In a funk

it started out with one bit of bad news (not so bad, just not great...) G. said we are not leaving to the cottage on Saturday, have to wait til Sunday. OK. Then A. said I can't take the new car, and he is right, it makes sense to rack up the km's in the old one, and get stonechips and whatever can happen on a long road. sigh. Then yesterday I went to this meeting I go to, and my lover was there and he was very distant and rejecting, and then he asked me if I was OK... Yeah, I'm fine... except you are killing me, is what I wanted to say, instead, I said I had a headache, which was true but not the entire story. After the meeting, I went to G.'s apt and he asked what was wrong. I told him (he knows about lover, so it wasn't news to him, but I guess he didn't really realize the extent of my feelings (or insecurities) regarding him. He asked me a question that made me think hard: Why do you allow him to have such power over you? Why indeed. I don't know. Somehow he has the ability to completely unbalance me, make me keep yearning for something I'll never have. I don't even think (at least I really, really hope) he is doing it on purpose, he is just being himself and I'm just being yanked around by his moods (or his perceived moods, or my moods associated with him... fuck, it's too confusing... my therapist said a long time ago that he is not good for me, not because of who he is, but because of how I feel about him... but I thought, oh no, he can't possibly know how I feel. Because when I'm finally with him, in private, even when we are not having sex, not even touching, just doing something as mundane as watching a show on the couch, or talking, I just feel... like I'm soaring. My heart sings, I'm giddy and happy and so relieved to be finally with him. And when he touches me... sigh... I fall apart, but in a good way... and go home happy, drunk with his love, and I'm happy until the next time I see him, when, inevitably, he is distant and rejecting, or just... not interested. The best way to desribe it is, when he does want to spend time with me, it's like a bright light shining on me and when he is done with me, I fade into the background with all the other people in his life, because by then, it's someone else's turn to be in the spotlight (not even necessarily a woman, just any friend). I talked to him about this (or, I attempted to talk to him, though he is clearly not comfortable talking about his feelings, or mine for that matter). I asked him if I should just forget we ever were close, and he said, believe me, if I wanted you out of my life I would tell you. He assured me he has feelings for me, considers me a close friend with benefits (and, a lover with benefits), and those are the only words I go by when I lose hope - that at least he didn't tell me to f... off. I'm pathetic, truly...
And there is G. He is so understanding and kind and loving... yet my heart doesn't sing when I'm with him. I love him, and I love talking to him, love being with him, and I feel so comfortable and sheltered in his arms, cuddled up against his tall frame. And I'm not afraid of telling him the truth, and disagreeing, and ribbing him about stuff and laughing. I can be who I am with him (and even braver than usual) and it feels great.
Do I want too much? Am I looking for someone who doesn't exist???? A guy who makes my heart sing AMD knocks my socks off AND yet feels comfortable to the point where I can tease him and even disagree and argue, knowing that I'm safe in his love?
Someone told me once that marriage (or a relationship) is like a raisin loaf. You have to take the whole thing, not just pick out the raisins, because then, you pick it apart and there will be nothing left. Do I want too many raisins?