Scared, tired, headachy
today I'm unsure about everything. About Derek, about me, about what I'm doing. I know moving out is the right thing to do, I'm just worried that all the changes that are happening might be too much. I'm having second and third and fourth thoughts once in a while and they are just so strong today... probably because my head hurts horribly and it's hard to think clearly when it feels like there is a sharp icepick in my brain. Yesterday I was at Derek's in the evening and it was wonderful. We did normal couple things like having supper together and going out to buy a shower curtain. And, - this is significant for me, because of the traditional connotations - we got a set of dishes together. A lovely sage green - for Derek, green is his favourite colour - with simple, rustic lines and smooth texture - for me, because form and touch is very important. If you know the "Denby" style dishes, it's kind of like that, especially the mugs. Of course, it's not Denby, it's Royal something or other from Zellers... LOL. Surprisingly, Derek actually likes shopping... We got Jamie his New Year present (NOT Christmas, we are not going to do Christmas): a Spider Man toy that sings the "Itsy-bitsy spider" and "Spiderman", with his hands moving and dancing, it's totally adorable. I think I will get him a set of Spiderman plates and cutlery too, for the new house, and get a set of girly ones (Barbie or Strawberry Shortcake) for Lydia. Then we went back to his place and made plans for moving day and I brushed his hair and we cuddled, it was perfect. I came home to tuck Lydia into bed and fell asleep content and happy. Then this morning I woke up with a nauseating headache, so sharp and cruel, my brain got all muddled. Yucky thoughts started creeping up and they weakened my body and paralyzed my emotions... I started imagining problems for the future, what if I do this and what if he does that, etc. I hate these pesky thoughts, like dirty rats coming out from shadowed corners when I'm most vulnerable. I'm worried about our love fading; about finances; about me not voicing my opinions and feelings and then end up getting trapped, like I was in my marriage. I'll talk to him about that when we're together... sometimes I need some prodding when I say "oh, it's nothing" or "I'm fine" to reveal the problem... But now that I'm aware of what that leads to, I will try harder to express my feelings, even when it could lead to confrontation.
posted by flameskb at 7:18 AM
3 Comments:
Flames--
Not knowing you or Derek, I'll refrain from stating unequivocally that there's nothing to your second (third, fourth) thoughts.
But I don't think there is.
It's natural, given your recent past, to be a bit scared at this. It's a huge change, and even a change that dramatically improves your life often looks daunting from this side.
One thing I can assure you is that the strength of your relationship at any time is easily gauged by communication and compromise. Both of you, ideally, should be able to show your feelings without fear of recrimination, and they should just come up naturally, without a big production being made of them.
(Which doesn't necessarily mean you should just say everything that comes to mind, far from it.)
How's Lydia taking this, incidentally?
That Spider-Man toy sounds really cool!
10:26 AM
thanks Ken, I'm feeling much better now. Still worried about finances and shit like that, but have more confidence now that we can talk about things and solve problems together. He is a great listener and he approaches problems with an analytical mind, which I really appreciate. I can be analytical as well once the first burst of emotion is gone, but while I'm dealing with that, I can't think clearly. I just spin and stew and obsess about it, and his reasonable approach usually calms me down. It's wonderful to have a relationship where I don't have to be afraid to express myself, but it will take some getting used to. I used to have to be sneaky and manipulative to get what I want and doing it upfront and honestly takes courage that I don't always have.
9:18 AM
Understandable!
I'm similar in that my first reaction to any stress is a simple impromptu wig-out. I think it still throws Eva a bit, even though she knows damn well it's coming. Once I've wigged sufficiently, I can deal with most anything thrown at me...with occasional brief lapses into wigginess as I adjust the burden.
Finances are always fun...like walking through a field full of loaded mines...if you're a scrimper and he's got holes in his pockets, or vice versa, life can be sheer hell. But if you guys are able to talk about stuff without fear, you've got *every* battle at least three quarters won.
*smile*
1:57 PM
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