the escapades of all my fragments

Little poopy face

2007-04-28T17:24:00.000-07:00

Derek's brother Andrew is a cat lover. Correction, cat fanatic. He used to breed Siamese cats and there was one point in his life when they lived with over 20 cats! But now, he lives in a small apt. and he only has 3, and even that proved to be a bit too much. So, he talked to us about it last time he was in town and said if we agree, he'd bring over the youngest, Young Sao (probably not the right spelling), an 8-month old kitten. I said yes, yes, yes pleeeeze. And Derek surprised me by agreeing! So, yesterday, Lydia and I came home to find Jamie literally bouncing in excitement. He shrieked, there is a baby cat, there is a baby cat, I didn't understand at first what he was saying, he was so excited. And then I saw the newcomer in my bedroom. Young Sao is GORGEOUS. Dark brown little face and ears, dark paws and tail, a delicious caramel colour on her body, startlingly light blue eyes, and light whiskers. When we first talked about her, Derek (since he is still pretending not to like cats) said, OK, what's shithead in Thai. Because Andrew used to live in Thailand (he taught English there), he knew, and he said, Naa Kee. Derek thought that was a fitting name for a kitten with a brown face... LOL. And, since it sounds fairly exotic, and nobody would know anyway, (OK, except you guys who read this blog) I thought it was a good name as well. So, Naa Kee it is, though it kinda morphed into Nokee. As for Daisy, she wants NOTHING to do with the weirdo newcomer, she is constantly growling and hissing like a maniac... Nokee keeps coming up and looking at her with innocent blue eyes, her pose submissive, she sooo wants to be friends, and all Daisy is doing is being mean... she even hissed at ME, the little bag! So tonight, Nokee is staying downstairs in the laundry room, with her own food and drink bowls and her litterbox, and Daisy can have the rest of the house to herself. I'm petting Nokee and then go and pet Daisy, to mingle their scents, and hopefully, in a couple of days everybody will settle down. I'm happy with the new baby, she is adorable, and she stole Derek's heart the moment she arrived (shhh, don't tell anyone). She jumped up into his lap while he was on the computer and she always rubs her cute little head into my palm as soon as I reach down, she is very friendly.

I'm losing it

2007-04-14T07:14:00.000-07:00

I've been working every Saturday for the past few weeks, I'm the only one who ever cleans up, washes dishes, etc. at home and I haven't been able to sleep in for weeks/months.
This morning I have thoughts of running away/becoming a nun/joining the circus/killing myself. That's all before 9 am.
I went to my doc and he gave me more pills, but it's not pills I need. Not therapy. I need the people in my life to step up and help me instead of heaping tremendous guilt/more work/bad moods/money problems on me. I'm tired. I want to sleep and never wake up.

You know I can't resist memes

2007-03-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

How tall are you barefoot? 5′5″.

Have you ever flown first-class? Yes! Totally by chance! I was coming back to Canada in 1996 after my Dad's funeral, and as I was staning at the back of the line with the other ordinary economy class travellers, a flight attendant (an older Spanish lady) tapped me on the shoulder and said: Come with me. She pulled me aside, asked if I was travelling alone, and upgraded me to First Class, for the 2 hour flight to Amsterdam. It was NICE! I ended up sitting beside an Archiology professor from Brazil, we sipped champagne and ate from real china plates and cutlery, not the little square plastic trays, and talked about his digs...

One of your favorite books when you were a child? Pippi Longstocking (in Hungarian translation, so I think I want to re-read it in English, maybe with Lydia.

A good restaurant in your city? The thai place I went to one time with Graham.

What is your favorite small appliance? The food processor. Grates, blends, whips, chops... perfect

One person that never fails to make you laugh? Derek.

First LP you ever bought? I can't remember.

Do you do push-ups? NO! and you can't make me!

What was one of your favorite games as a child? played house with my dolls a lot, made up stories and everything... it was then that my writing started developing. Some of the stories I've jotted down later as drafts for future novellas.

When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher.

Your favorite Soup of the Day? Italian wedding or potato bacon

Have you ever met someone famous? No

Date Of Birth? July 10, 1968.

From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news? Internet (MSN or CNN)

Current worry? That my daughter will hate me when she is a teenager.

Current hate? none

Favorite place to be? In Derek's arms (I know, waaay too cheesy, but it's true)

Least favorite place to be? Right now, work... It's too stressful with all the year end stuff.

Do you consider yourself well organized? I wish…

Do you believe in an afterlife? No, but sometimes I wish I could.

Where do you think you will be in 10 Yrs? In our own house, happy.

Do you burn or tan? I burn, then tan. (same as J-Girl)

Are you more optimistic or pessimistic about the future? Depends on the time of the month.

What did you fear was going to get you at night as a kid? Being flushed down the toilet (don't know why), or the house burning down, with me in it.

What’s in your pockets right now? Whew. Nothing right now. There was something naughty in it earlier but I took it out.

Last thing that made you laugh? Jamie, playing the fish game on the computer (Feeding Frenzy 2, TOTALLY ADDICTIVE!), and saying, all my lives are completely dead.

Worst injury you’ve ever had? Broken ankle when I was 12, and it almost resulted in my getting raped by the guy who found me.

How many TVs do you own? One.

Best compliment received? Any compliment is good. Derek told me yesterday I look good in black, and it was sincere, because he had fire in his eyes when he said it.

What leaves you speechless? Somebody being rude for no reason.

What is your favorite book? There are so many!

Last meal you cooked for the opposite sex? Every meal I cook is for the opposite sex (as well as my daughter, and sometimes Jamie - but for him, it's only noodles)

What were you doing at 12 midnight last night? Sleeping.

Character study

2007-02-17T06:49:00.000-08:00

Last night, I had four kids at my house, sleeping over - the usual gang, Jamie and Lydia, plus Lydias two friends, Emma and Robin. I got them a simple craft - one of those black papers where you can scrape off the black covering and there is a rainbow-coloured sheet underneath, so whatever you draw (or stencil) is rainbow on a black background. Now, Robin, the oldest, she is 8. She quietly immersed herself in this, carefully filling in all the nooks and crannies of the stencils and making sure the stencil stayed in the same place. Lydia, the ham, created about four pictures in the time it took Robin to do one, haphazardly slapping it together and then immediately running to her room and putting it up on her wall, wanting to see the end result and get praise and attention from me for it; after that, she returned to the craft table and bossed everyone around, making sure everybody have only their share of the black papers (knowing that whatever is left over will ultimately be hers - the little brat). Emma, 6, is a blissfully happy child, she didnt really care if the stencil was perfect, and didnt really care if I approve - she worked on it for exactly as long as she felt like it, leaving the picture somewhat unfinished and moving on to the next entertainment, unphased. Jamie, the little one, almost four, wanted my and Dereks involvement the whole time, explaining what he was doing and what he will be doing next, and after that and after THAT, trying to claim more than his share of the black sheets and stencils, but accepting the overrule of the rest of us. After supper and play, I took Jamie for a car ride, where he passed out after about two minutes. I brought him home and put him down on his bed and gazed at him for a while, he is SO adorable (when he sleeps - LOL). The girls then settled in for a movie on my bed and fell asleep around midnight, after much giggling and chatter. That was last night. This morning, though, war broke out, everybodys nerves are a bit frazzled because of the late night (including mine). After a total disaster of a pancake breakfast (note to self - next time you have four kids over for breakfast, cold cereal or toaster waffles would work better), whereas Jamie picked up an entire pancake, dripping with syrup, and walked around with it in the living room (until I caught up with him with a wet kitchen towel), the girls fought over juice and syrup, and Lydia, trying to be helpful, poured out juice on the kitchen floor. Then, while I took a blissful break, washing the dishes and trying not to listen to the squabbles through the running water and clattering plates. After I turned the water off, though, I could hear the arguments heating up, and Lydia was downright hostile and nasty to Jamie, so I had to interfere, basically separating them. Jamie played on the computer for a while, and the girls played puppies upstairs (Jamie didnt want to be a puppy, and they wouldnt let him be a duck - I have no idea why). Then, of course, Jamie felt left out, and just as the girls decided to play on the Xbox, he wanted to join them. Of course, that turned out to be an unpopular decision with the girls, as they are all lightyears ahead of Jamie in skill and maturity for that game. Again, mommy stepped in as a referee, thinking Ill never get a freakin shower, and is it noon yet, when I can drop the gang off to their prospective mothers!!!!!! But alas, its only ten, and I already intervened in three wars, cleaned up all kinds of mess, and almost cried when I looked at my bedroom (the girls slept in here, with all their animals and blankets and all their clothes on the floor). So, I decided to just blog and write it out of my system.... Its quiet upstairs right now, so maybe I can slip in the shower, unnoticed, for a quiet 5 minutes.

Tibetan Crystal Bowls

2007-02-12T10:27:00.000-08:00

We went to a concert on Saturday, in Hamilton. The guy's name is David Hickey, and my friend Hedi went to one of his concerts and raved about it so much that we had to go check it out. This time, the performance was in his own home (his parents' basement, where he lives with his girlfriend). The music was amazing. He knelt in the middle, surrounded by about 25 different sized bowls, and pinged them with a rubber hammer, or other instruments, and sometimes he would rub the side of the bowls to get a longer, stronger, vibrating sound... At one point, he rubbed three large bowls, pinging and rubbing them to get all of them up to their highest frequency, and the entire room was filled with this magical sound as the three different frequencies merged and battled for their own space... it was like a helicopter landing, with the vibrations, but with a much more pleasant sound...
Two other guys provided a background of singing, violin, and this large instrument that has a specific name... but I forget. D. knew what it was, Buddhist monks use it to get meditative sounds.
The music was really, really great. Some of the sounds were so amazing, you wouldn't have believed that they didn't come from a sophisticated synthesizer. Meanwhile, the guy's girlfriend, Eden, was painting, inspired by his music. She was basically dropping and smudging paint on a wet plastic sheet, creating really unusual - and very beautiful - abstract art. Now for the ridiculous parts: This guy is about 45, long hair and beard and alluring eyes (he is quite hot, actually, if you just go by the looks), but yes, you read it correctly, 45 and still living in mom and dad's basement. With the lovely Eden, who is a thin, pretty little thing of about 25. All the new age bullshit was pouring out of all of them, David, Eden, and most of the visitors as well, as they were clearing their chakras and smudging from the shell David carried around, and meditating to receive the magical "energy" from the music and sipping organic tea and munching on wholesome cookies. I could have done without that, but the music WAS incredible.

slowly starting back

2007-02-10T05:17:00.000-08:00

with a Kitty post. We only have one kitty now, Daisy. Daisy is a sleek, beautiful black cat with yellow eyes. And, since we ve moved, she decided that she is a dog. She was never a really affectionate cat, more the aloof type that cats are famous for. But since Prissy is gone from our household, Daisy has been much closer. She greets us at the door when we come home, she hangs out with us in whichever room we are in (scratches the bathroom door while I m sitting on the can until I let her in), and comes to me for long patting sessions, purring her head off. I kinda like the new Daisy, she is becoming a really good companion. She is quite used to D. now, in fact, she ll talk to him and hang out with him during the day. I m really happy about that, because I always thought I will never want to live with a guy who doesn t like cats.
If Daisy trusts him, he is OK. :-)))
BUT. Daisy has proven to be COMPLETELY useless as pest control. We have MICE! In the basement walls, mostly. Daisy will pretend to be interested, when they make a noise inside the wall, but she has yet to make teeth-rodent contact with anyone except our own hamster, Oreo, on one of her frequent bouts of cage-less freedom. She was very gentle with her, just gingerly picking her up, and then dropping her, startled, when she squealed. Yup, useless.
And lately, another mean side of her emerged, because Poor Homeless Kitty appeared on our back deck. Now, I know that feeding a homeless cat will inevitably lead to that cat no longer being homeless... but its been freezing cold outside and she looked so bedraggled and pathetic... She (or he) is a gray tabby, not particularly pretty, but, she is a cat, with no home, and I cant in good conscience let her die. So, Ive been taking scoops of Daisys food and putting it out in a red plastic bowl for the Poor Kitty. Poor Kitty came up and ate, hurriedly, not taking her eyes off the door, in case I decide to run out and capture or hurt her (awww). I tried to stay out of her field of vision, just kinda peeking at her through the patio door. Meanwhile, Daisy, not feeling the same way in the least about the visitor, did her own little stint. She hissed and growled through the glass, intimidating the heck out of Poor Kitty, who nonetheless knew that the mean hissing black beast is INSIDE, so she can continue devouring her food. After she was done and slinked off to wherever she lives in this freakin cold, I brought the bowl in to wash, and Daisy had to sniff EVERY inch of it, to get information about the visitor. This scene has repeated itself almost daily ever since. I tried to explain to Daisy about the importance of sharing and compassion, pointing out the GIANT bag of food that she has, along with a roof over her head, a choice of warm, comfy spots to sleep, and people to pet her, meanwhile, Poor Kitty has NOTHING, except the cupful of food we give her. Daisy doesnt care. She still defends her territory and continues to be menacingly mean.
Ill keep you posted on how this goes.
Hugs everyone!

back - sort of

2006-12-16T14:24:00.000-08:00

We still dont have the internet totally up, its giving me weird messages, and Im typing on Dereks keyboard which has no question marks and apostrophies for some reason... instead it types é or É every time I attempt those. weird.
We are getting settled in though, less and less boxes everywhere, though the majority of whats left is in my room - I hate the mess, but by the time I get to my room in the evening, Im so tired that I dont want to tackle any of it. So Im still living out of boxes and bags. My computer table is not together yet, either and Im absolutely dreading it, the compartments, the shelves... but until its put together I cant unpack half of the boxes in my room because its all computer shit.
As for our co-existence, we are getting along very well, but our kids dont. Jamie (Dereks 3 and a half year old, adorable little son) hero worships Lydia, copies everything she does, which of course she thinks is just awfully annoying. She bosses him around, which he tolerates for a while, but when he says no (to being a reindeer, or sitting in school where Lydia is the teacher, or whatever), then she gets immediately fed up with him and demands private time in her room, which makes Jamie feel rejected and frustrated, and then he acts up and becomes defiant. Sigh. Its hard, because we decided that he should sleep over at least once a week, on Friday nights.... well see how it goes next week.
Derek and I are great together though, we support each other and love each other and live very harmoniously. I dont feel like I have to be afraid to express my feelings, though my old (just keep the peace and not say anything) personality still creeps up sometimes... I have to work on that.

We've Moved!

2006-12-04T07:52:00.000-08:00

All done! What a weekend! So incredibly busy and stressful and funny and tiring.
Friday, my Mom and Michael came over to help me load his van, my car and finish up packing. The two guys from Silk Road movers came at 12:30 and loaded all the furniture and big boxes up to their truck - incredibly fast, they were so good! Two guys from Afghanistan, they were very careful with our stuff and very professional, and not expensive ($50 per hour). So, by around 3:30 on Friday, everything of ours was over at the new house, except the livestock (cat, rodent and fish). We went back in the old house to get them, and a few last bits that were left behind. Daisy complained the whole time over, she hates car rides. Prissy found a new home, my friends Les and Maggie (Hungarian couple who always have at least 3 cats, and they recently had to put one down due to illness, so they were "short" one). We moved her over on Wednesday and then on Thursday, they called and said Prissy ran away, because they've seen no hide nor hair of her at all. So we were all worried that she is outside in the cold, all alone, scared, meanwhile, she was hiding in their basement under some old equipment! They found her on Sunday, when she came out and ate a handful of food and ran up to use her litterbox. Then she let herself be petted by Maggie, so I think she'll be ok.
Meanwhile, Daisy, who usually won't give you the time of day, clung to me the whole weekend, sleeping with me and generally trying to be in the same room as I was (which was VERY helpful, to have a cat underfoot while trying to assemble furniture and organize things).
Anyways, after my Mom and Michael left, Derek and Peter moved in Derek's stuff into the basement and we started the enormous task of unpacking! I got the kitchen operational and got mattresses on the floor with sheets on them for the first night, as well as got the Xbox and the VCR set up for Lydia. We had no phone and no HEAT!!!!!! As we huddled together for warmth, I went to investigate the furnace room and found an additional switch I've never seen before, with settings of "Summer ---- Winter" and it was set to summer, so without hesitation, I switched it over the winter and the house slooooowly started to fill with warmth.... and stink.... the basement carpet is HIDEOUS!
anyways, to be continued... I have to go work now.

Tarot Card

2006-11-28T05:42:00.000-08:00

I liked this from J-Girl's blog, so I copied it.

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

CRAP

2006-11-27T05:29:00.000-08:00

My computer is *&^% up. Andy downloaded some porn from a "free porn" website (DUH) and along with that, a nice little Trojan, some annoying pop-up things with pussies and tits all over it all the time, and a "fake virus alert" thing that keeps demanding that I buy their Virus Burster product immediately. I ran everything I could think of, quaranteened, deleted, etc, but it's still there, so I have to take it in to the shop again. Andy (feeling guilty and rightly so) agreed to pay for it... But, I'm out of commission again at home, no email, no internet, no messenger, no Astro Pop. Plus, I got a confirmation email on Sunday that they received my CREDIT CARD ORDER for $2,444.00 at Circuit City!!!!!! WHAT THE &*&^^%&*&(*)?????? So I called Circuit City (half an hour on the phone in queue) ask them to cancel the order (she said there was no order but I told her I'm cancelling it, wherever it is), cancelled my credit card, changed passwords on my online banking, etc.... That's all I need on top of everything else, plus boxes and boxes of stuff that's already packed and stuff that needs to be packed still (though I'm getting there). Hedy came down from Guelph yesterday to help me pack and Graham was absolutely FANTASTIC! He took Lydia with him for the afternoon, because he had his daughter Grace for the weekend, and the two girls played at his house and he even fed us all lunch (really tasty quesadillas) and fed the girls dinner!!!!! He was amazing!!!! Have to make him a nice Thank You card when I'm done moving.
Anyway, better get back to work now!!!!
sigh.

Sexy talk and giggles

2006-11-23T10:02:00.000-08:00

My love was over last night. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, I was going to pack all night, but we started chatting and it got into the "hot" territory and before I knew it, he was typing: I'll be right over. LOL.
His neighbour gave him a ride to my house and when he got inside, we couldn't get our clothes off fast enough. It was so nice, and afterwards, in the afterglow of passion, he said, I tried to get into the cybersex, but I thought, no, I've GOT to see you... when you typed mmm, it was the sexiest thing I've ever read.
And he looked me over and when I tried to cover up my belly (really, the only thing on my body I strongly dislike), he touched it and said, I love your belly. When I murmured, I hate my belly, he caressed me and touched me all over and said: "These: LOVE them. And that down there: I'm a HUGE fan! In fact, I should ask her for an autograph." Well, that got into a fit of giggly conversation about how "she" would accomplish writing down her name and what exactly her name would be, but than we agreed that she might be illiterate, but she is good at other things. So it went for the rest of the night, it was great to laugh and touch and cuddle, all the while knowing that in a little over a week, we can do this anytime we want. Life is good when you love and you are loved.

Scared, tired, headachy

2006-11-19T07:18:00.000-08:00

today I'm unsure about everything. About Derek, about me, about what I'm doing. I know moving out is the right thing to do, I'm just worried that all the changes that are happening might be too much. I'm having second and third and fourth thoughts once in a while and they are just so strong today... probably because my head hurts horribly and it's hard to think clearly when it feels like there is a sharp icepick in my brain. Yesterday I was at Derek's in the evening and it was wonderful. We did normal couple things like having supper together and going out to buy a shower curtain. And, - this is significant for me, because of the traditional connotations - we got a set of dishes together. A lovely sage green - for Derek, green is his favourite colour - with simple, rustic lines and smooth texture - for me, because form and touch is very important. If you know the "Denby" style dishes, it's kind of like that, especially the mugs. Of course, it's not Denby, it's Royal something or other from Zellers... LOL. Surprisingly, Derek actually likes shopping... We got Jamie his New Year present (NOT Christmas, we are not going to do Christmas): a Spider Man toy that sings the "Itsy-bitsy spider" and "Spiderman", with his hands moving and dancing, it's totally adorable. I think I will get him a set of Spiderman plates and cutlery too, for the new house, and get a set of girly ones (Barbie or Strawberry Shortcake) for Lydia. Then we went back to his place and made plans for moving day and I brushed his hair and we cuddled, it was perfect. I came home to tuck Lydia into bed and fell asleep content and happy. Then this morning I woke up with a nauseating headache, so sharp and cruel, my brain got all muddled. Yucky thoughts started creeping up and they weakened my body and paralyzed my emotions... I started imagining problems for the future, what if I do this and what if he does that, etc. I hate these pesky thoughts, like dirty rats coming out from shadowed corners when I'm most vulnerable. I'm worried about our love fading; about finances; about me not voicing my opinions and feelings and then end up getting trapped, like I was in my marriage. I'll talk to him about that when we're together... sometimes I need some prodding when I say "oh, it's nothing" or "I'm fine" to reveal the problem... But now that I'm aware of what that leads to, I will try harder to express my feelings, even when it could lead to confrontation.

I know, I know

2006-11-11T08:05:00.000-08:00

I have been neglecting my blog, even though things are happening fast around me. But I do have an excuse - my computer was POOCHED last week (thankfully, no data lost, it was only the RAM that got shorted, not the MOTHERBOARD or something awful like that). Cost me $120, which is not so bad...
Whew, where do I start?
First of all, bras! Jen and I went to Toronto two weeks ago and had a BLAST! Went to this special bra store (OMG, there are bras for $155!!!!! for heaven's sake, but they are sooo beautiful, it's worth every penny! Which I didn't have, and Jen was an incredible friend and offered to put my bra on her card and I'll pay her back. Thanks Jen! So finally, after hemming and hawing, I agreed to get fitted for a bra, and I was in for a surprise! I generally bought 42D's, which didn't fit me particularly well, but did the job OK... Wellllll! Officially, I'm a 38 E! Holy Cow! Who woulda thunk it???? So now I have a black strechy lacy, beautiful bra in the right size, and OMG, my boobs are GORGEOUS! I can look at them in this bra in the mirror forever! Help! I'm obsessed! LOL.
We also went to William Sonoma's, which is a beautiful kitchen store. We went in and it smelled heavenly in there! With peppermint and spices and pumpkin and apple cider! Beautiful dishes, tablecloths, bundt moulds, gadgets!!! aaaaah.
That day was a great, relaxing, fun day. Then back to reality - Derek and I have spent a lot of time looking for a suitable house. So many requirements: it has to be close to Lydia's school, Derek's ex wife's place and Derek's Mom's place, since she is taking care of his son in the morning, then she brings him over to Derek's in the afternoon, and then Derek takes him home to his Mom after 6. So it all has to jive, and it has to be big enough for all of us (Derek, Lydia, Jamie and I, the cats and the hamster, and Lydia's fish, Nemo). We had a few setbacks - we saw this beautiful house in Wortley village, it was perfect - but the lady decided to give it to another family. Some of them were rented out by the time I called (same day as it was in the paper), some of them didn't even reply to my call, some of them were DUMPS, etc. etc. And then, we finally found the ONE. We filled out the application yesterday. The location is good (not the absolute best, but workable for everyone), the house is HUGE, the price is OK. There is a big finished basement which Derek claimed for himself :-), two bedrooms on the ground floor which will be my room and Lydia's, a cozy, bright living room, a cute kitchen (though the cabinets need some sprucing up, honestly), even some furniture (dining room table and ALL the appliances, except a dishwasher, which I will work very hard to get ASAP!!!!). AAAANDDDD, the best part, a beautiful loft upstairs that's perfect for a playroom for the kids, and Jamie's bed can be there for when he sleeps over. Two bathrooms (basement and main), two fridges (you ALWAYS need extra freezer space), and an amazing back yard with a huge deck, with bbq and patio set that comes with the house. Sooo... we are moving December 1st. We are both very excited and happy. Jamie and Lydia have seen the place and they like it too, they ran around in the back yard and explored the loft (the storage cabinets tucked under the corners of the roof are a big hit for hide-and-seek). Now the hard part: packing! I'll have to go to the grocery store and get some boxes, and do some heavy-duty sorting, what's coming, what's not needed, etc. etc.
Everybody at work is very supportive, my boss wrote me a letter of recommendation, which really impressed the owner of the house. My boss's wife also said to ask if I need any help or advice - they truly are a wonderful resource, they know a lot of people, they both had been through a divorce, with kids involved, and nobody knows properties, houses, rentals like they do, being owners of a property mgmt company.
Well, this is it for now, I'm taking my Mom out for lunch, it's her birthday this week.
Hugs everyone, and thanks for being patient with me.

the glow of love

2006-10-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

is still around me, all the time, whatever I do, wherever I am, but especially when I'm in my lover's arms. We have a lot of good discussions, today, about the longevity of relationships. I read an article in Chatelaine magazine, while waiting at the doctor's office (for more headache pills - sigh). It was about famous couples who actually stayed together for a long time. Ann Bancroft and her husband was one example (isn't it terrible, I can't remember the guy's name). It was fascinating to read that they knew IMMEDIATELY that they are right for each other... because the first time I met Derek, last fall, I KNEW. I know it sounds weird, creepy and downright superstitious (but hey, Halloween is approaching). Years ago, when I first dreamt about a man, a lover (it was when Lydia was just a baby and I came to the horrible, depressing and frightening realization that I don't love my husband anymore, after a fight when he made me cry for, like, the hundredth time). I had a vision of a young man (younger than me, but not much younger), with long, dark, curly hair, blue eyes, a voice that's deep and seductive, a man with intellect and sensitivity, an artist, living in a small apartment on the top floor of an old house, in a room with a slanted ceiling. I imagined running up to his apartment with fresh fruit and cheese from the market, and I would throw a fabulous lunch together and help him with his art, like pose for him or something equally sexy, and then we would make love on his old rickety bed, with his long hair hanging down and covering my face... I later put the dream in the back of my mind, thinking it one of those silly flights of fancy that women sometimes make up when dreaming of a romance, an escape. And, here I was, meeting this young man for the first time. I'd met others from AFF by then, with various success, and had a few adventures behind me, so it was strange that I was nervous on our first date. He came out of the pub, greeting me outside, telling me that the giant stuffed bear (under which we were supposed to meet) had been taken away, so he wanted to make sure I can find him. He was thinner than I imagined, slighter, but that and his nervousness made him more vulnerable, more endearing to me. He had long, dark, wavy, soft hair and a beard and startlingly light eyes that changed colour depending on the light - blue, green, grey. And when those eyes looked at me, my heart jumped into my throat. We had lunch and chatted and he looked at my breasts and I caught him and he apologized for staring. He talked about his writing, his family, his son and I talked about my reasons for seeing men outside my marriage. He suggested we go to his place, an old house by the river where he rented a room. We sat downstairs at first, talked some more and he hugged me, an almost childlike hug that was startling in its intensity and sincerity. Then he took my hand and led me up the squeaky old stairs to his room. It was a small, messy room, with a narrow bed and a large bookshelf. Later, when we laid down on the bed, I looked up, and saw the sunlight playing on the slanted ceiling. We kissed, his hair fell forward and I remembered my daydream, from long ago... the moment heated up then, and though we didn't have sex the first time, we were certainly quite excited about each other. The next time we met, I knew what's going to happen and I was so happy, giddy with anticipation and excitement. Our first time was nice. Not earth-shattering, not incredibly hot, it was more tender and romantic, and I was too nervous to completely relax and enjoy myself. It was so sweet and so beautiful, it was a shock when I saw him the next time and he broke up with me. It shouldn't have hurt too bad, really, we've only been together once and were only a "couple" for a week or so, but... it hurt. Very much. He told me he could not have a relationship with a married woman. We agreed that we want to stay friends and we held hands and he put his head in my lap and we dreamed about what could have been. And suddenly, I had to get out of there, I ran out to my car and by the time I turned the ignition I was crying. Sobbing, more like. He called me a few minutes later, he was worried that by me leaving so abruptly, I decided not to see him again, and somehow he just couldn't bear that. I said, no, of course not, we're still friends. So I came to the philosophy pub, and the Humanist meetings, out of interest, too, but also to see him. So that's how it started, this months-long dance that we did, circling around each other, looking at each other, briefly touching than parting again, neither of us willing to give up the other completely, neither of us ready to give in to our true feelings. We danced with others, flirted and laughed and touched, but we never really lost sight of the other. Until just a few weeks ago when finally the pretense and the game and the dance just fell away and it was just the two of us, with raw feelings we could no longer hide.

what a difference

2006-10-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

a few days can make!
I re-read my last post and it feels like it's not even me... I know that at the time it made sense, but now.. not anymore. It all started when I told Derek what I'm planning. I knew he won't be too happy but I figured he'll accept it. Not so much. He got very jealous and very hurt and very possessive. Most of the thought process happened when I wasn't there. I told him about it last Sunday night and on Monday, he called me at work, which he never did before. I went over to his place after work and we talked. and talked. and talked. and came to the conclusion that both of us are hurting at the thought of sharing each other with other people and that it's not worth the pain. And.. we committed to not sleeping with anyone else until further discussion on the subject. (Both of us are reluctant to say "ever" or "while we are together" because we both know things happen in a relationship, if not now, then years down the road, so both of us were comfortable with the idea that if we ever think otherwise, we'll talk about it again). It was a BIG step since we both felt that monogamy can be very damaging and old-fashioned and "ownership-based", etc. We shook hands on it. And, since then, I'm in cloud nine. And he is, too. We talked and talked endlessly about our feelings, about our relationship, about plans for the future and it's so good and it feels so right. We went away this weekend, to Ipperwash, rented a beautiful little cottage and hid away from the rest of the world. It was amazing. It was wonderful. It was profound.
We made love in front of the fireplace. Walked on the beach. Read books to each other. Wrote together. Talked about our lives and our future. Watched a movie. Held hands. Ate together. Danced to Celtic-type music (Ashley MacIsaac). Counted pigs in the bathroom (the lady who owns the cottage is obviously into pigs - we counted 50 in the bathroom!!!). Smoked pot and giggled together. It was an incredible weekend and we left reluctantly this afternoon.
Tomorrow, we are going to look for houses together. We decided we want to live with each other.

pursuing my fantasies

2006-10-11T05:28:00.000-07:00

Barb, not for your eyes, my friend!

Last Sunday, D. decided to call me up specifically to tell me that he is going to spend the evening with someone else... It wasn't a shocker, I knew he spends time with her once in a while, even though we've been seeing each other on almost a daily basis. But the phone call couldn't have come at a worse time. Just the night before, I was at his place til 4 am, and we laughed and went out for dinner and talked about everything, about how we enjoy being with each other. I flashed my boobs at him in the parking lot of Boston Pizza because he said he would like to put the ladybug stickers I had on my shirt on my nipples instead. We barely made it home, we were touching each other in the car and I was like, darn, really, I should pull over. We did make it home to his place though... So after a night like that, I was feeling pretty happy and upbeat and just glowingly content in general. And he calls me and I was like, oh, he is calling me without being asked or prompted, and he sounds so... content, like me. And we talked about our day and then he says, I'm busy tonight, so don't come over, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. Alrighty then. We weren't even planning on getting together, and it being Thanksgiving weekend, it would have been so easy for him to just say, I'm going out to my moms, or whatever... instead, he felt the need to tell me exactly what he's going to be doing. THANKS!!!!! I called him later and specifically asked him to lie to me next time.. I don't need to know. I can't handle it. We'll see how that goes. So anyway, we went over to friends' house down the street, they invited Lydia and me for turkey. AND, they got a hot tub!!!!! So we had turkey, then sat in the hot tub and Sandra and I finished a bottle of good Hungarian red wine... I was feeling no pain at all, let me tell ya! LOL. The kids were in the basement, watching a movie, and I said, sorry, I just have to go home... not feeling too good. (I'm not used to drinking, I'm the cheapest drunk around, half a glass of wine makes me giggly and tipsy, so half a bottle was a bit... over my limit. I was all fuzzy, but it was kinda nice). So I went home, and decided to check my emails before going to bed and then, an inspiration came over me and decided: I will pursue my fantasies and do what I want to do. And, I have had this fantasy for a long time now, to have a threesome with two guys. So, fortified by the red wine, I posted a note out on Adult Friend Finder. Got three replies in the first hour. LOL. And I'm still getting notes in my mailbox there and some comments on the post. So, what I'm gonna do is pick the "cream of the crop" so to speak, meet them for coffee to make sure we still click off line, not just on, and... plan a nice night out. I've already gave the "come hither" message to a couple of them and I'm getting pretty excited (mmmm). Will keep everyone posted, with descriptions of the candidates and the "interview" process. (no names, of course)

I'm Debbie Reynolds

2006-09-29T05:22:00.000-07:00

Which movie star are you?

1. Which describes your perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner for two
b) Amusement Park
c) Roller blading in the park
d) Rock Concert
e) Have dinner & see a movie
f) Dinner at home with a loved one

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll
b) Alternative
c) Soft Rock
d) Classical
e) Christian
f) Jazz

3. What is your favorite type of movie?
a) Comedy
b) Horror
c) Musical
d) Romance
e) Documentary
f) Mystery

4. Which of the following jobs would you choose if you were given only these choices?
a) Waiter/Waitress
b) Sports Player
c) Teacher
d) Policeman
e) Bartender
f) Business person

5. Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste?
a) Work out
b) Make out
c) Watch TV
d) Listen to the radio
e) Sleep
f) Read

6. Of the following colors, which do you like best?
a) Yellow
b) White
c) Sky blue
d) Teal
e) Gold
f) Red

7. Which one of the following would you like to eat right now?
a) Ice cream
b) Pizza
c) Sushi
d) Pasta
e) Salad
f)Lobster Tail

8. Which is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween
b) Christmas
c) New Year's
d) Valentine's Day
e) Thanksgiving
f) Fourth of July

9. If you could go to any of the following places, which would it be?
a) Reno
b) Spain
c) Las Vegas
d) Hawaii
e) Hollywood
f) British Columbia

10. Of the following, who would you rather spend time with?
a) Someone who is smart
b) Someone with good looks
c) Someone who is a party animal
d) Someone who has fun all the time
e) Someone who is very emotional
f) Someone who is fun to be with

Now total up your points on each question:

1. a-4 b-2 c-5 d-1 e-3 f-6
2. a-2 b-1 c-4 d-5 e-3 f-6
3. a-2 b-1 c-3 d-4 e-5 f-6
4. a-4 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-1 f-6
5. a-5 b-4 c-2 d-1 e-3 f-6
6. a-1 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-4 f-6
7. a-3 b-2 c-1 d-4 e-5 f-6
8. a-1 b-3 c-2 d-4 e-5 f-6
9. a-4 b-5 c-1 d-4 e-3 f-6
10. a-5 b-2 c-1 d-3 e-4 f-6

NOW, take your total and find out which Movie Star you are:

(10-17 points) You are
MADONNA:
You are wild and crazy and you know it. You know how to have fun, but you may take it to extremes. You know what you are doing though, and are much in control of your own life. People don't always see things your way, but that doesn't mean that you should do away with your beliefs. Try to remember that your wild spirit can lead to
hurting yourself and others.

(18-26 points) You are DORIS DAY:
You are fun, friendly, and popular! You are a real crowd pleaser. You have probably been out on the town your share of times,yet you come home with the values that your mother taught you. Marriage and children are very important to you, but only after you have fun. Don't let the people you please influence you to stray.

(27-34 points) You are DEBBIE REYNOLDS:
You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze. You are witty, and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of back stabbers, and you are worry-free.

(35-42 points) You are GRACE KELLY:
You are a lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy yourself. You are serious about all commitments and are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday, and never forget a Birthday. Don't let your passion for romance get confused with the real thing.

(43-50 points) You are KATHERINE HEPBURN:
You are smart, a real thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan. You are very healthy in mind and body. You don't take crap from anyone. You have only a couple of individuals that you consider "real friends". You teach strong family values. Keep your feet planted in them, but don't overlook a bad situation when it does happen.

(51-60 points) You are ELIZABETH TAYLOR:
Everyone is in awe of you. You know what you want and how to get it. You have more friends than you know what to do with. Your word is your bond. Everyone knows when you say something it is money in the bank. You attract the opposite sex. Your intelligence overwhelms most. Your memory is the next thing to photographic. Everyone
admires you because you are so considerate and lovable. You know how to enjoy life and treat people right.

Now put your Movie Star in the subject line, then forward and share with your friends, including the person who sent it to you!

a special birthday

2006-09-27T11:25:00.000-07:00

It was Derek's birthday yesterday, and he and I agreed that I'll come over to celebrate. I got a cake from Angelos and some good food (I swear, that man does not eat at all - his fridge is always empty) and rented some standup comedy from Blockbuster. Chris Rock is HILARIOUS!!!!!! And we had such a lovely evening together! He thanked me for spending time with him on his birthday and he was huggy and cute and attentive. We ate chicken, watched the comedy, I gave him his present (the tshirt I got him is too small, darn it, I'll have to exchange it). Then I brought in his cake, with three sparkles on top! He loved it, it looked great and I managed not to drop the cake from getting all the tiny fiery sparkles on my arm... :-)))) Then while I was fetching plates, he came into the kitchen and licked the cake. Then he said, I'm sorry, that was probably very rude. I laughed and shrugged my shoulder and said, it's your cake, you can do what you want with it. And he proceeded to just bite off a big piece! It was so funny! It was something a kid would do. His mustache and beard got all white, even the tip of his nose, it was adorable. What a mess! So I forgot the plates and licked into the cake too, then we cleaned our faces and took the cake to the bed and got some really creative use out of the soft white creamy icing... MMMM. Happy Birthday baby. I love these times when we are comfortable together. Gosh I love him.

This

2006-09-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

is turning out to be an expensive week for the toothfairy: Lydia lost her other top front tooth this evening. Great big gap in her smile, it's adorable.
Now, I'll have to sneak in and get the tooth out and the money into the pouch of the Tooth Fairy Bear she got for her first tooth. It's a cute bear with purple wings and a purple pouch for the tooth.
In other good news: we found the hamster! Oreo was on the lose this time for almost a week, and she fell into the same trap again, the tilted smooth plastic garbage can. Proof that my cats have no predatory instinct in them whatsoever: the hamster was in the garbage can for at least a full night and it's still alive, even though it was in the laundry room, where the cats usually hang out at night. Pathetic, but I'm glad, for the hamster's sake.

Flawless logic

2006-09-26T05:35:00.000-07:00

Lydia lost a tooth today at school (upper left on the front). She of course related the entire story to me (a budding writer, that girl, for sure, she's got a vocabulary that amazes teachers and friends alike). So they were sitting in the lunch room, eating their sandwiches. Andrew was sitting beside her (a classmate, I hear his name ever-so-often), and he was eating a tuna sandwich. Lydia was munching on hers, which was smoked salmon (can you say sophisticated, for a 7-yr-old? Smoked salmon has been one of her favourite foods, since she was 2), and suddenly, she looked down on her sandwich, and there it was, her tooth! And just after she announced this and showed everyone the tooth, Andrew bit into his sandwich and the same thing happened to him!!!! So, she says: Fishy sandwiches are good for teeth, mommy, they make them fall out! She asked for a salmon sandwich again today, because the other one is also wiggling on the top (actually, hanging on my a thread pretty much). And now that she has a HUGE gap on the top, and the already wiggly tooth practically in the middle of this gap, slightly sticking out of her mouth (I swear she doesn't need a witch costume for Halloween), it's time for the school pictures today!!!! Yeeey! It will be interesting! I hope they'll make her smile big and open her mouth!
She also expressed hope last night that the toothfairy will leave her "bear money" (a tooney) for the tooth, because she wants to get one of those little rubbery Pooh bears out of the vending machine at Toys R Us. Of course, the toothfairy, the softie that she is, gave her a bear money.

Disaster

2006-09-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

that's the word for the party last night. It was a swingers meet and greet, hosted by Derek and Denise. I arrived at the place - first of all it was a DUMP. Really. No atmosphere, no class, no service, no nothing at that place, but the smell of booze and old furniture. There were some dart boards up on the back wall, there were some pooltables, and the whole thing looked really depressing. I felt overdressed in my sexy little strappy top with the soft shrug over it - this was a kind of faded jean shirt or trashy sparkly black top sortof a place. Derek and Peter were already there, Denise and the rest were nowhere to be seen, as they were being fashionably late. A young kid was also sitting there, forget his name, clean cut boy, early twenties, honestly, even if he was attractive to me, I would have felt like I was robbing the cradle. A veritable Mrs. Robinson. LOL. So we waited for the rest of the illustrious group to arrive, and with each arrival, I felt more and more uncomfortable with the whole thing. The assessing gaze of the men, the uncomfortable giggly giddyness of the women. Gross. Then Denise arrived with her friend Marcy. Honestly, when I met Denise, I thougth she was a bit low-class (forgive me my superficial elitist phrase, but that's the only way I can describe it), but now, accompanied by her friend and in her "element" gosh, you know, it made me physically sick to think of Derek being with these women and then being with me... That the same dick that was inside them, was inside me as well, turned my stomach. And then one of the guys tried to start up a conversation with me, he was soft and perverted looking and disgusting and it made my skin crawl and suddenly I felt very dirty... I had to get out of there. I tried to explain it to Derek, who came after me, asking what was wrong, and he thought I was really superficial, judging these people after 5 minutes of meeting them... I couldn't really get my thoughts out properly without totally insulting him and his friends, but... I know myself... I know I'm a pretty good judge of character, and very rarely have I been wrong about my first impressions... I do not make judgments lightly, but I have a certain instinct when it comes to people, and it was crystal clear to me that this is not the kind of crowd I want to associate with... and even contemplating to get close to one of the men there was just unthinkable. I don't know what I was expecting, really, I kinda thought it's going to be like the Talk Exchange, but sexier, instead, it was just awful.
So this is the end of my swinging career, thank goodness. I will never contemplate such a thing ever again, and I'm kinda glad that I saw the bottom of the barrel before jumping in...

Printer down

2006-09-22T09:16:00.000-07:00

at work, and I can't do much right now.. I've done my filing and my desk is super clean, organized to the last paperclip - pathetic, I know. With all these things happening in my life, a time with nothing to do is not exactly welcome. I don't want to think right now. It's all about the logistics of the move, the stress, the money, Andy's anger... all swirling inside me, turning into a tempest.
Yesterday it was meet the teacher night at Lydia's school and we went and talked to her teacher. I told her about the move and she said she'll keep an extra eye on Lydia to see how she is coping, but also she said I might not see the impact until after the move, which makes sense - that's when it becomes real for all of us.
Her schoolwork is great though, she is very eager and enthusiastic about her math and reading, and I've noticed lately that she is just as eager to please at home, which is wonderful. She cleaned her room without prodding, threatening and begging, and she helps set the table and takes her dishes back to the sink when she is done with her food. I give her lots of praise and it seems to make her want to do more. She said yesterday at bedtime: I'm so glad you are my Mommy. Awwww. I told her I'm glad that she is my girl, too. She comes up with the best lines, too. I told her this morning, you have the most perfect little toes (it's true, it's like a row of pearls at the end of her foot) and she said, and I'm most perfectly sleepy and I want to go back to bed. I totally agreed, that's what I wanted to do... LOL
But, it's Friday! yeeey! I have a party to go to tonight and I'm excited. Should be fun.

Freedom is getting closer

2006-09-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, we went to see the unit in the coop that will be available Oct 15th. D. and his son Jamie were at my house, so they came along, too. On the way there (and it's quite a long way from Springbank to Fanshawe Pk Road), Lydia and Jamie were squabbling like siblings: Give me that! No, you'll wrinkle it. No I won't. Mooommyyyy, he wrinkled it!!!!! Mommyyyy, he is stuffing all the donuts in his face all at once!!!! Daddy, she took all the donuts!!!! D. and I laughed, it was too cute. Once we got there, we rang the doorbell, and the two kids practically dashed in the door without an invite. I apologized profusely, but the woman was really nice, she just smiled. We went downstairs (big playroom for Lydia, finished, carpet old but useable, big storage and laundry room, room for the catbox! perfect!!!!). Main floor: Living room, fairly roomy, big windows. Kitchen: small, barely any space for a normal size table, but I could get a small 2 seater one, maybe one that can be folded out for company... The cabinets are in good shape. The colours are beige with beige throughout, but oh well. We can brighten it up with pictures and draperies and stuff. Upstairs: LARGE linen closet (THANK YOU!), nice size bathroom (yes, beige tile). Two surprisingly large bedrooms with BIG closets (yeeey!). Lydia felt VERY comfortable there. She jumped on the beds and couches (of course were told to get off immediately, but not before Jamie got a couple of jumps in as well). She ran out the back door and lay down on the grass and made grass angels. Then she was planning her room already! It was great to see her so enthusiastic! D. looked around too and said he likes it, and he thought it was great that Lydia felt so good there. Then he proceeded to shock the heck out of me by fantasizing about moving in with me... It was cute though and we talked about it after, and clarified that it was just fantasy. Then the kids played on the small playground (swings, slides, climbers, very nice). Lydia was actually protective of Jamie, holding his arm when he was running to far ahead, and she was very bossy with him, and Derek thought that was cute. I picked up an application at the office and we went home.
So now, the application is in, with the $15 fee for credit check, and I just have to wait for the board to decide if they want me. Then there will be an interview, after which they'll let me know. My friend Dianne thinks I won't have a problem...
I can hardly wait!!!!!!!
Yesterday, I met Derek's brother Andrew. I don't think they look alike in the least, but maybe it was just because Andrew has very short hair and is clean shaven, as opposed to my long haired, bearded, Jesus-look love. Andrew struck me as very confident, much more so than Derek, and very friendly and social. He asked me about Russia and Hungary (I love it that people think it's interesting that I'm from Eastern Europe, I mean, it's not very exciting to me... LOL). When he first saw me, I think he thought I wasn't what he expected. I know in looks we don't look like a well-matched couple with Derek... He is thin and handsome and oh so sexy with his hippy look, and me... well... fat and fairly conservative-looking with my short hair and office clothes. But I think after we talked, he liked me well enough. It was interesting though, that not only my insecurities surfaced at the presence of Andrew... Derek asked half-jokingly if I'd fallen in love with his brother (which he mentioned before, months ago, when I never even thought I'd ever meet Andrew). I said, absolutely not and told him how handsome and sexy he is and how enchanting his eyes are... I don't think I'm capable of seeing anyone in a romantic light, especially if Derek is present. Yes, Jen, I'm a big marshmallow when it comes to him! LOL.

Complicated

2006-09-12T09:41:00.000-07:00

I realized that in my last few posts, I've been only complaining about my love, and you guys probably have no idea why I even bother with this guy! I know, I know. Well, let me explain. Besides being a lovesick fool, I do have reason to feel the way I feel. I feel such an amazing, powerful, unbreakable connection to him. When we are together, we laugh and we cry and we read to each other, talk about silly things or serious things, about kids, and family and life in general. When he opens up to me, it's so breathtaking, so incredible. And he has this way of looking up from whatever he is doing and staring at me and saying, you are so beautiful. Or rubs my hair and says, you're so cute, with this little smile. And I just melt. Or, when he looks into my eyes and says he loves me... it's the most amazing, dizzyingly happy feeling in the world. It's not just the sex. Both of us said a few times that we feel a connection to the other unlike anything else we've ever felt for anyone else: a body, mind and emotional bond that's so rare. He said, what I feel for you is the closest to religion a humanist can experience. And I believe him, it's not that he is just trying to charm me, he knows he already has. He is so sincere, he sometimes has tears in his eyes when he confesses his love to me.
He can be so arrogant and cocky, and yet so unsure of himself, second-guessing and jumping to conclusions. He can be cold and distant sometimes, and then loving and caring and make me feel like I'm the center of his universe. He pulls away and I want to get inside that head of his, just to know what he is thinking... and then he comes so close, we are almost one mind.
It's the complexity of the man that I love, and the fact that he is a free spirit. So to try to change him, to alter the essence of him, which is the very thing that I love wouldn't make sense. I love him, just the way he is.

Good news at last

2006-09-12T05:24:00.000-07:00

The coop where my friend Dianne lives has a vacancy for a 2 br unit (townhouse, so lots of space for Lydia, me and the cats to roam around) for October 15th!!!! I'm going this weekend to take a look at the unit and I'm really excited. It's going to be PERFECT, I just know it in my heart! But in case it's not perfect after all, there is another one coming up in December, but I really would prefer not to wait that long, and also, moving in December is not something I would look forward to...
It will be a great experience not building my life and my home around another person, it's going to be me making the decisions for once. (Of course, keeping my daughter in mind at all times and making sure she is comfortable, but at least I won't be accountable to anyone but myself. I've already started organizing and throwing stuff out I don't need. Once I see the unit, I'll be able to tell what furniture I can take. Actually, Mom has a sectional down in her basement that's comfortable and in pretty good shape, I can probably get that for the living room if it will fit. She wants to get rid of it, she doesn't like it, she told me before. I don't want anything big, but the sectional would provide some flexibility for seating arrangements and would let me have friends over and have a comfortable conversation area.
As for Lydia's countless plushies and toys... gosh, I don't even know where to start packing that stuff!!!!! We'll have to pare them down somewhat (if she'll let me) and organize so she can actually see what she has. Plus, she can leave some of it at her Dad's for visits. And, the tv will be downstairs in the basement, I will NOT have a tv taking center place in the living room anymore! And no tv in my bedroom!!!! yeeey! I'm all excited, can you tell????

A rollercoaster weekend

2006-09-11T05:04:00.000-07:00

wow. What a strange weekend!
My Mom: I told her what happened and she totally blamed me. She said I should apologize to A., that I never should have angered him so much that he felt the need to hit me. Thanks, Mom. She also told me to pray and that she is praying for me. Great, that will help a lot. I lost it at work, I cried at my desk, S. from Accounts Receivable hugged me and we chatted briefly about mothers. And then, a couple of hours later, the phone rings, and it's Mom's number. I thought (though why, I don't know, why would she start giving me what I need???) she is calling to say she loves me and she'll help me get through this, but NO. She asked me to drop into Basic Foods and get her three cases of canning jars, as she was just starting to do her tomatoes. When I dropped off the cases, I was wearing pants, so of course I got a passing remark about women dressed like men and walking so far away from God. By then I was just defiant and angry and left with a really short goodbye.
On Friday, my friend Dianne called to tell me there is a whole bunch of vacancies in her coop, and I called right away, left a message. Their office hours are Monday and Thursday, so I'm expecting a call today. I talked to Lydia about changing schools, and actually, it went better than I expected... A big rock off my chest. That coop is at Fanshawe and Adelaide, very nice area, very good school, not grubby and depressing like some of the apartments I've been looking at, a 3 bedroom townhouse in a very clean, lovely coop, fairly reasonable.
Then on Friday afternoon, I had 5 girls over at my house, it was great listening to them play and giggle.
Then on Saturday morning, Andy and I had a talk, he actually apologized for what he did, he said he was way out of line and we had a comfortable chat. It was nice.
On Saturday afternoon, D. and I took Lydia and his son to the Fair and had a great time, it was so cute to see the two of them together. His little boy copies EVERYTHING Lydia does, it's hilarious. We had fun watching them on rides and generally just being together. Then in the evening, I went over to his place and had a great evening watching Curb your Enthusiasm shows off DVD and chatting and just hanging out. He told me he loved me a countless times and gosh, he sounds so sincere when he said it, and the fool that I am, I believed him. When I went home I felt so good, so calm and like everything was right with the world.
Then Sunday happened. Andy came up with the idea again for us to stay in the house and now he truly promised to move down to the basement (which he was only starting to work on half-assed before). He said he'll make Christmas a deadline, and until then, or after, he will not touch me or Lydia, and will work on the basement every weekend. Sigh. It was tempting, especially because he already told Lydia, who was begging me to stay, but I knew it is a BAD idea. So I said I still intend to move out, but as usual, he explained all the reasons why my idea was totally stupid and then proceeded to act like I've agreed to stay, talking about cleaning up the basement and getting the litterboxes upstairs. I was like, did you not hear what I said????? Then in the evening, since I still had the babysitter booked from 5 to 10, I went over to D's place (I couldn't reach him on the phone, but I figured, after the night we spent together and the way he was talking, it's OK). And the door swung open, he was standing in the doorway, and look, there is a woman behind him sitting on the couch. I went in anyway, still thinking, ok, it's not what you think. She was introduced and we had a nice little chat and we hung out for a while, his neighbour came over too, and all the while my head was going a hundred miles an hour. He later said that he was trying to fix her up with Peter, but I don't think that was the reason she was there in the first place. To top it off (and now I'm going to sound disgustingly elitist), she is kinda trashy, tattoos on her back and her upper arm, outdated glasses and horrible haircut and grown-down dye job, and none too bright either, doesn't have much to say, mostly just giggle. Oh don't get me wrong, nice, harmless girl, but clearly not even from the same planet as me. As the three of them were talking about how high they've gotten in the past and how fun that was, or how horrible, I thought, hell, this is SOOO not my scene, I'm worth SO much more that this. Suddenly, it was just too much and wasn't remotely fun anymore so I left early and came home, but then I couldn't sleep, thoughts swirling in my head and my heart PHYSICALLY in pain. Is that what a heartbreak feels like? Or is this just my heart expelling him from itself and leaving a huge gaping hole where my love for him used to be? I don't know. I guess I'll find out in the next couple of days.

2006-09-07T17:46:00.000-07:00

I got this from J-Girl's blog.
I want to just play instead of posting something serious...
You put in BOLD the things you have done.

1 - Bought everyone in the bar a drink.
2 - Swam with wild dolphins.
3 - Climbed a mountain.
4 - Taken a Ferrari for a test drive.
5 - Been inside The Great Pyramid.
6 - Held a tarantula.
7 - Taken a candlelit bath with someone.
8 - Said "I love you" and meant it.
9 - Hugged a tree.
10 - Bungee jumped.
11 - Visited Paris.
12 - Watched a lightning storm at sea.
13 - Stayed up all night long and saw the sunrise.
14 - Seen The Northern Lights.
15 - Gone to a huge sports game.
16 - Walked the stairs to the top of The Leaning Tower Of Pisa.
17 - Grown and eaten your own vegetables.
18 - Touched an iceberg.
19 - Slept under the stars.
20 - Changed a baby's diaper.
21 - Taken a trip in a hot air balloon.
22 - Watched a meteor shower.
23 - Gotten drunk on champagne.
24 - Given more than you can afford to charity.
25 - Looked up at the night sky through a telescope.
26 - Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment.
27 - Had a food fight.
28 - Bet on a winning horse.
29 - Asked out a stranger.
30 - Had a snowball fight.
31 - Screamed as loudly as you possibly could.
32 - Held a lamb.
33 - Seen a total eclipse.
34 - Ridden a roller coaster.
35 - Hit a home run.
36 - Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking.
37 - Adopted an accent for an entire day.
38 - Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment.
39 - Had two hard drives for your computer.
40 - Visited all 50 states.
41 - Taken care of someone who was wasted.
42 - Had amazing friends.
43 - Danced with a stranger in a foreign country.
44 - Watched wild whales.
45 - Stolen a sign.
46 - Backpacked in Europe.
47 - Taken a road trip.
48 - Gone rock climbing.
49 - Midnight walk on the beach.
50 - Gone skydiving.
51 - Visited Ireland.
52 - Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love.
53 - In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them.
54 - Visited Japan.
55 - Milked a cow. (does a goat count?)
56 - Alphabetized your CDs.
57 - Pretended to be a superhero.
58 - Sung karaoke.
59 - Lounged around in bed all day.
60 - Posed nude in front of strangers.
61 - Gone scuba diving.
62 - Kissed in the rain.
63 - Played in the mud.
64 - Played in the rain.
65 - Gone to a drive-in theater.
66 - Visited The Great Wall Of China.
67 - Started a business.
68 - Fallen in love and not had your heart broken.
69 - Toured ancient sites.
70 - Taken a martial arts class.
71 - Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight.
72 - Gotten married. (twice)
73 - Been in a movie.
74 - Crashed a party.
75 - Gotten divorced. (once already, and hey, now I'm gonna do it again)
76 - Gone without food for 5 days.
77 - Made cookies from scratch.
78 - Won first prize in a costume contest.
79 - Ridden a gondola in Venice.
80 - Gotten a tattoo.
81 - Rafted The Snake River.
82 - Been on a television news program as an expert.
83 - Got flowers for no reason.
84 - Performed on stage.
85 - Been to Las Vegas.
86 - Recorded music.
87 - Eaten shark.
88 - Eaten fugu (pufferfish).
89 - Had a one-night stand.
90 - Gone to Thailand.
91 - Bought a house.
92 - Been in a combat zone.
93 - Buried one/both of your parents.
94 - Been on a cruise ship.
95 - Spoken more than one language fluently. (for about 3 years)
96 - Performed in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
97 - Raised children.
98 - Followed your favorite band/singer on tour.
99 - Taken a bicycle tour in a foreign country.
100 - Picked up and moved to another city just to start over.
101 - Walked The Golden Gate Bridge.
102 - Sang loudly in the car and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking.
103 - Had plastic surgery.
104 - Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
105 - Wrote articles for a large publication.
106 - Lost over 100 pounds. (Does losing the same 20 and gaining it back count?)
107 - Held someone while they were having a flashback.
108 - Piloted an airplane.
109 - Petted a stingray.
110 - Broken someone's heart.
111 - Helped an animal give birth.
112 - Won money on a TV game show.
113 - Broken a bone.
114 - Gone on an African photo safari.
115 - Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced.
116 - Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol.
117 - Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild.
118 - Ridden a horse.
119 - Had major surgery.
120 - Had a snake as a pet.
121 - Hiked to the bottom of The Grand Canyon.
122 - Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours.
123 - Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States.
124 - Visited all 7 continents.
125 - Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than two days.
126 - Eaten kangaroo meat.
127 - Eaten sushi.
128 - Had your picture in the newspaper.
129 - Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about.
130 - Gone back to school.
131 - Parasailed.
132 - Petted a cockroach. (Why on Earth would I do that???)
133 - Eaten fried green tomatoes.
134 - Read The Iliad And The Odyssey. (in Hungarian translation though)
135 - Selected an important author who you missed in school and read something they wrote.
136 - Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
137 - Skipped all your school reunions.
138 - Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language.
139 - Been elected to public office.
140 - Written your own computer language.
142 - Had to put someone you love into hospice care.
143 - Built your own PC from parts.
144 - Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you.
145 - Had a booth at a street fair.
146 - Dyed your hair.
147 - Been a DJ.
148 - Shaved your head.
149 - Caused a car accident.
150 - Saved someone's life.

Thanks J-Girl, you took my mind off my troubles for about 15 minutes! :-)

Decisions

2006-09-07T02:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not very good at them at the best of times... There are so many thoughts swirling in my head, and of course, my daughter's comfort and happiness and safety are of the utmost importance. So we are looking for something in the area we live in now, to keep her in the same school and in the vicinity of her friends. But, we live close to Wortley Village, which is where she goes to school, and which is kindof a "fancy" neighbourhood. Not in a flashy, flauntingly rich kind of way, no, it's more like the funky "urban peasant" kinda artsy way. I LOVE it, but it's EXPENSIVE. We looked at a place yesterday, it was two bedrooms, the main level of a house, and we would get the use of a backyard and a patio, and the basement for laundry and cat litterbox, which would be wonderful, 2 minutes away from Lydia's school (ok, 5, if you walk slow). But, the bedrooms and the closets are pint-sized, there isn't a lot of space, and it's 750 plus utilities... EXPENSIVE. The most I can afford is $700 incl. So I'm looking further today, more to the south and more to the north, and on the other side of Wharncliffe and see if that will come up with anything promising. At work, they don't have anything in the area, all the properties we manage seem to be FARTHEST possible away from here... Sigh..

News about me

2006-09-06T16:48:00.000-07:00

I'm moving. Something pretty bad happened on the weekend, though nothing I didn't bring on myself, really. So I'm moving. Looking for an apartment right now.

Ha! Famous last words!

2006-09-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

that last post I had yesterday? NEVER MIND!!!! I am as desperately in love as ever! Yesterday afternoon, I had a panic attack in the car, I wanted him to hold me so much. I had to breathe and I felt I was suffocating. And then we met at the Talk Exchange, the last one at the Alex P., and we got together afterwards.
We had an enchanted night together, it was incredible. Our love for each other increased so much that we both wept and laughed. And... he asked me if I will "officially" be his girlfriend and I said yes. Even though I told him that boyfriend/girlfriend is just not a deep enough word for what I feel. So he is officially my LOVE. Not just lover, not A lover. MY lover. My love.

I'm free

2006-09-03T05:58:00.000-07:00

I feel there is light at the end of a tunnel. (even though I chose the tunnel myself and I enjoyed it very much while I was in it, it was, nonetheless, a tunnel). Something happened yesterday that should have upset me but it didn't. I felt curiously free and lighthearted about it. After I left his place, a snippet of a Leonard Cohen song came to mind:

and for something like a second
I'm cured, and my heart is at ease.

hmmm. Interesting. Maybe I AM growing up. Or maybe I'm learning how to move on. I'm reminded of a theory I read somewhere (it was in a book about reincarnation), that everyone who touches you deeply comes into your life to teach you something about yourself. D. touched me more than I ever imagined. And I'm still learning the lesson, I'm sure. But I feel like I AM learning it now instead of just spinning my wheels.

a better picture

2006-09-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

Nothing lasts forever

2006-09-01T05:21:00.000-07:00

I'm reminded these days of the way everything in life is in constant flux and change. The Talk Exchange is over, whether it will be re-born in another form remains to be seen. People move on to other blogs and start being interested in new things. People come in and out of our lives and touch us in different ways, leave their fingerprints on our soul and move on.
It's good that it's like this, I know it can be very painful to try and hold on to something that no longer exists. It can cause a lot of grief when you're rigid and refuse to change even when everything around you is changing. And usually I'm fairly fluid and can embrace the new experiences. It's leaving the old ones behind that's painful. I tend to live in the moment these days. I try to concentrate on what I'm doing at that time and lose myself in the enchantment of the moment. Whether its bathing my kid, or reading a story with her, whether it's having a long-distance counselling/bitching session with my friends, making the financial statements balance for the property I'm working on, or being embraced in my lover's arms. I don't want to think about the future or saying goodbye, but it still creeps up on me. It's the fall, too, I love it with all its colours and cooler weather, but it IS a sort of death, a sort of change, a sort of goodbye to the long, hot summer. It always makes me melancholy.

still

2006-08-30T06:18:00.000-07:00

in love, and now more than ever. He came over last night, and we watched episodes of "Curb your Enthusiasm" on DVD - what a funny show! And we ate and talked and it was sooo very nice. And he said, I was always attracted to you, but now I realize that you're beautiful. I turned away because it made me feel uncomfortable - I don't FEEL beautiful and when people tell you things that don't fit your image of yourself, it's weird. He cradled my face in his palm and said these fateful words that sent me further and deeper into the exhilarating abyss of love: "Listen to me, what I'm trying to say is that I'm in love with you." Gosh, I melted into a puddle. And before he left, we hugged again and he said: it's great that we are in love with each other, and I feel more and more comfortable with you. I said something in agreement, though not nearly as eloquent and he left, wearing my vest because the night turned cold. Gosh, when he opens up and reveals something of himself, it's like he is giving me a precious gift. The cynical side of me just says that he just knows exactly what to say and when, but when I'm lost in his eyes, that side of me doesn't exist.

Shortcut

2006-08-28T19:50:00.000-07:00

got a new haircut on Saturday and I love it!
It's short, fun and easy.

My doc said

2006-08-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

I escaped his clutches long enough as far as a Tetanus shot is concerned, so he gave me one. The scratch is not too bad, a bit red, but not large and not deep (she didn't really want to hurt me, she just wanted me to let her go), but he said to keep an eye on it and if it gets worse, to go back for some heavy duty antibiotics.
My arm hurts from the shot, but I didn't pass out from the needle, which is a miracle...

Cat Chronicles

2006-08-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

Our Prissy, the big fluffy grey (not fat, just big boned, thank you very much) cat is too big to clean her own bum and back regions, and because she is so darn fluffy and because she is not too keen on being brushed (though since one of our guests, 12 yr old Michele tried it once, she is a bit more tolerant of the brush), her fur is all matted around her bum. So, this weekend I decided to take matters into my own hands and got an electric trimmer. They assured me at Pet Smart that this sucker will cut through matted fur, so I got it. Prissy seemed to sense immediately that there is some sort of danger coming her way because she slinked down to the basement and climbed on top of the mattress that's standing up against one wall and huddled there. I took her down, murmuring reassuringly, but she just KNEW. Her body tensed up, and by the time I put her on the dining room table, her fur (the non-matted part) was standing up. At first she was just silently fuming about the undignified treatment she was getting and let me cut the top part of her back, but once I got to the mats, she wanted none of that. She started pitifully meowing, and Daisy (the smaller black cat) immediately ran to the rescue, also crying at the top of her lungs, demanding to know why we are hurting her step-sister. Lydia was also hanging around, despite of me telling her to stay away. As Prissy began to growl, Lydia said: Mommy, don't you think a PROFESSIONAL should do this? I said, yes, that would be nice, but I don't really want to pay a $100 to shave the cat's butt. To top it all, the stupid thing WASN'T cutting through the big mats, so I had to take scissors to those parts, and then use the trimmer once the mats were smaller. At the scissors, Prissy growled louder, and when I put the trimmer to her again, she hissed and growled and some really unearthly sounds came out of her, and then suddenly, she flipped on her back (I thought I was holding her quite immobile with my one hand, but obviously, for all her size, she is very agile), bit and scratched me, leaving a jagged scar across my palm and ran for her life, right back down to the basement. I decided it was best not to pursue at that point, instead, I cleaned the scratches and put a giant band-aid on the biggest one.
And since I can't remember when I had a tetanus shot last, I'm going in to see my doc today, as the scratch is getting red and puffy and tender. So after all that, I'm just gonna call the cat grooming place. Maybe they have some happy gas or something they can use on Miss Priss so she doesn't rip everyone to shreds...
And after she is shaved, I'm just going to slowly and carefully introduce daily brushings... We'll see how that goes... You know, she is the biggest pussy cat, constantly demanding rubbing and attention in this tiny little meow, so I'm really surprised she's got so much fight in her! I guess under that fluffy harmless exterior, there is a wildcat inside, and if you piss her off, watch out...

Anjani

2006-08-28T05:29:00.000-07:00

I rarely buy CD's anymore, I usually download, but yesterday I wandered into Chapters (for the wonderful Chai Latte they have) and browsed through the store for some bargains (I love the Clearance section there). Predictably, it was the cover that caught my attention, just because the woman on it is so exotic looking, not pretty in a conventional sense, but arresting and beautiful and different. Her name is Anjani, and a lot of her songs are written by Leonard Cohen (who I love, love, LOVE for his lyrics and that sexy deep voice). Her voice is smoky and dreamy, the lyrics are beautiful and suit her voice perfectly.

No One After You

I danced with a lot of men
Fought in an ugly war
Gave my heart to a mountain
But I never loved before
I'm nervous when you turn away
My heart is always sore
Tuxedo gave me diamonds
But I never loved before

Been on the road forever
I'm always passing through
But you're my first love and my last
There is no one, no one after you

I've lived in many cities
From Paris to LA
I've known rags and riches
I'm a regular cliche
I tremble when you touch me
I want you more and more
I taught the Kama Sutra
But I never loved before

Been on the road forever
I'm always passing through
But you're my first love and my last
There is no one, no one after you

Thought I knew the facts of life
But now I know the score
Been around the block and back
But I never loved before

Pussy Pillow

2006-08-25T16:41:00.000-07:00

We got out of the office early today and I went downtown to walk around at the Market (I LOVE the Covent Garden Market, though not as much as Trail's End - that one reminds me more of home). So I decided to drop by Libido on Talbot, to check out those interesting pillows I saw the other day. And YES, they ARE for sale, an old lady in California makes them, her artist name is Bad Mimi. The pillows are lovely, and she has a tag on them that says: Act like you have a diamond between your legs. And it also has a short "history lesson" on the power of the vagina. So, I splurged on one of these (NOT cheap), a huge pillow, all in burgundys and reds, a soft feathery trim and silky folds for labia, and a DIAMOND (well, ok, a rhinestone) for a clit. It was too hilarious to resist. I also splurged on an AWESOME G-spot vibrator, as the Rock Chick I got last year in Toronto (at the Cum As You Are shop) doesn't quite do the trick. The Chick has a vibrator bullet at the base of it and the stuff that's supposed to stimulate the G spot is the farthest away from the vibrator, so it does... NOTHING. Now, THIS baby has a moving head that rubs AND vibrates at the end, plus it has all these soft knobby bits on it, so it should be JUST perfect... I'll let ya'all know once I've tried it (with proper warning so those with more delicate sensibilities don't have to read it). I also saw these CUTE panties called "Frilly Knickers", rows upon rows of lacy frill on them, and they DO come in 1-3X for those with bigger bottoms... They had pink and black ones. But alas, it was $45 for all that frill and I've charged enough on my Visa with the two items I already got... Gosh, I love, love, LOVE that store.

Meme (from J-Girl)

2006-08-25T07:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks for tagging me, you KNOW how I love these!

Things that scare me
*Violence, physical and verbal
*Being lonely
*Insects with many legs (especially if they run around in my bathtub!!!eeek)

People who make me laugh
*Ellen DeGeneres
*Michael Moore (though he makes me think and cry, too)
*My new favourite, Harmon Leon (OMG, the FUNNIEST political humour I've EVER read)

Things I hate the most
*Intolerance
*Needles
*When someone hates me for no reason

Things I don't understand
*A LOT of things in this world, but mainly why we care more about the rights of criminals then their victims?
*Why does it matter if Pluto is a planet or a dwarf planet?
*Why I always fall for the guys who don't love me back?

Things I'm doing right now
*Doing this meme
*Eating pizza
*Listening to my kid and her friends play

Things I want to do before I die
*Travel abroad by myself or with just girl friends
*Have an equal-rights, healthy relationship with someone I'm really happy with.
*Watch my kid grow up and be happy and well-adjusted.

Things I can do
*be a friend
*make Hungarian Goulash and Cabbage Rolls
*give a great blowjob

Ways to describe my personality
*loving
*generous
*moody

Things I can't do
*deal with finality (saying goodbye forever)
*make decisions that affect other people
*stick to an exercise and diet plan

Things I think you should listen to
(sorry J-Girl, I'm totally stealing two of your answers, but it's PERFECT)
*your own instincts and thoughts
*children playing and laughing
*music that fits your mood that moment (like having a soundtrack to your life)

Things you should never listen to
*people putting you down
*anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, like vicious gossip or racial jokes
*a small baby's cry without picking her/him up

Things I'd like to learn
*Confidence in myself
*Make Pussy Pillows
*Speak an exotic language, like Japanese

Favorite foods
*Anything Chocolate
*Shrimp and other seafood
*Pasta

Beverages I drink regularly
*Ice Tea
*Coffee
*Green tea

Shows I watched as a kid
Well, some of these nobody heard of, unless they grew up in Hungary...
*Rumcajsz, a show with a bearded robber and his wife and kid who lived in a forest and he was a highwayman by profession (amazingly, this show had a lot of lessons on sharing, love, and family)
*The adventures of the little mole (A kisvakond kalandjai), sooo cute, a Polish cartoon series.
*And for those who grew up here, yes, we watched the Muppet Show on Friday nights and the Roadrunner on Saturday mornings, even behind the Iron Curtain...

People I will tag with this meme (on email since they don't blog):
Hedi
Barb
Linda
D. (who won't do it, guys rarely do)

Obviously,

2006-08-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

In relationships, you tend to be a bit selfish.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Thanks for the quiz, J-Girl.

What do you get

2006-08-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

a person who has EVERYTHING? E., the boss lady, had a DISASTER for an office today, packages and baskets and wrapping paper everywhere, even a tin tub, one of those that people sometimes photograph babies in, as if anybody would actually bathe a baby in one of those... So I said, ermmm. what's a tub doing in your office? She looked at me, exasperated: Oh, it's for this gift... Apparently, one of our oldest clients got married and M. and E. were going down for a meeting anyway so they wanted to get him a gift. This guy is 73, the bride is 68. The guy (I think his name is Ed) is quite well off, M. told me he lives in a penthouse of an apt. building - that he owns, of course - overlooking the marina in Windsor, he has at least one condo complex (no, not one condo, a WHOLE bloody complex is his), so it's not like he needs a new toaster or cheese grater. So E. (because it's ALWAYS up to the woman to worry about such things as wedding gifts) was assembling a HUGE gourmet basket for this guy, personalized and unique, just for him, with LOTS of booze and sweets in it. It just kinda made me think about the difference between the lifestyle of a person who is wealthy, and a person (like most people I know) who live paycheque to paycheque (if you're lucky enough to have a job). I mean, I wouldn't want to be extremely wealthy, I realize that obscene wealth is more of a burden than it's a pleasure, but it sure would be nice not HAVING to work, just do what you WANT to do, to take trips to different locations, to get away for a weekend in the spur of the moment, to go to a spa and get a facial and a pedicure once a month, to give in to urges of generosity when they strike you ( I LOVE buying gifts for people). I think I could get used to that...
What would YOU do if you had money? and how much money would you consider enough?
For me, if I could have an investment income of 3-4 grand a month, I'd be quite happy.

A bunch of lushes

2006-08-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

is what we are at this office. (I fit right in.) The pretty Welsh assistant, S., had a visitor; her brother. He came into the office and S. went to E. and said: I have a date for ya, here is my brother. E. comes out of her office (remember, E. is the owner's wife, a proper lady at first glance), sees this guy, fluffs her hair, extends her hand and says: Hi, I'm single. Of course, heads of accounting girls and assistants immediately pop up over the cubicle walls and you could almost hear the collective gasp as they check him out: he is HOT! OH MY! Tall, dark (little bit of gray), handsome, rugged and ahhhh that Welsh accent. Black faded t-shirt, jeans. GRRRRRR. So of course everyone had to scurry to someone's cubicle and discuss the visitor. Meanwhile, E. says coyly: oh, here comes my husband! (like it's a surprise that she has one). Introductions were made and S. took her hot brother off to lunch, while the cute 19-yr-old receptionist was also fluffing her hair and her cleavage was lower than it had ever been. Too funny! At lunch, I HAD to ask who knows what about Mr. Hot Stuff. He is divorced, apparently going through women like there's no tomorrow, as one of the girls put it: no one has ever dated him, because you just don't have the time - by the time you'd start dating you're already replaced. He also had 4 heart attacks!!!! (I'd think no one who had 4 heart attacks could possibly look this good, but what do I know?)

tired today

2006-08-22T05:38:00.000-07:00

even though I went to bed early and even slept in a bit, but I'm just dragging my butt this morning... headache, cramps, just all-over yucky feeling. Hormones suck and we women are blessed with a whole bunch of mood-altering ones... I'm now under the influence of the draggy butt hormone, with a dose of the moody irritable one thrown in. Doesn't make for a pretty combination. Best to avoid talking to anyone today and bury my head into financial statements. :-)))

well,

2006-08-21T15:49:00.000-07:00

G and I are done... It seems we are in a check-mate situation and neither of us are willing to budge. He asked me to give up my lover and I asked him to give up booze... not gonna happen, on neither counts... And... remember a few weeks ago, how DEVASTATED I was when I thought it was over with lover? Well, I'm not now... calm, a bit relieved, actually. A bit sad, but not nearly the mess I was then... Interesting...
Actually, things are just beautiful with lover. He seems to have given up on the notion that he needs to keep me at arm's length, except for the occasional sex. We are getting together quite often, he comes over, or I go over to his place, and it's not always just me asking if we can get together, he actually wants to as well, and we do normal things... like watch a movie or read to each other or order pizza. It's NICE! It's COZY! and I'm so happy I could fly!!!!!!
My friend Hedy was here yesterday, we went shopping for gifts for the girls in Hungary (my great, amazing email friends) and their babies and kids. Spent a LOT of money, even though we only bought one little thing for everyone, but still... 4 women, their kids, a couple of babies... And then she came to the Talk Exchange, it was great to have her there. On the way there, she said she'll just sit and not talk, but then she did contribute to the conversation and had a nice chat with Ross and Donovan after the group meeting ended. She thought everyone was really great and she felt comfortable. It was wonderful to spend the day together... I'm so jealous that she is going to Hungary! I wish I could go as well... maybe when Lydia is bigger, we can go there together.

Binging

2006-08-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

Arrrgh! Must be PMS-ing... but I CAN'T STOP EATING!!! Yesterday's damage: After a normal breakfast (low fat muffin, coffee), I started my little binge fest with 3/4 bag of M&Ms before lunch; then 2 cans of pop, 3 slices of Pizza Hut pizza (with Garlic dip) at lunch because we won "Office of the Day" on Bob FM and got 7 large pizzas, so I had to try the veggie and greek AND canadian. For supper, a very healthy salmon and lettuce salad, and then I had to ruin it with 1\2 bowl of macaroni and cheese (left over from Lydia's supper), 2 scoops of banana nut Haagen Dazs ice cream, 5 two-bite brownies with milk. Then really went over the top with a slice of pizza (with Xtra cheese) late at night with D. when he came over hungry.
This morning I started out well enough with a 12-grain bagel w. light cream cheese, but OMG, the leftover pizza and garlic breadsticks are calling me from the fridge in the lunch room, and so are the nacho chips from the vending machine in the back. And I have hazelnut Ritter chocolate in my drawer... mmm. milk chocolate with whole crunchy hazelnuts...

a sweet, sweet night

2006-08-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

He came over again last night, my gorgeous lover. It was wonderful. I brushed and stroked his hair and he read from a book out loud to me and the love we made was so long and so sweet, neither of us wanted it to end. I'm beginning to relax and trust in his affection for me. I'm still afraid for my heart, but it's so very nice to give myself over to these feelings. This passion, this hot, searing, beautiful love.

"I don't know how to love him, what to do, how to move him
I've been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I've seen myself,
I seem like someone else.

I don't know how to take this, I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man, he's just a man,
And I've had so many men before.
In very many ways, he's just one more.

Should I bring him down, should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love, let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?

Don't you think it's rather funny I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been so calm so cool
No lover's fool, running every show.
He scares me so.

I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?

Yet, if he said he loved me, I'd be lost, I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head, I'd back away, I wouldn't want to know.
He scares me so..
I want him so..
I love him so.."
(Mary Magdalene's song from Jesus Christ Superstar)

Pirates of the Caribbean

2006-08-16T16:04:00.000-07:00

Dianne and I have wanted to see this movie since my bday (over a MONTH ago), but with vacations, kids, work and everything else, we just couldn't seem to get it together. Finally, last night, we went to see it. It was gross, the guy with the octopus face and the various other crewmen with stages of turning into weirdo sea creatures, the beating heart in the chest, the big Cracken monster, some of the pirates with black teeth and fake eyeballs... but it was HILARIOUS! And of course Johnny Depp! He exaggerated and hammed it up quite a bit, but he was still great!
And ahhhhh. Orlando Bloom. Awww, what a hottie. A baby, really, so young, but a hottie nonetheless. And Keira Knightley, who is now one of my favourite young actresses, since I've seen Pride and Prejudice with her as Elizabeth Bennett. It was a fun movie, though I wouldn't consider it the greatest movie in history by any means. Lots of humorous situations, gorgeous scenery and awesome special effects. Then we went to East Side Marios and had a couple of drinks and chatted, it was nice. I had a Margarita (Strawberry... Yum) and Dianne had the Big Apple, which was very refreshing as well.

Brantford visit

2006-08-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

Marilyn and I went to visit Sandra in Brantford yesterday. It was soooo good to see them again! Lots of things happened since we last met, especially to Sandra, who got married, moved, became part of a large extended family, she is now looking for a job in a new city, was pregnant and miscarried, had health problems, struggled with depression, whew... a lot has happened to this girl and I admire her, because you know what? She still has an amazing sense of humour, amongst all the tears when she was telling us about her miscarriage, she still found a way to make us smile. She is so strong and yet so vulnerable. OK, she is a bit of a drama queen and a bit of a diva, but we love her. I took her birthday present down for her (it's been in my closet since May), they were these mules that she admired at Payless one time in the spring, these babies are brown leather, studded, 4 and a half inch(!!!!!)heels! She walks in them like she was born into them.
They just got a puppy, an adorable little Westin terrier, looks like a teddy bear, all roly-poly, an adorable baby! His name is Hooligan, and he is named very, very well. He was chewing our sandals, attacking ankle bracelets, licking toes, running after us when we were taking those delicious items out of his reach, and then finally settled down under the kitchen table. Sandra picked him up, and that tireless bundle of energy just minutes before was a sucky ragdoll baby, cuddling against her chest and sleepily gazing at us.
Religion only came up once, they asked if I wanted to join an online Bible study, I said no and it was OK. Whew.
On the way back to London, Marilyn and I shared some stories about our kids, and Marilyn's mom, who has Alzheimers... The stories she told about her forgetfullness are both funny and heartbreaking. All in all it was a lovely day. I'm glad I went and re-connected with those girls.

It's JUST a game

2006-08-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

I was browsing the Big Fish games site one night, looking for some mindless little game to play, since it's been a while since I've finished Mystic Inn and I was ready for some clicking. I stumbled on an amusing little game called "Teddy Bear Factory". I thought, oh, how CUTE, just like the Build a Bear workshop, right? Oh, yes, it started innocently enough. A conveyer belt, with blue, green and pink teddy bear parts on it, and you have to click and drag the individual parts to complete a cuddly teddy and hand it to the waiting child. How sweet! The kids came in, put in their order and you complete the teddy and give it to them. The teddys you complete and are not the right colour get boxed up and shipped out, but they also count towards your completion of the level. Awwww. There are little perks like "rainbow bear" parts that fit any other colour bear, and magnets that make the conveyer belt go backwards or go very slowly for a few seconds. However, if the teddy parts reach the end of the belt, they ALL turn into popcorn and you get demoted and lose the level. I did very well, made it all the way up to President of the Teddy Bear factory, SUCCESS, at last... But alas, I've only completed a third of the levels... But... I'm at the top, what could POSSIBLY go wrong? HA! Famous last words. I found it's a slippery slide from the top... If you don't make the right colour bears on time, the kids lose patience and leave, weeping... And the teddy parts are coming in, faster then ever. Now there are PURPLE parts! And, deviously, you get all but one arm of the pink teddy together, and then, for the next ten parts, there are NO PINK ARMS! What the hell happened to the pink arms???? No, not a leg, not a right arm... not a belly... A LEFT ARM! Oh, quick, another kid wants a green one, there, I got all the... wait... where is a green right leg???? Ok, let's start on a blue one then, OK, got that one off, OH SHOOOT the kid gave up and now I put the blue one in the box, just as another kid ALSO wanting a blue bear appears. And the left pink arm comes JUST after the kid leaves, weeping. F*&^. OK, let's just concentrate on putting these little beasts together quickly, just to finish the level, regardless of the lineup of stupid kids. Why can't they wait just a bit longer for those freakin' bears, anyway! And, why do these things have to have that STUPID grin on their faces? Don't they realize they are about to turn into popcorn, dammit? Oh, NOOOOOO. All is lost... I've been demoted, AGAIN, and I'm an apprentice... well, just try this level again... I'll be quicker this time, outsmart these horrid little creatures. But they keep coming! Faster and faster! I'm out of magnets! There are NO MORE rainbow parts.... SHIT! I've been FIRED! ME, the former PRESIDENT of the company! The humiliation! The shame! Where is my golden parachute! Just you wait! I'll come back and start over... With a vengeance. No pink teddy bear will stand in my way! I will be at the top once again!!!! Oh... yeah, yeah... of course, it's just a stupid game.. right.. OK.. I'm better now.. Clicking the quite button... ahhhh. I can breathe.

Fringe

2006-08-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

This evening, I finally got to see a Fringe play. G. and I went to see the "Science Fair" at the Arts Project. It was so much fun! We both really enjoyed it. The girl who played Mr. Harry Butte (the science teacher), and one of the students, was HILARIOUS and a really, really talented actress with a rubber face! And the guy who provided the "background" music with a guitar was very funny, in a geeky, cute sort of way. It was (as the title suggests) about a high-school science fair and how a few students prepared for it. One was totally just into science for the science of it, another was in it with a university scholarship in mind, another one was dealing with raging hormones and all she wanted to do was get a boyfriend... In the end, of course, the "genius" boy and the shy "ugly" girl got together, and even the big-bellied, fake-moustached Mr. Butte won the heart of the cold stuck-up literature teacher. All of the actors played at least three roles, and it was amazing to see the quick transformation as they switched characters, even genders. They were all very good. We would have seen more shows but we were really hungry and after dinner, it was too late and I had to go home to relieve my babysitter (her boyfriend is leaving for a week, which is a really, really long time when you're 16, and they wanted to spend some time together before he left. awww young love.) G. took me to Ben Thahn, which is a thai restaurant on York Street (the BEST spring rolls, honestly!) G. ordered some beef curry, and it was really hot (one bite was enough to clear my sinuses, thank you very much, but he didn't think it was hot enough!). I ordered shrimp and broccoli in a teriyaki-like sauce, but it wasn't quite as sweet as teriyaki, which was nice. We wanted their coffee smoothies, which are amazing, but it takes 20 min to make and the girl forgot to put in our order... sniff. Then we walked a bit downtown, oh, btw. there is this shop on Talbot street called the Libido, obviously a sex shop, and there were... pillows in the window.. pillows that were all pink and red and frilly and they kinda looked like... giant pussies! They were actually really neat! Naughty art... Cute! I wonder who makes them... I don't think it's a guy.. probably a crafty lesbian chick. I'll have to go there one time when it's open and ask.

Sleepless in London

2006-08-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

Cats, kids and cookie crumbs have NO BUSINESS in a person's bed!!!!!
Lydia was just HYPER yesterday and wouldn't go to bed - of course not, after three late nights, not having to get up early the next morning... And I was just beat, cuz I didn't get much sleep the night before that, either, but I will NOT complain about that. (grin) So she had a snack and watched tv on my bed, then I tucked her into her own bed and soon I was drifting off... but I noticed unusual brightness on the bottom of the door and decided to check it out... The little MONKEY turned on all her lights and was playing Gameboy on her bed! At 11 PM!!!! I turned the lights off, firmly tucking her in again, and was again drifting off into dreamland when the door opened. 11:30 PM!!!! Missy was in the doorway, with blankey and three of her plush animals and said in a pitiful voice: moooommmyyyy, my throat hurts and I can't stop coughiiiiiing. (The coughing part wasn't entirely true, I only heard a couple of small coughs, but she sounded so forlorn and I was too tired to argue. So I said, get in here and lifted my covers. She moved in with lightning speed and tried to hide her grin (the little monkey) as she settled in beside me. At midnight, she was still wiggling, whispering to her animals and generally keeping me awake and finally the Momma Bear growled: Lydia stop wiggling or you're going back to your own bed!!!!! So she quieted down and all was well. We both fell asleep. Then I woke up at 2 AM to a kick in my ribs, then around 3 to a slap of a small hand across my belly, then around 5 to snoring and thrashing... Arrrrggggh. And I came in to work to do the utility search, which I had to stop and do something else because my head was nodding and my eyes needed toothpicks to keep them open...
Tonight, it's early bedtime no matter what, in her own bed!!!!! and I have to change the sheets that are covered in cookie crumbs.

Enchantment

2006-08-06T22:31:00.000-07:00

I'm in love. So deeply as if I fell into the abyss at the bottom of the Mariana trench. We had an amazing night together and my heart sings and is shaking, scared at the same time. I love him, truly, pathetically, unashamedly. I have no pride left. I could just hold him and brush his hair and caress him forever.

PDAs

2006-08-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

Public Displays of Affection...
Lydia, her friend Keana and I went to the ribfest today. While they were going on the kiddie rides, I just sat there and watched the people go by. And suddenly, all I noticed were the couples who walked by, holding hands, hugging, giving each other quick kisses on the cheek, and showing their closeness in small, natural ways. And my heart just craved... That's what I want. Someone who is not ashamed of me, who will show the world he loves me. Someone who accepts me the way I am. Weak but passionate, kind but easily hurt, it's all inside me. Someone who doesn't have to hide his love for me. Someone who is easy to love. I will have it someday. Maybe right now is not the right time, but it will happen. I want harmony.

Build-a-Bear Workshop

2006-08-04T13:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Lydia and I had a hankering for Chinese food, so we headed to Masonville mall to Manchu Wok, plus she wanted to check out some x-box game that another friend of hers has. So as we were wandering around the mall, we noticed a new store. It's a Build-a-Bear!!!!! Here's how it works: You go in, and there are un-stuffed plush animal skins in bins, with a stuffed example sitting on the shelf above to see the finished product. You pick a skin (after carefully examining the features, the texture, the eyes, etc.). Lydia fell in love with this velvety soft beige bear, and I just LOVED the orange striped kitty, so we just HAD to pick them up. Then you go to the Sound station, and you can add any sound you want. There are barks, meows, giggles, lullabyes, I Love you's, lion roars, monkey sounds, etc. I think it's 16 different sounds... we had a great time listening to all of them and finally made our selections. Lydia's bear has 5 different sayings, such as "Hey girlfriend" or "it's great to have a friend like you", and my kitty has a lion's roar!!!! It was very busy in there, it was their first day open, but we had staff come up to us, to entertain us while we were standing in line for the Stuffing station.
When you finally get there, there is a girl standing by this huge machine full of fluff. You can pick where the sound will go (paw, head or belly), then the fluff gets blown into the plush animal skin through a thick metal pipe, (you can choose how soft/hard you want your animal to be). Then comes the fun part. You get to pick up a small fabric heart, the girl asks you what you want your animal to be like and you get to rub the heart, kiss it, jump up and down to "put energy" in it, sing a song to it, or whatever you want to do, and then make a wish. Then the girl puts the heart into the bear, takes half of the ID UPC code off the tag on the animal, and sfuffs that inside as well. The ID can be scanned and the animal can be returned to its rightful owner if lost and submitted to any Build-a-Bear store. Then the animal gets sown together on the back, and you proceed to the Fluffing station, which is basically just a blast of air blowing out of showerhead-like things. After your animal is nice and fluffy, you go to the "Dressing Room". I kid you not there are at least 200 different outfits to chose from, Buzz Lightyear gear, Firefighter helmets and workboots, Harley Davidson t-shirts and jeans, ballerina, bride and hip chick outfits and even baby layette. And the SHOES! Now I have a shoe fetish to begin with on my own, but honestly, who can resist mini flip-flops, fuzzy slippers, jean sandals, ballerina slippers, cowboy boots, and even light-up sneakers! Of course every item you add carries a discreet but none-too-shy price tag and the staff is more than happy to help you pick out accessories for your pets (lingerie - real panties and boxer shorts, with appropriately placed hole in the back for the tail to stick out - backpacks, purses, MP3 players, cell phones, lunch box - now THAT was adorable - sunglasses, even wigs!) Then you go to the computers and get to name your animal (Lydia's bear is Heidi, my cat is Alley) and print a birth certificate. Then comes the painful part at the cashier (hello, Visa), and your animal gets packed into this HUGE house-shaped box, and any outfits you bought get put into a cardboard wardrobe, and you're all set! All the staff is incredibly upbeat and happy, in a cheerleader kinda way, which can get annoying after a while, but the kids love it! And heaven forbid if it happens to be your birthday, then they all sing to you and make a big fuss over you and your animal.

"My furry friend is special. I brought it to life. I chose it. I stuffed it. I made it my own. I promise to love it and give it a home."

Get me coffeeee!!!!!!

2006-08-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

I got this "special project" at work (that's what you get for doing your stuff fast, then you have time for these little tidbits - LOL). A client complained about their utility billings for his rental pool units (16 Units in 6 different buildings), and now I have the dubious honor of going back over 2 years (that's 24 MONTHS) worth of utility bills, recording the rate of Gas, Water, Electricity, the dates covered on the bill, when and how much we paid, when and how much we recorded, make comments if I notice any discrepancies, overpayments, overcharges... YIKES. Obviously, the other girls have done this before, because they all came over to offer sympathetic glances and helpful advice, spreadsheet templates and files. NOT fun! It took me 5 hours yesterday to do one building, but I'm getting more efficient, because this morning, it ONLY took be 3 and a half to do the next building... sigh. I needed 4 coffees yesterday through this process (you could say I was chain-coffeeing - I know, not a real word... whatever), and the dog didn't even get out to come and be petted... I just hope they won't have too many questions after they get the reports. On the upside, my boss did say she owes me lunch for doing this... LOL.
We got pizza today for lunch, everybody gathered in the lunch room and yacked and stuffed their face. Fun!

old friends

2006-08-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

I got an email from an old friend, and then from another. I worked with these two girls back at IBM and we were very close while we worked together, but then, life happened and I got canned, S. moved away to marry a guy in Brampton, and M.'s mom had health problems and had to be moved to a nursing home. We haven't seen each other in months.. haven't chatted earnestly in over a year. They want to get together next Sat. I feel weird about it. Both of them are Baptists, really practicing their faith, going to church, praying, Bible study (which at one point I went to as well, because I wanted to understand what it's all about and I thought it will bring me peace if I could believe, too. Alas, I couldn't get past the believing in an all powerful being without any evidence for its existence, though I really tried. I felt like a fake.) So, in the past year and a half, my life and my way of thinking has changed a lot. Then, I was seeking, unsure of what to believe, now, I know the philosophy of life, or framework within which I feel comfortable, and it has nothing to do with church and God. I don't really know if I can relate to these girls anymore but I crave the closeness we once had. I also don't want to scare them, because I know, once I start talking about humanism and stuff like that, they'll probably think the devil is speaking through me or something.. LOL. And they'll start praying for my salvation for sure.

Pool Party

2006-08-01T18:16:00.000-07:00

on a day like this, you need a pool! Lydia had two of her little friends over this afternoon and we went to the neighbour's pool. It's an above-ground, not HUGE, not for swimming laps, but it's very, very refreshing to sink into. It's about chest height for an adult, so it's perfect. The girls all grabbed noodles and they splashed and jumped and played. Lydia was showing off her new-found bravery - she jumped farthest and swam under water and dove in unexpectedly, gosh, I'm very proud of her, honest, that she is getting so comfortable in the water, but my heart just jumps every time she is under the water just a bit longer... The other two girls were more cautious, but they certainly all had a good time... hopefully, they got tired enough to sleep well!

Holy Crap it's HOT

2006-07-31T14:18:00.000-07:00

Gosh, this is incredible! The heat is really getting to me, even though I have nothing to complain about: I have ac at work, in my car and at home, and also have two neighbours with pools, so I have some defenses, but it must be the barometric pressure (and probably my up-and-down emotions this past week), and my head is just constantly hurting.
Yesterday's Talk Exchange was interesting; really, really hot topic (Israel), lots of emotions and strong opinions, but I probably would have enjoyed it much more if G. hadn't come... He complained of a headache when I picked him up, so I gave him my Tylenol 3's and I think he took 3... Then he tried to kiss me and I realized he'd been drinking... SHIT! (We have a deal that we won't see each other when he's on a binge, because it's too painful/embarrassing/awful to watch a brilliant mind destroying himself). So on we went to the pub, where he ordered 3 beers, which he really, really didn't need. So towards the end, he slurred his words, he got louder and he didn't listen to anyone else but himself, and I thought I'd just die. I was mad at him, for not being honest, for being so obnoxious, for being a drunk...
J, the new gf showed up towards the end, and the two of us went for an ice cream (it's this FABULOUS place called the Marble Slab - you pick your ice cream flavour, the take a HUGE hunk of it - must be the equivalent of three scoops, and they slap it on this frozen slab and they add any topping you want and mix it in... and put it in a waffle cone!!!! GOSH. J. has been there before, she recommended the place and it was mind-boggling...) I had pistacchio ice cream with as much chocolate in it as they could cram in - choc. chips and oreo cookie pieces and hot fudge on top!!!! J. got chocolate ice cream with marshmallows. She and I talked about stuff along the way, talked about D., mostly, but not in a bad way, she just shared some anecdotes about her date with him and we laughed. And it was ok... and it was fun. I didn't feel jealous at all, which was a relief. We got back to the pub, and the guys were still there, just under the awning, talking, G. slurring words and being very self-important, as most drunks are, so I told him I'm going, if he wants a ride home he better come with me. He stayed behind, talking to poor unsuspecting Peter, while D, J and I walked to my car. D. kissed and hugged me and finally G. was coming as well so we said goodbye to them. I took G. home and I tried to have a talk with him, about the drinking and other things, but it was no use, really... I don't know how much he remembers the day after, or if any of it was even getting through. It makes me sad when he drinks... What a waste of a beautiful mind! I really thought I could handle his drinking, but I don't think I can... As I wrote to my friend Hedy today, I have three part-time guys in my life and they don't make one whole man. OK, I know, it's my fault for not being able to just dump them all and start fresh... I'm weak and I hate myself for it.

Police Stake-out

2006-07-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

So last night, around 10:30, I was leaving my friend's house and he walked me out. I looked to my right and there was a guy, lurking behind a tree, with what looked to me like a camera... I'm like, hey, what the heck is that guy doing there? Then, another guy in dark clothing and a FREAKIN' machine gun in his hand motioned for us to go over to him... I was stunned, but we walked over, since clearly, he was a police officer. I was a bit nervous because we were.. ahem... smoking something not quite legal, so I thought, OK, are we getting busted???? The cop (a young blond, really tough looking guy) asked as where we are from, my friend said the house number. He asked what we are doing, and thankfully, D. had enough presence of mind to answer his questions calmly. He said he was just walking me out to my car. The cop shook his head no and told us there was a report of a person with a gun next door, and to stay off the street and not go back into his house or to my car until we are told it's safe... Then he asked D. a whole bunch of questions about the fence between his house and the neighbours. Then we went over and sat down on the lawn a couple of houses down and watched... it was like the movies. Cops in dark clothes, with bulletproof vests and assault rifles sneaking back and forth, giving hand signals and radio messages to each other, the guy behind the tree kneeling into shooting position several times. We heard shouting and sounds of running, dog barking in the back behind the other house. YIKES! Now, having grown up in a military-centered state, I have a deep-seated, not entirely rational (since I've never been arrested back home, thank goodness) mistrust of the police so I was quite freaked out... I called my sitter on my cell and told her I'll be late and then hugged D. as we sat on the lawn. Finally, about 10 min. later, we walked down towards the other end of the street, and D. asked if we can go back to his house now and the cop said, yup, they are making the arrest right now, so it's safe. As we were walking back, we saw someone being pushed into the back seat of a cop car. I told D. it's always an adventure to see him and we said our goodbyes, but it was certainly not quite the ending to our date I was expecting... I was pretty much wide awake, even though before we left his house, I was ready to fall asleep... so it was after 1 that I finally drifted off.

Happy Baby

2006-07-28T01:22:00.000-07:00

We talked. Had a great discussion about what's going on and about the new girl... and... we're back on. So is the new girl, and she is cool with it. In fact, she wants to be friends. And he is cool with it, and I'm so happy I could fly. I'm keeping my lover and gaining a friend. Perfect.
I have this big grin on my face and I can't sleep... I'll pay for that later at work. But I couldn't care less at the moment.

A new day, a new dawn

2006-07-27T04:13:00.000-07:00

I'm tired but calm. My head hurts. I feel like I'm hung over from emotions. I cried all my tears out, I raged, I wept, I listened to the most heartwrenching songs (unbreak my heart, addicted, behind these hazel eyes, heading west), I went through torrents of emotions, gazed at his picture and cried, I read all my blog entries about my love, re-living the good times and the bad, and I feel this morning I'm done. I still feel a bit of bitterness over how I found out, but maybe that's a blessing in disguise as well - at least I didn't cry in front of him. Getting dumped by the same guy twice would have been a new one for me. So there... I'm done. big breath in... Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm.
My friend Dianne recommended NLP - Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a friend of hers does it and it's supposed to help free up deep, buried emotions that still affect your life... it's kindof a meditation/hypnosis sort of thing, so maybe I'll try it and see why it is that I seem to fall hard for the guys who are unavailable to me.

Gross!

2006-07-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

Vodka tastes AWFUL!!!! I had this bottle for about 4 years now in the basement (which shows how much I drink... lol), and I opened it for this occasion (self-pity party). I put some lemonade in it (you know, Mike's hard lemonade, or something like that). Well, YUCK!!!!! it's disgusting... It's.. bitter or too strong or something... My grandma used to be able to chug it down by the drinking glass, but I guess I'm not a true Russian... sigh... so much for drowning my sorrows in alcohol... I'll just go to bed, sober...

All a matter of perspective

2006-07-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

I talked to a co-worker today, she had surgery (female stuff) and in a couple of months she is going for a mastectomy... And I read J-Girl's post about the loss in her family... and I realized how childish and how self-indulgent my whining and self-pity was yesterday... I'm not beating myself up about it, I felt crappy (still do), but really, how much does this matter in the big picture? Most people who know me had no idea that we were kinda/sorta an item, so I don't have the humiliation of people pitying me or comparing me to the new girlfriend. And, I knew it's not going to be forever, so it's probably better that it ends now than if it ends years from now and hurts even more. And, I'm still alive, he is still alive, and we both can get on with it. Yes, I guess today I'm in a rationalizing/getting over kindof a mood, though knowing myself, it's a slippery slope and I might sink back into the self-pity stuff once again.
Yesterday I had 3 kids again at my place and Lydia got very hyper and excited playing, so at one point, it was just too much. I went outside to the backyard, laid down on the soft grass and looked up at the sky. Blue sky, fluffy, everchanging, lazy soft clouds = instant calm. It was great. I was only lying there for about 10 minutes, but it felt like I had a good sleep or something... I saw shapes in the clouds, then they morphed into some different shapes and there was nothing around me except me and the sky.
I think this will be my new "meditation". When in stress, look up at the sky, day or night.

The end of an affair

2006-07-24T07:33:00.000-07:00

It's over. My short but intense affair with my hot young secret lover is over. I'm feeling really down today, even though I always knew that this relationship wasn't healthy for me, did nothing for my self-esteem, made me feel yearning and pathetic and powerless, except those few blissful moments when we were together. I'm not good with losses. I'm afraid to let go of people and things. Even now, I yearn to be in his arms and be hugged and comforted but I know it can not be. We both knew we had to move on, and he did.
I don't want to hear "it's better this way", or "told you so", or "get over it"... I just want a hug. And a good long cry. Plus, I'm PMS-ing and have 5 zits on my face the last I counted. F@$%!

Sparrow Lake

2006-07-20T18:19:00.000-07:00

Lydia and I spent four days up at G.'s family cottage. It was awesome. We got there on Sunday afternoon (it was almost noon by the time we finally left London, after picking up last-minute things at the drug store, etc.). G. decided to take the long, scenic way, which was much nicer than the relentless traffic on the 401. So the girls (Lydia and G's daughter Grace) settled in in the back seat, with snacks, drinks, books, colouring, stuffed toys, little plastic toys and G.'s laptop to watch a movie on. Still, by the end of the trip, both of them were restless and ready to get out of the car. G.'s mom was there (she lives at the cottage from late spring to fall), so I was a bit apprehensive. She greeted me coolly (G. told me earlier that she does not approve of him seeing anyone yet, the divorce not being final). I gave her one of my cards (a cute little summery card with flip-flops on it), thanking her for inviting us up, and a nice set with Lavender shower gel and body lotion, so that helped thaw her a bit. She is a dear lady, actually, 83 yrs old, tiny, energetic and very sharp. She reads the news and books and keeps up on world events and goes out for lunch with her friends. By the end of the four days, she warmed up to me and we hugged when I left... The cottage is on the Deep Bay of Sparrow Lake. I've never been to the Muskoka region before this, so I really, really enjoyed all the sights (the scenery, the lake, the trees, the beautiful layered rocks) and sounds (first time I heard a loon call in person, I only seen/heard them before on tv). During the day, we spend a LOT of time in the water (G. built a huge waterslide on a raft for the kids to jump and slide into the water). Lydia was very cautious at first, but on the second day, she was jumping off the raft like a pro and even tried the slide!!!! Heck, it was scary for me, and she just decided she's gonna do it and she did. She was sooo cute and sooo proud that she did it. Both girls got a nice tan, despite all my efforts to slop sunscreen on them. The second night, G. and I were sitting on the dock, listening to the water gently lapping, the birds, nature... and then, the skies were getting darker and darker, the wind stronger and stronger, and all of a sudden, there was forked lightning tearing through the gray sky, and we experienced a Muskoka storm. It was gorgeous, and it came upon us so quickly that by the time we felt the rain is picking up and ran for the cottage, within seconds, the clouds exploded and we got soaked and fell into the cottage, giggling like two naughty kids. The next morning, it was all done - the lake was crystal clear and so calm, the sky was blue and the sun came up with the promise of a perfect day. We took the girls to the Muskoka Wildlife sanctuary, a place where injured wild animals, or those who can not be released into the wild live. We were introduced to an opossum named Indiana, a lady in the states found a few baby possums and thought they would make great pets. But she didn't feed them the right foods (fed them with canned cat food), and some of them died, and Indiana was sent to the reserve, where they discovered she has some bone damage because of the poor diet. Indiana was sooo cute, ugly, but cute, hanging on to the girl's ranger shirt with all four paws and tail. We saw two wolverines (one rescued from a petting zoo, another found as an abandoned baby and raised by humans), a black bear, a cougar, a lynx, a bobcat, three wolves, a moose (did you know that a moose can run faster than a horse and can swim and dive down up to 6 meters under water?????) three bald eagles (all with sad tales of injured or amputated wing, blind eye, injured foot, so clearly they would not be able to survive in the wild). The beavers didn't come out, even though we spent a great deal of time peering down into the area where their dam was blocking up a pretty little stream. The girls enjoyed learning about all the animals and of course had to pick up two plush animals, Grace chose a lynx and Lydia "adopted" a wolf. In the evenings, we went on a Gator ride (a small all-terrain vehicle), all through the woods, looking for pretty rocks and plants, armed with bugspray and flyzappers. I'm obsessed with ferns. I think I have to say that fern is my favourite plant. I collected about five different kinds of fern leaves and pressed them into my book, and I'm sure there were more, but the deerflies were upon us and we had to go. I found rocks layered in black and white, or pink with sparkly quartz, sharp-edged newly blasted ones and round ones that have been tumbled by ice glaciers some long long time ago. We had a bonfire one night, with smores and G. playing his guitar. Then, after watching a movie with the girls and tucking them into bed, we would go and sit out on the dock, talking and taking in the amazing starry sky. When I first went out in the darkness and looked up, it took my breath away... you don't realize in the city how the lights affect your ability to see them, but there, there was hardly any interference and you could clearly see the Dippers, Orion's belt, Mars, and the last night I was there, we were lucky enough to see some shooting stars! G. and I were great together, so calm and quiet and peaceful, and he was very attentive and romantic. All in all, I wished we could have stayed longer, and obviously, Lydia did too, because she threw a huge tantrum before we left... So G. and Grace ended up escorting us out of the cottage area and coming into Orillia with their car and having lunch with us before we said our final goodbyes.

Temporary outage

2006-07-16T05:44:00.000-07:00

I'll be at a friend's cottage starting today in Muskoka, coming back on Thursday, so I probably won't have access to the internet and blogging there. Have a great week everybody, talk/blog to you when I get back. Hugs, flames.

Who let the dog out?

2006-07-15T05:01:00.000-07:00

this week, the boss and his wife were back at the office, after being away on vacation last week. As usual, E. (the wife) brought Holly, their beautiful Sheltie with her to work. Holly was born last Christmas (hence the name), and she is adorable and she knows it. (for those who don't know what a Sheltie looks like - I didn't either before getting to know Holly - it's like the dog from Lassie but smaller.) All day, she hangs out in E.'s office, laying down in different positions all over the floor, and from time to time someone goes by and announces to the people in cubicles what Holly is doing: like "Dead dog" - passed out on the floor; "upside down dog" - belly up in the air, paws against E.'s desk; "Cute dog" - pretty much any position she is in, especially when she sits there with head slightly tilted to the side... awwww. She usually waits until E. is on the phone with a client and then she starts chewing one of her squeaky toys for sound effects. The only active times in her office day are when she arrives and everyone makes a fuss over her (all you can hear is enthusiastic panting from Holly, and a constant "down" "down" command from E, who is trying to train her not to jump on people); when she goes out to pee with M, the boss; and when for some miraculous reason (she is not allowed to jump on the baby gate separating her from the rest of the office) the gate "accidentally" falls and she gets out. On Thursday this happened twice and Holly was in a playful mood. Everybody got involved in hunting her down, property managers running down the halls and accounting clerks chasing her between cubicles. Holly had a BLAST! Once in a while she looked back at us and she had a big grin on her face. Finally, M. caught her at the other end of the office and carried her back, and she was still grinning and panting happily. Yesterday I was heading to the printer when she arrived so I was in the entrance area. Holly likes me, so she headed straight to me. After greeting me with constant tail-wagging, she threw herself down, belly up, for me to rub her belly. E. immediately commented: Holly, really, how dignified of you, demanding to be rubbed, showing your private parts; and then to my surprise, added: just like your mom in her early days! (now for this to be really funny, envision E.: she is a lady, through and through, even on "casual" days you'd never catch her wearing anything scruffy, she is always put together nicely, fashionable yet conservative, lipstick and nails done.) It was a fun start to a busy day.

In a funk

2006-07-14T18:25:00.000-07:00

it started out with one bit of bad news (not so bad, just not great...) G. said we are not leaving to the cottage on Saturday, have to wait til Sunday. OK. Then A. said I can't take the new car, and he is right, it makes sense to rack up the km's in the old one, and get stonechips and whatever can happen on a long road. sigh. Then yesterday I went to this meeting I go to, and my lover was there and he was very distant and rejecting, and then he asked me if I was OK... Yeah, I'm fine... except you are killing me, is what I wanted to say, instead, I said I had a headache, which was true but not the entire story. After the meeting, I went to G.'s apt and he asked what was wrong. I told him (he knows about lover, so it wasn't news to him, but I guess he didn't really realize the extent of my feelings (or insecurities) regarding him. He asked me a question that made me think hard: Why do you allow him to have such power over you? Why indeed. I don't know. Somehow he has the ability to completely unbalance me, make me keep yearning for something I'll never have. I don't even think (at least I really, really hope) he is doing it on purpose, he is just being himself and I'm just being yanked around by his moods (or his perceived moods, or my moods associated with him... fuck, it's too confusing... my therapist said a long time ago that he is not good for me, not because of who he is, but because of how I feel about him... but I thought, oh no, he can't possibly know how I feel. Because when I'm finally with him, in private, even when we are not having sex, not even touching, just doing something as mundane as watching a show on the couch, or talking, I just feel... like I'm soaring. My heart sings, I'm giddy and happy and so relieved to be finally with him. And when he touches me... sigh... I fall apart, but in a good way... and go home happy, drunk with his love, and I'm happy until the next time I see him, when, inevitably, he is distant and rejecting, or just... not interested. The best way to desribe it is, when he does want to spend time with me, it's like a bright light shining on me and when he is done with me, I fade into the background with all the other people in his life, because by then, it's someone else's turn to be in the spotlight (not even necessarily a woman, just any friend). I talked to him about this (or, I attempted to talk to him, though he is clearly not comfortable talking about his feelings, or mine for that matter). I asked him if I should just forget we ever were close, and he said, believe me, if I wanted you out of my life I would tell you. He assured me he has feelings for me, considers me a close friend with benefits (and, a lover with benefits), and those are the only words I go by when I lose hope - that at least he didn't tell me to f... off. I'm pathetic, truly...
And there is G. He is so understanding and kind and loving... yet my heart doesn't sing when I'm with him. I love him, and I love talking to him, love being with him, and I feel so comfortable and sheltered in his arms, cuddled up against his tall frame. And I'm not afraid of telling him the truth, and disagreeing, and ribbing him about stuff and laughing. I can be who I am with him (and even braver than usual) and it feels great.
Do I want too much? Am I looking for someone who doesn't exist???? A guy who makes my heart sing AMD knocks my socks off AND yet feels comfortable to the point where I can tease him and even disagree and argue, knowing that I'm safe in his love?
Someone told me once that marriage (or a relationship) is like a raisin loaf. You have to take the whole thing, not just pick out the raisins, because then, you pick it apart and there will be nothing left. Do I want too many raisins?

Is it me?

2006-07-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone else ever feels this way, but a lot of times, when something happens (I'm talking about interpersonal relationships of all kinds), I immediately assume that I said/did something that made the other person upset with me and that's why there is limited or no contact. For example, these last few days, I was trying to contact a friend of mine and she didn't call me back. In my head, I knew that she is busy, tired, or whatever, but in the back of my brain this annoying little nagging voice piped up: YOU must have said something to offend her. You probably shouldn't have said (whatever it is that I said last time we met that was slightly maybe could be construed as offensive by someone who is completely hyper-sensitive, which none of my friends are). The voice is completely irrational and sometimes just plain stupid, but if I let it (and before therapy, I used to let it), it takes over the entire head and I obsess about it for days... This time, I tried to stomp the stupid little nag down, and it mostly did stay down, and then this morning, we exchanged emails with my friend, and as usual, it had NOTHING, absolutely nothing to do with anything I said or did, she was really just tired and busy and slightly depressed and didn't feel like talking to people. Totally understandable, and the normal, rational part of me knew that... I can't believe how much hard work it's taking to stomp that little nag down though... hopefully it will get easier with practice. I even visualized this whiny, nagging little thing popping up and me bonking it on the head to make it disappear. LOL.

Getting older

2006-07-10T05:17:00.000-07:00

yup, I'm 38 years old today. I'm not too wigged out about it, my gloomyness has nothing to do with my age or this particular day. I just don't like myself very much these days, and I only have myself to blame. So, a few Birthday resolutions (since I don't do New Year ones):
1. By this time next year, I will be living apart from my husband. I know, I said this before, and then I backtracked, but a few things happened this weekend that made me realize I've been deluding myself thinking we could live in the same house still.
2. As of today, I will start eating healthier. My pants are getting tight again and I don't feel good when I look at myself in the mirror. So, I will weigh myself today (for the shock value - LOL) and work on reducing the number on the scale.
3. I will be a more consistent mother. I've been too soft on Lydia (sometimes because of plain laziness and depression, sometimes because of guilt, sometimes just because I didn't want to upset her, but kids need rules, consistent ones, and she definitely needs more sleep. So, earlier bedtime and no more caving in to whining).
4. I will love myself more in this coming year. Not do stuff that makes me feel rotten and guilty. Not run after a cart that won't pick me up. Do less stuff that I "have to", or to please people who can not be pleased, and more stuff I want to, or need for my sanity.

Well, I think this is good. I feel better already.
Happy Birthday to me.

Sunfest

2006-07-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

I LOVE the Sunfest! I go every year!!!! And it's here, this weekend. Mom have been nagging me to bring Lydia over to have dinner at their house this week, but I really, really had no desire to sit and talk with Michael about the Bible. So I came up with the brilliant idea to take her, Lydia and Leila (of course) to the Sunfest this evening. Oh, it was great! We browsed all the little shops, had thai food at a little stand (really nice fresh spring rolls, yum), the girls had ice cream and hot dogs (in that order). Listened to the exotic music, touched all the clothes, baskets, statues, drummed on all the little drums, shook all the bamboo sticks and the dried gourds filled with seeds, signed petitions to release unfairly imprisoned writers (Amnesty International had a booth there with all the stories of these people). Drank lemonade, peered at all the funky jewellery, bought little treats for the girls (they wanted little embroidered coin purses and tiny wooden ladybugs with bobbing heads). Sat in a canvas hammock chair (we all agreed it was uncomfortable, but it was nice sitting down for a minute). Mom was not sure about the petitions, but when I explained that these people were persecuted because of what they believed in and wrote about, she signed a couple, too. AND, she COMPLEMENTED me on the PANTS I was wearing!!!! (She usually sighs and makes a comment about how much better a woman looks in a skirt, because that's what Michael would say, but a couple of hours away from his influence and my real mom was shining through!!!!). I said thank you and that she looked very nice, too. She also asked how I was doing and how Andy is behaving, and now that I think of it, she never asked me once if I was praying!!!!! Yeeeeey! It was a lovely evening.

marriages

2006-07-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm harping on this, again... another marriage on the rocks, though there is still hope for them, at least they are communicating...
I have these four Hungarian friends. We are each others' confidants, support network, cheering team, therapists, everything. We exchange emails every day, and chat on msn when we can (timing - the 6-hour time difference sucks- ,kids, work, schedules, families, etc. permitting).
Two of these girls I've never met, they were my friend Hedy's friends at university.
First gir, let's call her Ursa. Married to a guy who studies the sun for a living at the Meteorology Institute in Hungary. They have a six-year-old daughter. Ursa is a nature scientist/artist/creative person. She worked at the Budapest Zoo, worked at the Conservation Authority to protect rare wildlife and plantlife in Hungary. Now she started a radio with a bunch of people. She is amazing. Her husband is an animal. Very funny guy on email, but he swears (every second word is fuck or some such thing), burps, farts, whatever, and also (as most Central- and Eastern European men) very pessimistic in his outlook. Ursa did love him, once. She doesn't anymore. They just "exist" in the same house, and Ursa, well, she did have a few intimate friends to make it a bit easier. We were teasing her lots because she has just experienced her first orgasm a few months ago, with the help of a new friend's deft fingers. She is 35 ys old. (what I wanted to know is, what kind of men did she sleep with before if she'd never had one with any of them????). So, the marriage of two creative, brilliant, scientific minds is NOT ideal.
The second girl: Joanna. She comes from a wealthy family and her husband (a handsome hunk of a guy) probably married her for money (not my opinion, others who actually know the couple told me). Their life is mostly shopping, taking vacations (sometimes with their two boys, sometimes as a couple), they get a new car every couple of years, she regularly changes the furniture and decor in her home. On the outside, they probably look like the golden family, they have it all, great jobs, money, house, kids, cars, everything. So why does Joanna's heart soar and knees get week when she sees this certain "friend", a doctor (also married)? They were only intimate once in the few years they've known each other, they are afraid that it could become very serious between them, yet they still meet, unable to let go of each other, and also unable to let go and just see where their passion would lead... And, btw. last year, Joanna caught her oh-so-handsome husband red-handed with an 18-year-old girl... He does nothing around the house and leaves all the decisions, the child-raising, the housework, everything to her.
The third, you've heard about her before, is Hedy. She lives in Guelph now, with her depressed husband. They've found out recently that they will not be able to have children, due to his very low sperm count. Their doctor recommended surgery to repair a broken blood vessel in one of his testicles, thinking it might improve things, but he decided he doesn't want to do that. She sees that as a deliberate sabotage of their chance to have a child, so that doesn't improve things one bit. He is also one of those immigrants who think he is too good for Canada, and constantly pines to go back to Europe. Hedy wants nothing to do with that, she loves it here, found a good job, found friends, and doesn't want to go somewhere and start over yet again. Since they only have sex every blue moon, (if that), Hedy is also seeing someone on the side.
And there is me, you know what my life is like if you've read my previous posts.
And then there is Silvie. Beautiful, strong Silvie who all through our belly-aching and torrid affairs and husband-bashing, maintained that her boyfriend wonderful, caring and faithful, their relationship is equal, supportive and amazing, and to top it all off, they just had a gorgeous baby girl! But while she was pregnant, Silvie's mom was diagnosed with cancer, and it seemed to have spread through her body very quickly, and the doctors pretty much have given up on her. Now she has a newborn and her dying mother to take care of, a grieving and angry father to support emotionally, her own feelings and post-natal hormones to deal with and her boyfriend just dropped the ultimatum: He is tired of "always giving and giving and never receiving" and if Silvie doesn't move back home right away, (she's been living with her parents since the baby was born to be close to the mother she doesn't have much time left with), he will start sleeping with the charming divorcee next door.
Silvie sent out a "HELP!!!" email to ask our opinions and we all immediately sent her our support and love and advice, encouraging her and telling her that it's a good thing that he actually came to her to tell her this, and not just started sleeping with the woman without any discussion. She's decided to move home immediately, but feels torn and guilty for not being able to be there for her mom. But, I ask you, why can he not see the situation she is in? Why is he making her choose NOW, when he knows (it's pretty obvious at this point) that her mom will not last long? Why is it always up to the woman to make the hard decisions and sacrifice?????
I don't know..... yet again, my belief (that little that was left) in the institution of marriage is shaken. Is it just because I don't happen to have a lot of good examples around me? Or is it that there IS no such thing as happily ever after? Or at least, foor richer for poorer, in sickness and in health? I know you can't possibly be happy all the time, but at least supporting and kind to each other, or if nothing else, at least not hurting the other?

Crickets

2006-07-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

Well, G. and his daughter went up to the cottage for a week, they'll meet G.'s son (from a prev. marriage, he is 22) and G.'s mom. So G. gave me keys to go to his apt. and feed the fish and the lizards. The fish are a no-brainer, we have a fishtank, too, sprinkle some flaky fish food into the tank and they are all set. Not so the lizards. G. promised he'll feed them before he leaves, so I only have to feed them once, but forgot that it was Canada day on Sat, and all the stores were closed. So today, on my lunch hour (I debated whether to have my lunch first and then go, or leave the lunch for after the ordeal, but I was hungry and I figured I'll have no stomach for my sandwich later... I was right). So, I went to Pet Paradise, the place for the pinhead (XS size) crickets. I was of course, immediately distracted by puppies, kittens, guinea pigs, bunnies, and all kinds of CUTE and FURRY animals. There was an orange kitten that TOTALLY wanted to come home with me, and a black Scottish fold kitten (they are the ones that have ears like a dog's, the tip hangs over the ear, it's adorable) wanted to come as well, but I resisted the urge. Instead I went over to the reptile and other disgusting pets section (NOT furry, well, except the tarantulas, but DEFINITELY NOT cute), and asked the girl there to get me 50 (!) crickets. She was very brave, she scooped them out with her hands!!!!! EWWWWW. Wouldn't want THAT job... She put them into a bag, with a piece of an egg carton thrown in, which they immediately used to hide in. I paid $4 for them, too much for such disgusting things if you ask me.... LOL. So I went over to G's apartment, opened all the windows to air it out a bit while I was there. Fed the fish, that was the easy part. Then, carefully, VERY CAREFULLY opened the top of the terrarium, cut open the top of the bag and quickly dumped the crickets in. Thankfully, they slid out of the bag, egg carton and all. That's when I realized I should have dusted them with the mineral supplement for the anoles (the type of lizards G. has), but I definitely wasn't gonna take them back out, even if I could... So the anoles will have to make do with "unspiced" prey this time. Lizzie and Matt (Grace named the lizards, of course) immediately went for the feast, happily crunching away on the crickets, who were desperately trying to find their bearings and hide under the mulch and rocks in the terrarium. They weren't fast enough, Lizzie and Matt both had a good lunch, but I didn't stay around to watch the entire thing. After I made sure they are eating, I left them to their gory feast. I did make Grace's bed and tidied up her room, she had laundry all over her bed and her books and toys scattered. Next time I have to feed the things, on Friday, I'll make G.'s bed too. And MAYBE fold his socks.... LOL. I miss him. We talk almost every night on the phone, about our day and all kinds of stuff. I love the man's mind, what can I say? I have a weakness for intelligent men. I will even buy crickets for them! LOL

bits and bites

2006-07-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

about this weekend.
Andy was home and on Friday he was on the war path. He really can't handle Lydia at all. Her whining puts him over the edge very quickly and he responds with a sudden outburst that terrifies her. She made a scene at Tiger Jacks (we took her and Leila out for Lydia's bday, and that's her favourite restaurant). They were both whining about how long it's taking to get the food, even though they got Shirley Temples to sip on and crayons and colouring pages to do. Then the food arrived, and about five minutes later, Lydia started screaming that her lip hurts (she had a fever and her lip was dry and the ketchup and the spicy fries irritated them). I forgot the lip balm at home. Andy tried to suggest to put ice cube on it, or sip the cold water, I gently wiped it with the napkin and blew on it, but she still screamed, making a lot more noise then was warranted, frankly. She demanded that I go home for the lip balm, and I said, no, you need to wait until we are all finished eating, try sipping the cold water until then. She lost it. She whined and cried and carried on, until Andy threw his fork down and asked for the bill. We didn't finish eating, half the food was left, we stormed out, Andy angry, Lydia crying, Leila quiet as a mouse, I was scared so I made sure to keep up with Andy to keep an eye on him and Lydia. After we got home, I put the lip balm on her and she was fine. Half and hour later she wanted to eat, but I was mad at her for making such a scene, so I just gave her crackers. Andy went into my room and closed the door and was there for the rest of the night. After I took Leila home, Lydia was whining, but I put her to bed earlier and had a chat about making such a scene.
The next day (Saturday), we all went to the beach, pretended we were a family, it was actually pretty nice, we made a sandcastle and swam far out with Lydia in her floaty.
Sunday was the Talk Exchange, it was a good discussion, and everybody had lots to say about whether we are evolving ethically and morally as human beings. It's amazing how much evidence there is that we are, indeed getting better, but there is as much evidence to suggest, as someone said, that we are six meals away from anarchy. It's true - when it comes to basic survival, we are all creatures of instinct.
That same night, the family down the street had a "School is Out" party, so Lydia was there while I was at the Talk Exchange, and I went back there after - it was fun, about 8 kids and as many parents, bbq, salads, desserts, pinata for the kids, it was great. We all sat around and talked, the kids were playing under the sprinklers in the back yard. Still, she wasn't tired when we got home, so it took me a while to coax her into bed. How do kids get all this energy??? Cuz I want some.
Today again, I took them to the beach, Leila came too, and another mom from the street with her two girls. I'm beat, but it was a nice long weekend.

Big Smile

2006-07-03T07:14:00.000-07:00

on my face, my earlier frustration gone, after a visit to the Stag Shop. I got three different kind of bullets that I can attach to the vibrator base I have. They are all a pretty blue with a gel-like plastic covering, one is a large, almost egg-shape one, one is a longish thin one that's similar to the ones I'd had before, and one is a tiny one (that's a really powerful little buzzer... mmmm). I tried the egg just after I got home and aaaahhhh, sooooo niiiiice! LOL. I'm all set for a bit.

Frustrated

2006-06-29T10:37:00.000-07:00

Barb, not for your delicate sensibilities. Consider yourself warned.

I think I lost it!!!! My ability to... ahem... bring myself to satisfaction... these days, I'm horny as heck, and I'm usually very orgasmic (multi, actually, not to brag, but I'm very, very easy to... ermm... please). So the last three times I tried, NOTHING. I come THIS close, I feel the little buzz in my head and then that beatiful rush that's supposed to come after, just doesn't happen. Usually, I'm quite "utilitarian" about this, when I'm doing it on my own. I just get into bed, turn the lights off, turn my little buzzing bullet on and dive south. 5, max 10 minutes, I'm done and off to sleep with a smile on my face. Not these days... sniff. I thought it was my bullet, maybe the battery is dying. Changed them to good Duracell ones... NOPE. Then I thought, OK, I'll just work on it a bit more. I put on a sexy teddy and caressed myself sensuously before getting serious. NOPE! Not even my favourite fantasy managed to put me over the edge. Then I thought, NOW I'm MAD. I just put the bullet against my clit and left it there, no matter how intense it got. Again, got JUST THIS close, then nothing. Seriously, I'm worried. I'm afraid to try again tonight. Maybe I'll give it a few days rest and see. Sigh... Meanwhile, I have this uncomfortable little cramp now, deep inside me. FRUSTRATING.

At home

2006-06-28T05:05:00.000-07:00

with a pukey kid. Lydia woke up at 3 am yesterday morning, puking and with a high fever, which continued throughout the day yesterday. She was looking a bit better last night and was able to keep some pasta down and some Gatorade (which I usually don't keep in the house, but it's good for electrolytes, so she thought it was a treat!), so I thought she was over it, but this morning, she woke up again with a fever. She is a pro though, she has this little bucket and whenever she needs to puke, she just grabs it, so I didn't have to change bedding at all! Good girl! She slept for most of the day yesterday, which was great, it helped her heal and gave me a chance to lie down with her, since I was pretty beat as well.
btw, it's amazing how many people are up at 3 am - I was looking for the address and phone number of a 24hr Shoppers, and I went on msn just out of curiosity... well, G. was up, my friend in NY was up, I was like, do you guys ever sleep???? So after Lydia feel asleep again, G. and I had a phone conversation about old WWI German helmets. We looked them up on ebay and G. was telling me which ones were fake and which ones were authentic, and little interesting bits of information about the era and the type of soldier who would wear them. There was one with a bullet hole through it, I wondered if the wearer died or the bullet hole went in when no one was wearing it... It didn't say in the details. When I see old things like that, I often wonder about the people who owned/used them. I love browsing antique and garage sales, though I rarely buy the stuff, I have nowhere to put it or display it to its advantage... G. LOVES WWI helmets, he already has two and if he sees an interesting one, he'll buy it, but he is not too sentimental over it, if he gets a good offer, he'll sell it, too. So finally around 4, we both went back to bed.

All is well in my blog world...

2006-06-25T18:36:00.000-07:00

my side bar is again where it should be! Without any interference from me! Whew, another dogded HTML editing! LOL.

And I give you:
Another stolen meme from J-Girl. Thanks, J-Girl!

1)How old do you wish you were?
Not sure... Younger, perhaps, but with the same life experience and knowledge... hmm. OK, 27.
2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
At work. We all had the internet and the radio on all day and nobody was working. A guy even joked: the terrorists did a great job of grinding the economy to a halt.
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Depends on how much I wanted the thing I was going for. If it's a bottle of water on a hot day and I'm thirsty, I kick it (not too hard, but just to let it know I'm pissed). If it's a chocolate bar I didn't really need, I shrug my shoulder and tell myself I deserve it.
4) Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes.
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be?
Somewhere on my body I could easily cover with clothes... small of my back probably. I love those designs that look kinda tribal, all spiky yet pretty at the same time. But I will never get one because 1. I don't really believe in tattoos 2. I'm a complete chicken when it comes to needles.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language what would it be?
German (it actually came up today and I realized how I miss it, I used to speak it but I forgot), French (because a lot of good jobs are bi-lingual) or Japanese (I always thought it would be a great challenge).
7) Do you know your neighbors?
Yes. The ones beside us have a loud little boy called Sean who I love even despite his annoying voice. The ones across the street are a Hungarian/Canadian couple with a pair of adorable 13 month-old twins, a boy and a girl... AWWWWW. Whenever I have an urge to hold a baby, I go there. And then cheerfully give it back to the mom.
8)What do you consider a vacation?
an overnight stay (preferably more than one night) with a beach nearby, where I don't have to do cooking or housework.
9) Do you follow your horoscope?
No, it's so silly.
10) Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes
11) Are you touchy feely?
OOOOH YEAH. I loove to cuddle and get physical.
12) Do you believe that opposites attract?
Yes, but only briefly.
13) Dream job?
Something meaningful and mentally challenging, with lots of variety.
14) Favorite channel(s)
The Women's Network, Discovery and (ashamed to admit) the Weather Channel
15) Favorite place to go on a weekend?
Beach, back deck, neighbours for a chat and on Sunday nights, the Talk Exchange
16) Showers or Bath.
Showers.
17) Do you paint your nails?
Sometimes. I think painted toenails are sexy.
18) Do you trust people easily?
Yes
19) What are your phobias?
Needles
20) Do you want kids?
Have one, and I don't want any more.
21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
No. Typing is faster.
22) Where would you rather be right now?
Somewhere far away with mountains and ocean. Victoria came up in a conversation today and though I've never been there, it sounds awesome.
23) What makes you feel warm and safe?
A long, close hug from someone I love.
24) Heavy or light sleep?
Heavy with a loud snore
25) Are you paranoid?
Sometimes
26) Are you impatient?
Not really, except when PMS-ing

oops, I just noticed there is no 27... hmmm. where did it go... need to check j-girl's blog.
Nope, no 27 there either...

28 ) How do you feel about interracial couples?
Good for them! If there were more like them, maybe there wouldn't be a need for a question like this.
29) Have you been burned by love?
Burned, no, not really.
30) Whats your life motto??
Live and let live.
31) What's your main ringtone on your mobile?
Just a generic ring, nothing special. Number 6 on the original menu, I think.
32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping.
33) Who was your last text message from?
I don't get text messages, I cancelled that service a long time ago, it was $5 a month and I rarely used it.
34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
My own.
35) What color shirt are you wearing?
Light turquoise blue.
37) Name five things you have on you at all times?
bra, panties, glasses, top, bottom... I mean, daytime, when I'm out. Nighttime and at home, I might not have five things on.
38.) What color are your bed sheets?
Blue
40) What is your favorite part of chicken?
Thighs.
41) What's your favorite town/city?
I have many. I like Toronto, London (ON) in Canada, Munich and Garmish-Partenkirchen in Germany, Suzdahl in Russia, Budapest in Hungary.
42) I cant wait till...
I can hug him again
43) Who got you to join myspace?
I didn't. I stole this from J-Girl's blog
44) What did you have for dinner last night?
Watermelon
45) How tall are you barefoot?
163 centimeters
46) Have you ever smoked crack?
No
47) Do you own a gun?
Absolutely not.
48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee with lots of milk
49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
My not so secret weapon is my boobs. My more subtle secret weapon is my mind.
50) Do you have A.D.D.?
No
51) What time did you wake up today?
7, then I realized it's the weekend and went back to bed til 9
52) Current worry?
Will I ever have the courage to move out?
53) Current hate?
I don't hate anyone or anything.
54) Favorite place to be?
In my lover's arms.
55) Where would you like to travel?
Oh, I can't even list... Egypt, Scotland, Italy, Morocco, Japan... etc. etc.
56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
Anywhere but here.
57) last thing you ate?
A slice of Hawaiian pizza at the Alex P. Keaton pub.
58) What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't sing in the shower. I save my singing for the car. There, I sing whatever is on the CD.
59) Last person that made you laugh?
Derek from the Talk Exchange
60) Worst injury you've ever had?
Broke my right ankle when I was 12. I was trying to get away from a guy who was showing "himself" to me and as I was desperately trying to get far away from him on my bike, I fell. And, he came to "help" me, with his enormous penis hanging out of his shorts, and he picked me up, fondled me everywhere and deposited me in front of our apartment building. I was screaming the whole time, but nobody was on the street to help me. I don't know why he didn't rape me, I guess I was either lucky, too loud, or that wasn't his intention to begin with. I didn't tell my parents how it all happened until I was in my twenties. My ankle was in a cast for six weeks.
61) Does someone have a crush on you?
hmmm. I hope so.
62) What is your favorite candy?
Werthers.

2006-06-25T11:31:00.000-07:00

Party Pictures

2006-06-25T11:29:00.000-07:00

Party Pictures

2006-06-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

My Party Girl

2006-06-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a big day for Lydia. In the morning, we had our annual garage sale - a lot of houses on the street participate, we put up big signs and advertise in the paper. We usually keep it short and sweet - from 8 to noon, no longer, especially yesterday, since we were expecting 7 kids for 2. Lydia wanted to do a lemonade stand, we put out a little table, she made the sign the night before - LEMONADE 50c. I made the lemonade (the simple way, with frozen concentrate, pink and yellow). She was soooo excited. She got up around 8:30, she ran out to see the garage sale in her pj-s, then I came in with her and helped her look for her lemonade t-shirt (a pink elephant on a purple shirt, and it says Lemonade 15c. - must be an old design... LOL). Then she sat out, and was really disappointed because people were coming by with coffees in their hands, and nobody wanted to buy lemonade. Finally, the neighbours across the street bought a cup, then Andy took pity on her, then I suddenly got the urge for a refreshment (the other people were right - coffee and lemonade DON'T go together.). Then slowly, as the morning got warmer and more people came, she had some traffic. All she made was $6, but she was very happy with that. After we packed up the garage sale, we went to pick up her cake (Fairytopia Barbie), had a quick lunch and made the sandwiches and veggie tray for the party. She was a great helper, putting out the plates and cups on the deck on the table, but she kept coming up with things that we could do: Mommy, can we put up christmas lights? Mommy, can we make different kinds of sandwiches for everybody (other than the 5 kinds I was already making), Mommy, can I take a look at my cake (for the fifteenth time), so at one point, I lost it, slammed the fridge door and said NO, you can't look at the cake - I was afraid she will drop it. She of course started bawling, so I comforted her, said I was sorry, and sent her outside to help Andy fill up the water balloons. Finally, it was time for the party, Erin arrived, then the little girl down the street, Alyssa (5), without her 7 yr old sister, Kareana, who was having a total FIT about her bathing suit... (see, it starts early - bathing suits are very stressful things). Then my friend Dianne showed up with her two kids, Kyle (5), the only boy, and Hannah (7). Kyle was shy at first, uncharacteristically, but warmed up soon enough. Keana (10) came, too, and finally, Leila showed up, too. Yeeey! Everybody got juice or ice tea, and then Keana said: Umm.. I think Lydia should be allowed to open one present at the beginning of the party - mine. I said, OK, one present. And... IT WAS A POOL!!!!! A crocodile sprinkle blow-up pool. Of course we had to blow it up (thank goodness for the air compressor Andy has), and put water in it, then we set up the Sponge Bob sprinkler and put out the two baskets of water balloons. The kids had a great fight, then lounged in the pool, played under the sprinkler, while Kyle did his best to spray everybody out of a spray bottle and a water gun (adults included). The girls of course squealed, Kyle did his evil laugh, everybody had a great time. Then we put out the sandwiches, Dianne and Andy helped, the pizza arrived and was DEVOURED in about 5 minutes. Some more play, then finally it was time for cake and presents. She got spoiled, as usual, and was very happy with her new toys. I was ready for the kids to leave though by the time the parents started showing up, but everybody had such a great time that they kept begging to stay, so we ended up entertaining some of the parents, too (thankfully I had some beer in the fridge), but it was ok. We sat in the shade on the deck and the kids played some more. It was an exhausting but very fun day. I was ready for bed around 10:30, but Lydia insisted she wasn't tired (kept rubbing her eyes and yawning, but still, wouldn't go to bed), she wanted to play with her new toys. But as soon as we got her settled on the couch with her pjs on with her blankey and turned on the tv, she was out in five minutes.

What is HAPPINESS?

2006-06-21T18:23:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this a lot. Who is really and truly happy? What are those qualities that are common to happy people? I'm not talking about fake / always-idiotically-grinning / annoyingly cheerful people. I'm talking about those who weather life's storms with a calmness that makes them stand out, those who make their decisions with quiet yet strong confidence, those who don't start crying or freaking out over small every-day annoyances. Those who are... serene... maybe. Although serene is a weak word - it assumes that the person is quiet and passive. Is happiness simply ignoring the problems and going with the flow? Is happiness just accepting your lot in life and not look too much into your own soul to see what's missing? Is happiness finding a cause and throwing yourself into it to the extent that everything else will seem unimportant? Certainly, zealously religious people seem to do this and they seem happy. Activists, volunteers, those who do stuff for their community seem happy.
And, I thought often: do I want too much? I want a job that fulfills and makes me feel like I'm doing something important. I want a husband who is home and there for me in every sense of the word, a true life partner who I can talk to and love and be loved by. I want a kid who is not so stubborn. I want a mother who listens and doesn't try to preach at me. And yet, how many people in this world are lonely, childless or orphaned? And, if I would have all those things, would I be finally happy? Or would I then look for more alone time, privacy, a more assertive child, a mother who is not so involved in my life?
I have a friend who divorced a couple of years ago and she is now in a new relationship. Whereas her ex was aloof and distant and commitment- and closeness-phobic, this new man can't get enough of her presence and she finds the constant attention suffocating.
If there is such a thing as "happy medium", how come it's not in the same place for everyone? How can we find it, capture it and keep it, so it stays with us always?
I never had a problem finding happiness in moments of time... but I'm unhappy with my life overall, and yet too scared to change it. How do I get past the fear? Is being fearless equals being happy?

The fat girl's guide...

2006-06-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

to buying a swimsuit.
Sigh.. it's that time of year again. For normal people, it means beach, really skimpy clothing, bikinis, ice cream, barbecues, parties. For the fat girl, it means trying not to sweat enough to melt away into a puddle, trying to wear light enough clothing but not show too much, and for the beach, ahhh yes, the beach... wearing these "outfits" that can not really be called swimsuits. More like body armour disguised as swimsuits. You can get all kinds: suits that look like little skirts and tank tops, suits that look more like a dress, suits with enough "tummy" control to take your breath away, and best of all, suits with HUGE, funny-looking shaped cups cleverly hidden inside to supposedly hold your boobs in. NOT. Before you know it, your boobs are hanging UNDER the cups or peek out to the sides or if you - and the guys who happened to be around - are lucky, they threaten to spill out on top.
A few years ago, I tried to beat the system and defiantly wore my actual shorts and a tank top (one of those with the shelf bra inside) to the beach, but they take too long to dry and people look at you like you're trash for swimming in your clothes. I could only get away with it when Lydia was a baby and I just sat on the shore with her with the water gently lapping around us - that was ok. But now that she is a big girl and discovered how fun it is to jump the waves and go deeper in for a nice soak, I can't legitimately do that anymore.
So this year, I decided to get an actual swimsuit. I already have one with the little skirt and top, but it looks more like a tennis outfit than anything else, and I thought, surely, the selection has improved in the past couple of years...
My first trip was to Sears. OK. I understand, I'm a big girl. Size 18. But does that mean that I only want to wear black, navy or dark brown for a swimsuit? You look over to the "normal" size swimsuits: turquoise, yellow, red, pink, purple, green, whatever hue fo the rainbow you're looking for, you'll find it. On 15 racks. And then, there is the "Plus Size" section - one rack with the black, navy and brown ones. Yeeey. That makes you feel just peachy right off the bat! I picked up a couple of them and headed towards the change room. Fluorescent lighting, wonderful! Brings out all the puckers and rolls on your pale flesh. I made sure I wore heels to "elongate the body" and make the calves look sexier, if nothing else. First one, a navy number. Looks like a knock-off from old days past, when they had these "bath houses" and the instructions for a swimsuit started with: take 6 yards of navy blue gabardine. Yeah, covers everything allright. To the point of covering EVERYTHING. I'm not usually a vain person, but I know I have my good features, so I'd like to show more of what I like and less of... the belly. In this one, I just looked like a big navy blue brick. That's a definite NO. The other one, a black one with a black-and-white pattern crossover fabric on the front, and a supposedly "cute" fake tie on the sides, like it's a wraparound. The bottom fit nicely, tummy tucked in, but the cups... well, they just kinda flattened my boobs, squished them down and made them look like I was about fifty. NO. Clothes back on, next store. So it went for the couple of hours that I had, I even went to one of these fancy swimsuit stores that claim they had a suit for EVERY body. Apparently, not mine though. Again, shelves and racks full of normal size suits, and in the back, the "fat suits". On one rack. At least, there was some colour here, but what they made up in fashion, totally lacked in support in all the wrong places. I could already picture the boobies floating out of their confinement to freely swim in the lake, baring all. (actually, a nude beach sounds pretty good right about now). Plus, the suits started at $90 and went up from there, which was waaaaay over my budget. Still, if one of them was "the dream suit", one that fit well and looked acceptable, I even would have sacrificed that much for it.
On to Addition-Elle. Their "young" MXM line can be pretty cool, but sometimes, it's a bit over the top... so it was with the bathing suits: halter top, for heavens sake! What boobs will it hold up???? Maybe a 12-year-olds???? They were sliding UNDER the seam, making it look like I had four boobs instead of just two... And their conservative line was along the same lines as Sears - black, navy, brown. OK, admittedly, there WAS some beading on the brown one.
Tomorrow, I'm going to Penningtons on my lunch hour... I'll skip lunch, maybe the suits will look better... or, better yet: get a plain black tank and get a nice cover-up tunic and be done with it. I'll just pretend to be strolling on the beach and only take the cover-up off at the last minute before diving into the water.
I know, I know, I sound horribly vain, obsessing about the bathing suit thing... I mean, really, once you're on the beach, it's just the water, the sand, the sun, the kids, the splashing... but still... is it a sin to want to look nice while I'm playing ball with the girls?
Actually, my favourite beach is Pinery - no matter when we go, it's never overcrowded and it's just a beautiful stretch of sandy beach... I can't wait. Black swimsuit or no. Summer, here I come!

what the heck

2006-06-19T16:12:00.000-07:00

happened to my side bar? Everything moved down to the bottom... I didn't touch the design file, I swear!!!!!! J-Girl!!!! HELP!!!!!!

I'm tired

2006-06-19T14:24:00.000-07:00

We had company on the weekend, a Hungarian couple. Hedi is my friend from waaaaay back, in high-school and I was a little bit responsible for them ending up in Canada... she came to visit one summer and loved it so much that they immigrated here after they got married. so we are very close. she knows everything about me. Her marriage is not exactly peachy, and to avoid any conversation with her husband about relationships, she chose not to tell him what I've decided and that our marriage with Andy is over. Thus, Rudy knew nothing coming here. And Andy said NOTHING to him either. They arrived, we sat down to eat, we talked about work and stuff, and nobody mentioned anything about anything important. Later, the guys started playing xbox and Hedi and I retreated to the computer room, where we updated each other on the latest things. I was surprised by what she said to me: She said I'd be crazy not to take advantage of the offer he gave me, about still living under the same roof, especially if he moves down to the basement. Now, understand, Hedi is a realist, through and through. Both feet planted firmly on the ground. I do trust her judgment. She said, look, he is rarely ever home anyways, why not just see if it's gonna work...
And on Friday something else happened that totally blew me out of the water. Andy offered to buy me a car. A brand new one. And he would keep the old Toyota (which is not so old, 1999 model and nothing wrong with it, except melted crayon on the back seat). He said he will pay for the car, and I keep it, and it will be my payout for my share of the house. Plus, if I decide to move, all the furniture, appliances and stuff goes with us... While I'm still living in the house, he is paying all the expenses, but no extra child support. If I decide to move out, he will pay child support.
I agreed to the car. Even though I'm still hesitant. On the one side, there are the issues that separated us in the first place. On the other side, financial security, a new car, not moving my child out of the house she's always lived in, and all I have to do for it is tolerate him one day a week.
Fuck... everybody has a price, and I guess mine is a new car... I'm really disgusted with myself.

I promise

2006-06-18T07:16:00.000-07:00

this is the last post I will do about the hamster for a while, but I took pictures of her yesterday, so I wanted to post one so everyone gets to see the now famous captured escapee:
Peanut (new name given by Lydia and Grace, G.'s daughter. Grace announced it with a drumroll and said Lydia is not allowed to change the name any more, so Peanut can learn to listen to her name). My friend Hedy did a quick check and confirmed that yes, Peanut is a girl.

Curiosity Caught the Hamster

2006-06-16T06:08:00.000-07:00

This hamster is famous now... In the office, people were asking daily about the progress of catching it, whether the cats found it, if it's still eating the food nightly, etc. Even my boss, Mike, helped by finding a large cardboard box with flaps, because it was suggested that I set up a trap by putting the treat at the edge of the unsupported flaps, thus capturing Oreo. So, last night around 9:30 I trodded downstairs (I didn't put food out the night before to make sure Tinkerbell was good and hungry) to set it up with stairs leading up to the top of the box, lined with treats. As I was working on this, I heard a scratching noise. Not in the workshop - in the laundry room, which is NOT a cat-free zone. I looked out to the laundry room, both cats were actually sitting in there, looking nowhere in particular, though their ears were tilted in all kinds of directions; they were trying to figure out where the noise was coming from, too. (Obviously, they are useless as pest control officers of our house, because they couldn't figure it out.) It was definitely rodent noise, tiny, quick little scratches. I went to the small garbage can under the sink, it was slightly tilted and resting on a bag. I looked inside, and.... there she is, Princess Hammie, trying desperately to climb up the slippery side of the plastic garbage can. She looked up briefly when she saw me looking and continued scratching. I grabbed the can and went upstairs. Lydia was in bed, but not sleeping yet. I said: Look who I found! Her eyes grew round and large and she screamed: Hammie Pie! She immediately got up and brough peanuts for Houdinina and we watched as she cracked the shell and stuffed a peanut in each cheek. I left her under the watchful eye of my daughter and went downstairs to get the cage (which I'm thinking we should WELD shut now, because she'll still be able to get out, the little shit). So last night, I lay in my bed and listened to the soft rustling noises as Tinkerbell was settling in once again in her cage. We have a pet hamster we can actually see now!

My inner European?

2006-06-14T14:11:00.000-07:00

LOL, this is funny... turns out I'm not Russian/Hungarian after all - I'm French!!!!

Your Inner European is French!

Smart and sophisticated.You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.

Who's" Your Inner European?

hmmm

2006-06-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

Andy (my husband) called me today at work. He said he thought about "stuff". I thought Uh OH... But he was actually quite nice... he had a proposition for me. He said, if I stay in the house with Lydia, he'll continue paying the expenses (mortgage, hydro, heat, etc) in place of child support. I would not owe him anything, he would not owe me anything, it would help him keep the house (it would be hard for him to keep the house bills up on his own AND pay me child support), and it would definitely help me financially, since I wouldn't have to pay rent. He said he will convert the house back into a duplex (it was before the previous owners), clean up the basement and renovate the downstairs bathroom. There is a kitchen there already.
At first, I didn't know what to think.. Then I thought, wow, it WOULD help me a LOT not having to pay rent. It would help Lydia to not take her out of the home she's lived in most of her life. As long as he keeps up the schedule he has now (he is RARELY home, he is a truck driver), it could actually work.... That's the positive... THEN I thought... YIKES. If I start dating openly, it could get uncomfortable. Even if we do have separate living spaces. Then, what if he still expects for me to have sex with him since we're still "under the same roof". Plus, his temper. He can be a nice, calm guy one second, a brooding, growling hermit the next, and an angry, raging monster a moment after that... What if in one of his rages he decides that the arrangement isn't working for him and tells us in the middle of the night to get the *&^% out?
Even though legally, he couldn't kick us out of our home, it would still be ugly. And of course, there is the main reason why I don't want to stay with him in the first place - his putdowns, his sarcastic, mean, hurtful comments he hurls at me any time out of the blue. That's the thing I wanted to get away from in the first place.... sigh... I have a lot to think about... again...

Pictures

2006-06-12T17:02:00.000-07:00

Me at 8 months old

Dad, 41
Mom, 26, when they met.

Memoirs - Russia

2006-06-12T14:13:00.000-07:00

Even though I'm probably not old enough yet to write my memoirs, I decided to do a few posts about my past and my family. The idea came from J-Girl's last post where she described her mother, and her feelings to her. I can TOTALLY relate. My mother was a knock-out in her younger years... even up until just recently. a petite, but mature and beautiful figure, impish, cute freckled face, red hair... No wonder my Dad fell in love with her at first sight. Her beauty and their passion for each other should have somehow been a blessing, but it caused a lot of emotional problems for me later on... but let's start in the beginning.
My Dad was in the Hungarian army. He was an engineer of radar technology, and he travelled a lot with his job. In 1964, he was sent to Russia (then USSR) to the Military University in the city of Vladimir, close to Moscow, to take some courses. He was living in Budapest, Hungary at the time and he was married with two teenage children. He was 41 years old, and though he was balding, he was still a very handsome and charming man. Blue eyes, black hair, amazing intellect and a sexual libido that far exceeded that of his wife's (she was raised by nuns and had strict schedules for when she had to "endure" his attentions - only one Wednesday and one Saturday a month, and if he wasn't home and missed it, there was no make-up make-out).
So when he was sent to Russia for months he thought it was the perfect opportunity for him to find a temporary girlfriend and have a little fun. There was a young waitress in the university cafeteria, her name was Zoya. She was a pretty woman, in her 30s, black hair, brown eyes, tall, statuesque body. He asked her out. When they were on their second date, Zoya said she needed to meet her little sister at the factory she was working at, so Dad went with her. He saw the small figure emerge from the factory (it was a place where they hand-painted Matryoshka dolls, you know, the ones where in a large wooden doll there is a smaller one, and a smaller one, they all open in the middle) and he later told me that he immediately felt a curiosity, or an "inkling" that he met the ONE. He looked at her face and he was disappointed - she looked very, very young, maybe 16. They went home, and she took off her coat - her firm, full breasts were well displayed in her sweater so he judged her to be around 18 at that point. He asked her age and was surprised to find out that she was 26 years old. They fell in love. Quickly, irrevocably. Zoya, seeing their attraction to one another, stepped aside graciously. She died of infection following throat surgery a few years later. That winter and spring, Vera (my Mom) and Joseph (my Dad) were in a haze of spring fever - they went boating, hiking, movies, restaurants. Their love was a passionate, white-hot wave that engulfed them both. When Joseph had to go back to Hungary after the semester was over, they both suffered greatly. They continued writing letters to each other, and my Dad took every opportunity to travel to Russia - he signed up for another year at the University. Their relationship lasted for four years when Vera told Joseph that she wants to have his child. She assured him that she wasn't going to ask for support, or help, or anything, she just loved him so much that she wanted to have a child with him. He agreed, and on a cold November night, I was conceived. Vera was very happy to be pregnant, even though her financial situation was dire, and she was ostracized at work for being an unwed mother. She gave birth to me on a hot July afternoon, after what seemed like endless hours of labour. She named me Ekaterina, after Catherine the Great. When she went home with me, there was no baby room, no plush toys, no bottles, no crib, no mobile - she was living with her sisters and they were very poor and couldn't afford anything. A neighbour gave her a crib which they set up in the corner of the living room. She had no milk due to poor nutrition, so another neighbour fed me - she had a baby boy a few months before and had more than enough milk. At the time, they lived in a small log house in the outskirts of Vladimir. The house had two rooms - a kitchen with dirt floor and a living room. The house was in poor condition - when I was just a few months old, the roof fell in (my Mom picked me up and took me to the kitchen just minutes before it caved in... Neighbours again helped fix the roof and they even built another room in the back. I can not imagine how difficult it must have been for Mom - water had to be brought in from the well at the street corner, in the winters, the chickens and rabbits lived in the kitchen, toilet was in the outhouse in the back of the yard. My Dad's picture was right above my crib from the first day on. He was very happy that I was born, in his first letter after my birth, he described how he cried when Zoya called him with the news, and how happy he was that I was a girl - he wanted a girl, because his relationship with my sister was always better than with my brother. Still, he was unable to visit at that time; he finished University and traveling between countries was restricted in those days, even within the Eastern Block. He frequently sent money and packages for us, on the picture I scanned in, I'm wearing a nightgown he sent me - it was several sizes too big, more fitting for a two-three year old. So it happened that I was two and a half before I met my father. My Mom told me when he came into the room and she asked: where is Papa? I pointed to the picture on the wall, like I was taught. I didn't know who the guy was that came in...
By then, my Dad's marriage was completely estranged. My brother got married, and my sister was 16. He tried to convince his wife to give him a divorce so he can marry my mother, but she would have none of it. It was finally my sister who advised her mom to let him go. So shortly before my third birthday, Mom and I travelled to Budapest to move there permanently. I don't remember the trip, and I only remember glimpses from that time - the first apartment building we lived in, the orange plaid blanket on my bed, colourful crayons my Dad bought me and the daycare with the toys.
With the resiliance of childhood, I got used to the new living situation quickly - it was much better to live in an apartment with hot/cold water running from the tap, a toilet, and heat in the winter. I picked up the language easily; in a matter of months, I was speaking both languages and would easily switch from Russian to Hungarian and back, depending on which parent I was speaking with.

still on the lose

2006-06-10T10:09:00.000-07:00

Tessa picked up the two cucumber pieces AROUND the trap, and the one going INTO the trap, but she wasn't stupid enough to actually go for the ones INSIDE. She did knock the box around a bit, probably looking for ways to get the cucumber without being trapped inside... OK... I'm now thinking of tripwires, huge buckets falling down and covering her if she moves the bait, or if she goes inside her cage, the door slamming shut, or something... 24 hour surveillance camera with alarmbells... hiring guards to guard the cucumber round the clock... rat poison to get this over with and just get a new hamster... LOL. Houdinina, your days are numbered!!!! Come out with your paws in the air!! STEP AWAY from the cucumber!!!! You are under arrest!

A better hamster trap?

2006-06-09T19:01:00.000-07:00

I went the "professional" route in the quest to recover the MIA Hammie. A live mouse trap, purchased at Canadian Tire, for 5.99... it's down in the basement, loaded with strategically placed cucumber pieces... I already checked once - nothing.

All the girls at my work daily ask about the hamster's progress, and today, Deb from Accounts Payable actually asked an expert: Chris from a pest removal company that we use all the time for the properties we manage. Chris has been in the critter removal business for over 10 years and he knows lots about all kinds of animals. He said, upon hearing the story of Tinkerbell, and I quote: "ah, those are crafty little buggers". LOL, I believe ya, Chris...

In other news, I was not only glowing today, but my mind kept wandering back at last night's events and I smiled and blushed and... missed a very obvious number on my Bank Reconciliation, was staring at it and couldn't see it from being there... LOL. Lost at least half an hour looking for the difference... ah, sweet love... sigh... He surprised me yesterday. I was about to say goodbye when... anyways... You know, as painful and uncertain this relationship can be for me, it's also... beautiful. I wouldn't trade this bittersweet feeling for anything, certainly not something as mundane as my peace of mind. At least not today...

The hamster

2006-06-09T05:26:00.000-07:00

once again outsmarted us... I'm beginning to have all kinds of respect for Houdinina. We set the trap now with more tempting treats - cucumber slices and sunflower seeds. And put a higher bucket in, just in case... Well, this morning I went downstairs to check on it, and.... the food leading up to the steps was gone... the food on the steps was gone... the CUCUMBER AND SUNFLOWER SEEDS were GONE!!!! OUT OF THE BUCKET!!!!! AND... NO HAMSTER in the BUCKET!!!!!! Nibbles must have happily stuffed her cheeks with all the goodies and then proceeded to climb/jump or whatever the heck she did and took them to her secure snug little hiding place... The little bitch!!!!!
I complained to G. about the hamster situation and he said he had a mousetrap somewhere (live one, not the kind that will break her little neck), but then he couldn't find it... So on my lunch hour, I'm gonna head on down to petsmart and see if I can find a PROFESSIONAL mouse trap... Obviously, if we ever find Oreo (new name given by Lydia yesterday), and intend to keep her, the trap will come in handy quite often.

In other news.... Ahhhhh. I'm glowing today.... mmmmmm. Not gonna tell ya why. LOL. Wink. sigh.

Sarah McLachlan

2006-06-07T19:40:00.000-07:00

I just LOVE all her songs... I've been listening to this one lately:

STUPID

Night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that youre no good for me
but youre the only one I see

Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
and you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places create
an oasis that dries up as soon as youre gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you

Chorus

Everything changes everything falls apart
I cant stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know

Chorus

and:
ICE CREAM

Your love
is better than ice cream.
Better than anything else that I've tried
and your love
is better than ice cream
everyone here know how to fight

and it's a long way down
it's a long way down
it's a long way
down to the place where we started from.

Your love
is better than chocolate
better than anything else that I've tried
and oh love is better than chocolate.
Everyone here knows how to cry

and it's a long way down
it's a long way down
it's a long way
down to the place where we started from.

the runaway hamster

2006-06-07T19:28:00.000-07:00

drama continues... this morning, the bucket trap was empty, and there was no sign of hamster presence, so I was a bit discouraged. I tried to keep up the smiles and the hope for Lydia's sake, but I've been imagining Tinkerbell trapped somewhere under pipes or heaven knows what else in the workshop, not being able to get out... Lydia is upset too, she brought home a picture of herself with HUGE crocodile tears running down her face - that's what she drew when the subspute (her word for substitute) teacher asked them to draw whatever they want... Then we got home and got PROOF that the Hammie Pie was still alive! The carrot had been nibbled on and there are a couple of hamster droppings beside the trap, but Houdinina decided to completely ignore the bounty at the bottom of the bucket... Stupid she is not.... We are both happy at this sign of life (the cats are happy, too, they spend most of their times by the door of the workshop, listening and sniffing, hoping that either the door magically opens or the hamster comes out... ), but Lydia still just wants Tessa safe and sound back in her cage...

A really large cucumber

2006-06-06T17:44:00.000-07:00

Don't worry Barb, this is not as naughty as the title suggest, safe to read...

My Mom and I have this thing with watermelons. We can NEVER pick the good ones. My Dad used to buy the watermelons back home at the market, and he always came home with a huge, red, juicy, sweet one for us. Whereas Mom and I... we have methods... The watermelon is a nice shiny dark green, with a yellow spot - check. The vine stump is dried up - check. Tap it and it makes a hollowish sound - check. Dad did the same thing. And then we would take it home and it would be... NOT a watermelon... more like a fat cucumber.. So it happened today. I picked one up at the store, did all the tapping, sniffing and looking, and picked one out that I thought looked good. I brought it home, and Lydia and Leila wanted some - they were thirsty after all the hamster hunting (see below). I cut it open, it smelled nice. Then it cracked open and it was... PINK. Not a nice juicy red, not even a dark pink... not even mauve... No... a light, puny, pale pink. The girls had a taste (I only cut the center out for them) and deemed it yucky. Well, if I wanted cucumber, I would have bought a cucumber and not carried a giant large round thing home!!!! This is not even good for a salad...

Hamster Trap

2006-06-06T15:54:00.000-07:00

Lydia got a hamster a couple of weeks ago. It was a guilt hamster. Andy and I were talking about splitting up (in Hungarian, so she didn't understand, but she probably knew something was going on). She chose that day to whine (once again) about a hamster. So we all went to the petstore (against my better judgment, but I didn't voice it) and got a cage and a whole bunch of tubes and funky houses (a luxury condo, really) for this hamster. Then Lydia picked this adorable little critter, grey and white, a girl. A teddy bear hamster, which just means she is fluffier then a regular one. 10 dollars for the actual animal, over a hundred (!!!!) for the STUPID cage and tubes, food and treats, but I didn't want to argue with him. We got home and the two of them had a great time putting the cage together while I babysat the hamster (which wasn't a huge chore; the thing was sleeping in the box). Then I put the pine shavings and the bedding (hamster fluff) into the cage and put her into her new home. Then Lydia spent a long time trying to find a name and after consulting the baby names webpages on the internet, we named her Tessa.
Now, I always had hamsters growing up, so I didn't mind at all that we had a new pet (in addition to the two cats and the fish, which are really just the cats' tv). It was decided that the cage will be in my room (Lydia said she won't be able to sleep with the hamster up all night, and it had to be in a lockable room so we can close the door and keep the cats out (who, btw were very, VERY interested in the new smell and all the activity). So late evenings, after Lydia went to bed, I had a fun time watching the little critter move things around, stuff her pouch with food and move it here and there. Busy little things, hamsters. She was either running in her wheel, chewing on her cage or rearranging her living quarters, making a sleeping, food storage and lavatory space for herself. Of course, additional snack food had to be in the sleeping quarters - a girl after my own heart.
Tessa went through several names (each time Lydia talked to another friend of hers, the hamster would get renamed - we had Tinkerbell, Nibbles, Hamster-Pie, Cutie, Hammie).
Well, last night Andy came home late and he was trying to fall asleep... and all he heard was the hamster chewing on her cage (even through two closed doors!!!!). I couldn't hear a thing, I had earplugs in, plus I snore loudly enough to drown out any other noise ANYWHERE. So he came into my room (I didn't even stir), took the cage out and took it down to the basement (into his workshop, which is closed to wives, kids and most importantly, cats). He took the tubes off and left them upstairs and although he used the little round plug to close the opening where the tubes attached, it must not have been tight enough... He left me a note saying the RAT is down in the basement. I found the note in the morning when I got up and went downstairs to check, and sure enough, there was the cage... but NO HAMSTER!!!!! SHIT!!!!!!
Thankfully, our mornings are a fast blur, so Lydia didn't have time to check on Hammie Pie or whatever her name is right now, and went off to school without a glitch. I called Andy later in the morning to ask him where he thinks the hamster is (if he at least knew if it actually made it down to the basement, or if it fell out somewhere on route, in which case the hamster is SOL and the cats will find him... He said he was sure it made it to the workshop.
So this evening, the awful task of telling my little girl about the runaway hamster fell to me. I assured her the hamster was OK, we are just not quite sure where she is... She took it remarkably well, she called her best friend immediately, and the two of them did a quick search down there (with my strict supervision, seeing that it's a workshop with sharp tools, etc.). No hamster.
Now my friend Tracy from work had an excellent idea: to set up a plastic bucket (high, with smooth sides, not climbable), build steps leading up to the top (made more tempting by little morsels of food), and then put a whole bunch of hamster food on the bottom. Ideally, the hamster would follow the trail of yummies up to the bucket, then drop into the bucket and be trapped!!!!!
And now... we wait... the girls keep checking on the trap, so I'm thinking the hamster won't show her furry little face until it's night time and everyone is in bed and it's all quiet. I'm just HOPING there will be a hamster in the bucket by morning! But I know what the hamster's new name will be: Houdini (or, Houdinina, for a girl).