, nagging little thing popping up and me bonking it on the head to make it disappear. LOL.

Getting older

yup, I'm 38 years old today. I'm not too wigged out about it, my gloomyness has nothing to do with my age or this particular day. I just don't like myself very much these days, and I only have myself to blame. So, a few Birthday resolutions (since I don't do New Year ones):
1. By this time next year, I will be living apart from my husband. I know, I said this before, and then I backtracked, but a few things happened this weekend that made me realize I've been deluding myself thinking we could live in the same house still.
2. As of today, I will start eating healthier. My pants are getting tight again and I don't feel good when I look at myself in the mirror. So, I will weigh myself today (for the shock value - LOL) and work on reducing the number on the scale.
3. I will be a more consistent mother. I've been too soft on Lydia (sometimes because of plain laziness and depression, sometimes because of guilt, sometimes just because I didn't want to upset her, but kids need rules, consistent ones, and she definitely needs more sleep. So, earlier bedtime and no more caving in to whining).
4. I will love myself more in this coming year. Not do stuff that makes me feel rotten and guilty. Not run after a cart that won't pick me up. Do less stuff that I "have to", or to please people who can not be pleased, and more stuff I want to, or need for my sanity.

Well, I think this is good. I feel better already.
Happy Birthday to me.

Sunfest

I LOVE the Sunfest! I go every year!!!! And it's here, this weekend. Mom have been nagging me to bring Lydia over to have dinner at their house this week, but I really, really had no desire to sit and talk with Michael about the Bible. So I came up with the brilliant idea to take her, Lydia and Leila (of course) to the Sunfest this evening. Oh, it was great! We browsed all the little shops, had thai food at a little stand (really nice fresh spring rolls, yum), the girls had ice cream and hot dogs (in that order). Listened to the exotic music, touched all the clothes, baskets, statues, drummed on all the little drums, shook all the bamboo sticks and the dried gourds filled with seeds, signed petitions to release unfairly imprisoned writers (Amnesty International had a booth there with all the stories of these people). Drank lemonade, peered at all the funky jewellery, bought little treats for the girls (they wanted little embroidered coin purses and tiny wooden ladybugs with bobbing heads). Sat in a canvas hammock chair (we all agreed it was uncomfortable, but it was nice sitting down for a minute). Mom was not sure about the petitions, but when I explained that these people were persecuted because of what they believed in and wrote about, she signed a couple, too. AND, she COMPLEMENTED me on the PANTS I was wearing!!!! (She usually sighs and makes a comment about how much better a woman looks in a skirt, because that's what Michael would say, but a couple of hours away from his influence and my real mom was shining through!!!!). I said thank you and that she looked very nice, too. She also asked how I was doing and how Andy is behaving, and now that I think of it, she never asked me once if I was praying!!!!! Yeeeeey! It was a lovely evening.

marriages

Yes, I'm harping on this, again... another marriage on the rocks, though there is still hope for them, at least they are communicating...
I have these four Hungarian friends. We are each others' confidants, support network, cheering team, therapists, everything. We exchange emails every day, and chat on msn when we can (timing - the 6-hour time difference sucks- ,kids, work, schedules, families, etc. permitting).
Two of these girls I've never met, they were my friend Hedy's friends at university.
First gir, let's call her Ursa. Married to a guy who studies the sun for a living at the Meteorology Institute in Hungary. They have a six-year-old daughter. Ursa is a nature scientist/artist/creative person. She worked at the Budapest Zoo, worked at the Conservation Authority to protect rare wildlife and plantlife in Hungary. Now she started a radio with a bunch of people. She is amazing. Her husband is an animal. Very funny guy on email, but he swears (every second word is fuck or some such thing), burps, farts, whatever, and also (as most Central- and Eastern European men) very pessimistic in his outlook. Ursa did love him, once. She doesn't anymore. They just "exist" in the same house, and Ursa, well, she did have a few intimate friends to make it a bit easier. We were teasing her lots because she has just experienced her first orgasm a few months ago, with the help of a new friend's deft fingers. She is 35 ys old. (what I wanted to know is, what kind of men did she sleep with before if she'd never had one with any of them????). So, the marriage of two creative, brilliant, scientific minds is NOT ideal.
The second girl: Joanna. She comes from a wealthy family and her husband (a handsome hunk of a guy) probably married her for money (not my opinion, others who actually know the couple told me). Their life is mostly shopping, taking vacations (sometimes with their two boys, sometimes as a couple), they get a new car every couple of years, she regularly changes the furniture and decor in her home. On the outside, they probably look like the golden family, they have it all, great jobs, money, house, kids, cars, everything. So why does Joanna's heart soar and knees get week when she sees this certain "friend", a doctor (also married)? They were only intimate once in the few years they've known each other, they are afraid that it could become very serious between them, yet they still meet, unable to let go of each other, and also unable to let go and just see where their passion would lead... And, btw. last year, Joanna caught her oh-so-handsome husband red-handed with an 18-year-old girl... He does nothing around the house and leaves all the decisions, the child-raising, the housework, everything to her.
The third, you've heard about her before, is Hedy. She lives in Guelph now, with her depressed husband. They've found out recently that they will not be able to have children, due to his very low sperm count. Their doctor recommended surgery to repair a broken blood vessel in one of his testicles, thinking it might improve things, but he decided he doesn't want to do that. She sees that as a deliberate sabotage of their chance to have a child, so that doesn't improve things one bit. He is also one of those immigrants who think he is too good for Canada, and constantly pines to go back to Europe. Hedy wants nothing to do with that, she loves it here, found a good job, found friends, and doesn't want to go somewhere and start over yet again. Since they only have sex every blue moon, (if that), Hedy is also seeing someone on the side.
And there is me, you know what my life is like if you've read my previous posts.
And then there is Silvie. Beautiful, strong Silvie who all through our belly-aching and torrid affairs and husband-bashing, maintained that her boyfriend wonderful, caring and faithful, their relationship is equal, supportive and amazing, and to top it all off, they just had a gorgeous baby girl! But while she was pregnant, Silvie's mom was diagnosed with cancer, and it seemed to have spread through her body very quickly, and the doctors pretty much have given up on her. Now she has a newborn and her dying mother to take care of, a grieving and angry father to support emotionally, her own feelings and post-natal hormones to deal with and her boyfriend just dropped the ultimatum: He is tired of "always giving and giving and never receiving" and if Silvie doesn't move back home right away, (she's been living with her parents since the baby was born to be close to the mother she doesn't have much time left with), he will start sleeping with the charming divorcee next door.
Silvie sent out a "HELP!!!" email to ask our opinions and we all immediately sent her our support and love and advice, encouraging her and telling her that it's a good thing that he actually came to her to tell her this, and not just started sleeping with the woman without any discussion. She's decided to move home immediately, but feels torn and guilty for not being able to be there for her mom. But, I ask you, why can he not see the situation she is in? Why is he making her choose NOW, when he knows (it's pretty obvious at this point) that her mom will not last long? Why is it always up to the woman to make the hard decisions and sacrifice?????
I don't know..... yet again, my belief (that little that was left) in the institution of marriage is shaken. Is it just because I don't happen to have a lot of good examples around me? Or is it that there IS no such thing as happily ever after? Or at least, foor richer for poorer, in sickness and in health? I know you can't possibly be happy all the time, but at least supporting and kind to each other, or if nothing else, at least not hurting the other?

Crickets

Well, G. and his daughter went up to the cottage for a week, they'll meet G.'s son (from a prev. marriage, he is 22) and G.'s mom. So G. gave me keys to go to his apt. and feed the fish and the lizards. The fish are a no-brainer, we have a fishtank, too, sprinkle some flaky fish food into the tank and they are all set. Not so the lizards. G. promised he'll feed them before he leaves, so I only have to feed them once, but forgot that it was Canada day on Sat, and all the stores were closed. So today, on my lunch hour (I debated whether to have my lunch first and then go, or leave the lunch for after the ordeal, but I was hungry and I figured I'll have no stomach for my sandwich later... I was right). So, I went to Pet Paradise, the place for the pinhead (XS size) crickets. I was of course, immediately distracted by puppies, kittens, guinea pigs, bunnies, and all kinds of CUTE and FURRY animals. There was an orange kitten that TOTALLY wanted to come home with me, and a black Scottish fold kitten (they are the ones that have ears like a dog's, the tip hangs over the ear, it's adorable) wanted to come as well, but I resisted the urge. Instead I went over to the reptile and other disgusting pets section (NOT furry, well, except the tarantulas, but DEFINITELY NOT cute), and asked the girl there to get me 50 (!) crickets. She was very brave, she scooped them out with her hands!!!!! EWWWWW. Wouldn't want THAT job... She put them into a bag, with a piece of an egg carton thrown in, which they immediately used to hide in. I paid $4 for them, too much for such disgusting things if you ask me.... LOL. So I went over to G's apartment, opened all the windows to air it out a bit while I was there. Fed the fish, that was the easy part. Then, carefully, VERY CAREFULLY opened the top of the terrarium, cut open the top of the bag and quickly dumped the crickets in. Thankfully, they slid out of the bag, egg carton and all. That's when I realized I should have dusted them with the mineral supplement for the anoles (the type of lizards G. has), but I definitely wasn't gonna take them back out, even if I could... So the anoles will have to make do with "unspiced" prey this time. Lizzie and Matt (Grace named the lizards, of course) immediately went for the feast, happily crunching away on the crickets, who were desperately trying to find their bearings and hide under the mulch and rocks in the terrarium. They weren't fast enough, Lizzie and Matt both had a good lunch, but I didn't stay around to watch the entire thing. After I made sure they are eating, I left them to their gory feast. I did make Grace's bed and tidied up her room, she had laundry all over her bed and her books and toys scattered. Next time I have to feed the things, on Friday, I'll make G.'s bed too. And MAYBE fold his socks.... LOL. I miss him. We talk almost every night on the phone, about our day and all kinds of stuff. I love the man's mind, what can I say? I have a weakness for intelligent men. I will even buy crickets for them! LOL

bits and bites

about this weekend.
Andy was home and on Friday he was on the war path. He really can't handle Lydia at all. Her whining puts him over the edge very quickly and he responds with a sudden outburst that terrifies her. She made a scene at Tiger Jacks (we took her and Leila out for Lydia's bday, and that's her favourite restaurant). They were both whining about how long it's taking to get the food, even though they got Shirley Temples to sip on and crayons and colouring pages to do. Then the food arrived, and about five minutes later, Lydia started screaming that her lip hurts (she had a fever and her lip was dry and the ketchup and the spicy fries irritated them). I forgot the lip balm at home. Andy tried to suggest to put ice cube on it, or sip the cold water, I gently wiped it with the napkin and blew on it, but she still screamed, making a lot more noise then was warranted, frankly. She demanded that I go home for the lip balm, and I said, no, you need to wait until we are all finished eating, try sipping the cold water until then. She lost it. She whined and cried and carried on, until Andy threw his fork down and asked for the bill. We didn't finish eating, half the food was left, we stormed out, Andy angry, Lydia crying, Leila quiet as a mouse, I was scared so I made sure to keep up with Andy to keep an eye on him and Lydia. After we got home, I put the lip balm on her and she was fine. Half and hour later she wanted to eat, but I was mad at her for making such a scene, so I just gave her crackers. Andy went into my room and closed the door and was there for the rest of the night. After I took Leila home, Lydia was whining, but I put her to bed earlier and had a chat about making such a scene.
The next day (Saturday), we all went to the beach, pretended we were a family, it was actually pretty nice, we made a sandcastle and swam far out with Lydia in her floaty.
Sunday was the Talk Exchange, it was a good discussion, and everybody had lots to say about whether we are evolving ethically and morally as human beings. It's amazing how much evidence there is that we are, indeed getting better, but there is as much evidence to suggest, as someone said, that we are six meals away from anarchy. It's true - when it comes to basic survival, we are all creatures of instinct.
That same night, the family down the street had a "School is Out" party, so Lydia was there while I was at the Talk Exchange, and I went back there after - it was fun, about 8 kids and as many parents, bbq, salads, desserts, pinata for the kids, it was great. We all sat around and talked, the kids were playing under the sprinklers in the back yard. Still, she wasn't tired when we got home, so it took me a while to coax her into bed. How do kids get all this energy??? Cuz I want some.
Today again, I took them to the beach, Leila came too, and another mom from the street with her two girls. I'm beat, but it was a nice long weekend.

Big Smile

on my face, my earlier frustration gone, after a visit to the Stag Shop. I got three different kind of bullets that I can attach to the vibrator base I have. They are all a pretty blue with a gel-like plastic covering, one is a large, almost egg-shape one, one is a longish thin one that's similar to the ones I'd had before, and one is a tiny one (that's a really powerful little buzzer... mmmm). I tried the egg just after I got home and aaaahhhh, sooooo niiiiice! LOL. I'm all set for a bit.